Nothing Matters More

I love the hypocrisy of the progressive woman today. They taut liberation and freedom to be whatever we want to be, after all, we fought for those rights and privileges, but then, they crucify any of us who then choose to stay home, to be wives and mothers. Why are my choices less important or rejected as ridiculous? Why are we made to look like we are simply ignorant or uneducated, because we made a life decision, that they don’t agree with? I sometimes wonder about this.

I know a couple women, who look down on me because I decided to leave my career and the workforce, to be a stay at home wife and mother. I don’t understand why it is a problem for them, since I don’t have a problem with them having careers.

I had a great career in practice management in large hospital clinics, and I loved what I did. I worked hard for many years to acquire the knowledge and experience to do the work I did, and I was, and still am proud of it.

Working in the medical field is extremely rewarding and helping people is a noble career path. I had wanted to work in the medical field since I was a small child. It was an incredible journey and I learned more than I ever thought I would. I learned more than I’ll ever forget.

I also discovered, that working with offices of predominantly women, is was as great as one would have believed. Yes, we are empathetic and nurturing by nature, but we are also vicious and spiteful. The latter two, I attribute to our motherly instinct to protect what is ours, and it is alive and well in us, no matter what we are involved in.

Don’t get me wrong, those qualities are needed, and of great use, most of the time, but it makes a work environment precarious. We tend to become over-protective in unnecessary ways, and when we perceive we have been slighted, we want vindication. Whatever the issue, that presented itself caused that visceral reaction, we hold onto the slight unto bitterness, and we hold that grudge, carry it in our chest, until the end of time. Usually.

Now before you women go off on me, and say I am too critical of my own gender, know that I am one of you and I speak from experience. It is a criticism, yes, but men too have their hang, ups. Ours, just target each other. I don’t say any of this with bias against us or for us. I say it because it’s honest. I hide nothing and I am not ashamed of my perceptions or experiences. I worked for over twenty five years with mostly women, and not one office, practice or hospital, proved my theory wrong.

Men, too have their issues, so guys, don’t go patting yourselves on the back. You lack empathy, and most of the times compassion, and you make your decisions without consideration for anything other than performance or outcomes. While that has merit, sometimes you need an emotional component to an argument or decision. That is why a workforce with men and women together, works well. Balance.

I have said it before, everything needs balance and intrinsically gravitates to balance. Together, men and women, complete an important wholeness to life. Without one or the other, we are off kilter and dysfunctional.

That being said, I still did not appreciate the cattiness of women against each other, and the irrational behaviors when they would perceive an infraction against them, their work or skills. Women are fiercely retaliatory and the snide back biting, often was more personal than work or career related. That has its way of souring motivation.

To be honest, I would rather work with an office of all men, than one that is all women. It’s just that simple. Men don’t tend to retaliate when they think they have been wronged, and they can literally have a fist fight one hour, and then go have beers after work. They let things roll off their backs.

Men also are result driven in their decision making and leave the feelings out of the work environment. That compartmentalization is valuable in the work environment. It can get to clinical and black and white, though, so the smoothing out with the woman’s talents, again, produces balance.

Please know, these are generalizations and of course, there are exceptions to all things. Either way, we are both necessary entities in work and in life. With the understanding that life is about balance then, why do women criticize other women for wanting a domestic life versus a career?

I did not leave the career I had because I had to. I did it because I wanted to. That seems to be the issue against me with the couple women I know. They can’t understand why I would give it up, how I could give up something we have fought long and hard to achieve. Choice. That is what we fought for, the ability to choose to work if we wanted. We wanted the choice to earn a living and have careers.

There is nothing at all wrong with that. Women are great career people and are successfully doing important things in the professional world. It is needed. But here is the thing, women who choose to be moms and stay home, are just as important, maybe a little tiny bit more so. Let me make my argument.

I made the choice I made, because I wanted to be there for my child. At all times. I did not want him being raised by daycare or sitters. I didn’t want strangers to take the roll of temporary parent to our son.

There is a many reasons why that is a bad idea. Abuse, sexual or physical, inappropriate behavior not being corrected, a lack of security in parents interest in their, a disconnect with the child, and many more, were all things, I took into consideration. That was a road I didn’t want to travel or have him travel.

Our child, knew I was always available to him and for him. He could count on me no matter what, and he knew that he came first, no matter what. I didn’t have to make a choice between him needing or wanting something, or with him needing or wanting to do something, because I could always be there, as needed.

Having been abused in childhood myself, I was not willing to risk that ever, happening to our child, so I made the decision with my husband. He didn’t make it for me, or even suggest it to me. I brought it up, gave my argument, and then we discussed it. Then we mutually made the decision.

That kind of choice is not without sacrifice. Don’t think it is, just because you do not see the benefits or the reasoning behind it. We understood that it would mean one less income. We had been enjoying two, we now would have one. We knew we would not be able to spend like drunken sailors, like we were used to before our son. We might not both be able to have new cars in the driveway. We might not have everything we wanted, when we wanted, or it might take longer to get the wants in life, but the needs would always be met.

Those are important things to discuss with the decision to cut the income in half. So, no one should make it, thinking everything will remain the same. It won’t. It didn’t. But that was ok, we were and are both flexible and since we are not too materialistic, it was not a hinderance.

My husband could have easily been the one to stay home and raise the kids. I made more money than he did, but I was the one that wanted be home and make our home. Again, it’s a balance to negotiate terms in a marriage and in parenthood. We created a new balance.

It was all so worth it. I can’t even remotely explain the feeling, when you don’t miss a single thing in your child’s life. When you know their friends, their teachers, coaches, what makes your kids happy or not, you have a deeper level of understanding of who they are, how they are, and what they experience.

I was there for every practice, every swim meet, every play, every hurt, every victory. I taught him everything he would need in life and had plenty of time to do it. He learned how to cook at age four, how to swim at eight months old, how to sew both by hand and machine, how to study, do laundry, clean, and how to have compassion for others. I taught him how to be humble and caring, and to be grateful for what he had. I took him to volunteer at homeless shelters and showed him what it means to have, to give and to give back.

All of this would not have been his experience if I had placed him in daycare or with sitters. Not even family would have been able to give the level of attention and nurturing this way.

My husband taught him other valuable things as well. That cannot be discounted. First and foremost, he showed him that he valued me as his partner and wife. He modeled how to treat a wife, with respect, tenderness and respect. He modeled an exemplary work ethic. He gave him skills that he would need in life and helped him appreciate what it feels like to create, build, and accomplish something with your own hands.

We both had important things to teach to our son. We gave him emotional and physical security he needed as a human growing up into a man. The benefits and rewards from the dedication we had made, had large impacts, ones we cold have missed or not shared if we had stayed as a two parent workforce. The benefits were not just ours. They were not just our son’s. The benefits will be long-standing for humanity and everyone our child’s life touches.

We now are able to see the worthiness of what we did. Our son, at twenty years old, has a great career. He began working at 16, because he wanted to buy things for himself. We told him he didn’t have to work and that we would be happy to give him what he needed or wanted, but he wanted to do it for himself.

He took out his first car loan at 17 and paid for it himself. He kept his grades up, went away to school, graduated and was recruited right out of class.

His good decisions haven’t stopped there. He is a first responder, because he cares for people, he is generous. because he is grateful for what he has, he encourages others, because he was encouraged, he is a kind and loving person because he was raised kind and loving. An important skill, I wanted him to have was being respectful to women. He is not just respectful, he is patient, sweet and caring to women.

I can’t stop gushing about the man he has become, and I’ll make you sick if, I do, but all if it is attributed the choice I made, to live as a mom, instead of a practice manager. I am not in anyway ashamed of him or myself as a woman.

I can and could always, have returned to my career or decided to keep working. I could not ever have relived what I would have missed with my son. I’ll never have to say, “I should have spent more time with my child.”

I could have been proud of my career, how high I had climbed or would climb with my tenacity and skills, but what would that give me? A pat on the back, a plaque on the wall, a bigger paycheck each year? So what? None of that would have mattered if I had not raised a decent man, a man with integrity and honor.

We can all have the careers, the world has available, but the thing is, without us moms, you don’t get decent human beings that work in those careers. We teach them what it is to have value in themselves and be valuable to others. We teach them how to behave and treat the world. We give them the security and grounding to take chances to move and change the world.

Without us moms, who have decided and do still decide to dedicate ourselves to the noble career of mother, there would be chaos. Society would be unrecognizable.

We have a career. We make, decent, intelligent, industrious, and creative, human beings. We make the most important “product”, the kind that make and create the careers and that will make the future for others.

Nothing else matters more.

Moms! You are doing the most noble and important job there is. Own it! And don’t let anyone woman, or man for that matter, make you feel like you are beneath them.

#parenting #writing #life #stories #motherhood