Not the Type of Gratitude You Were Anticipating

Gratitude? Towards you?

I would rather spit, but we're in a drought, and we need every drop of moisture we can get.

You're not worth the effort to collect the spit.

To give you gratitude, after all your manipulations and lies?

I had to take you to court. I had to extract the money from your grasping hands, when you swore you'd pay it all back. Funny how “I need to pull five grand out of my butt to stay out of prison” became “oh now I can pay back the three grand to stay out of prison” after you cashed the check. Hmm. Why not pay back the extra two grand immediately? Oh, that's right, you just had to have that brand new electric guitar. And a keyboard. And delivery meals, for three whole years, for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. After I taught you how to cook.

But you never had enough to pay us back. Suuuuuure.

I am angry, I am frustrated, and I didn't like what you turned me into. I am disgusted by the rumors that you spread about me, so that when I warned people about you, they didn't listen. And the worst part, I hate myself for falling for your crap.

Grateful?

Not to you. But for the lessons I learned, yes. Begrudging, reluctant. But, yes, the lessons are solid.

Like how I'll treat new people coming into my life. Now that I've been this close to a malignant narcissist, and saw the patterns, and experienced all the confusion of mercurial emotions, I get it now. I see the fear that fuels the rage, and causes you to lash out at the world. But just because I now understand, it doesn't mean I have to put up with it. It truly feels like I got innoculated against that whole mess of disease, living with a cess pool of emotional germs that breed in neglect.

I know the symptoms. I can't cure the disease, so I will simply avoid the sickness.

But you cannot take away my generosity. I will find others that will be friends, not leeches. I have a wonderful circle already, but there is room for more. They got me through this mess, as I have gotten them through their crises. Is one in the hospital right now, and is their spouse shaking in fear at home? Are many terrified about what's coming in political circles? Is one hiding from her ex, who's a horrible abuser? Is one trying to prove their citizenship because wow what toxic parents? Yes, I am there for them in whatever capacity I can. To listen, to help them move, to visit in their isolation, to suggest other routes to get the information they need. In the grand scheme of things, your influence on my life will fade.

Well, except for the permanent neurological damage. But I'll compensate. I'm still alive, and that's an awesome thing to be grateful for.

And for those friends, for being the buffer zone I needed to get back on my feet. To find myself again.

And I will never give in to the bitterness of the wasted time I spent on you.

Did you know, I saved a life the other year? No, you don't, because you were no longer sucking away all of my time. And money. And emotional bandwidth. I was able to keep her sane through invasive testing and long-delayed surgery, cheering her up because it wasn't bad enough to be immediately fatal. See, I can say those things, but the doc can't. Freaked out everyone, they thought we were partners or something. Don't care, but you'd better believe I was noting who was okay with that, and who wasn't! You would have laughed at what I saw, had I texted you snippets of conversation. But you hated anyone and anything that took my attention off you. And trust me, I was watching those attendants like the fierce hawk I can be. I spent three months in her living room, making sure she was okay. And yes, we did have a scare and I had to call the ambulance, and I was terrified I'd lost her. And we found the underlying condition! Delightfully abnormal, the doc said. She's doing so much better now, healthier than she's been in decades.

No, sorry, you will never meet her. Nor will you meet any of my other friends. You would do your best to exploit them, or try to break our bonds of friendship by spreading nasty lies. Sorry, that's not the game we play, because we actually care about each other.

So why am I sending you this letter, and not to them?

Because I let them know all the time how precious they are to me. And they, in turn, tell me. We understand the reciprocity of friendship. We know things go in cycles, and you give sometimes and get some other times.

I'm no longer tied to a phone, dreading the ding of incoming texts. Or the phone ringing, knowing I'm going to lose another three or four hours' worth of time to your inane blathering. Just because you need to have your anxiety soothed. Oh, you didn't like the way the meds made you feel, so you took yourself off them illegally? Well, that thing you hated was what made you human, and now it's gone.

But my friends are still here.

I take trips with them now, and don't feel guilty that I'm enjoying myself without you.

I can stand on a beach with my bestie, breathing in the salt air. I can chat on a mountain with a friend, spending a glorious autumn day in the mountains. I can go to Ren faire with a friend, and we can shop and see some awesome shows.

Your shadow loomed large for a time, but finally ebbed with the tide.

And I'm still here.

Good riddance,

- your former victim