Never Ending Heartbreak

Caught in a foggy dirt windstorm trying not to get swept away by the chaos. Only being revealed a single way out. Not being able to move a muscle with a gut awful feeling that the only visible path just isn’t yours to venture. Yearning for everything that doesn’t make any logical sense. Having learned that love isn’t enough to uphold a strong and reliable relationship. The never-ending situation keeping you stuck in the feeling taking over to ignore the hard cold facts like love is all you need. Having learned the opposite. Only ever knowing logic to save you from the torture that was your childhood. Strictness and poise being your only 2 best friends..

Bring us back to being lost. As if you were stranded in a desert storm without food, water or shelter. The burning hot sun beats down on you. Pressuring you to make a decision, any decision. To just make a move. The storm slowly making it for you. Being hopeful for a split second to have it prayed from your hands as you take a closer look and realize that path entails a person you hold intense emotions for but knowing they don’t want you in the same way. Or in any way at all. Not being able to obtain any decision on a direction. Wanting the one path so dearly, but respecting yourself and the other person enough to not make a single step forward. Every encounter resulting in you being battered and bruised. Not because the moments were horrid and torturous, but because they were beautiful and purely blissful. Knowing that you had tired one last time, finding yourself here.

Standing there naked in the middle of the highway watching intently as a semi comes right for you, not being able to even take your eyes off the semi. Understanding moving in a different direction, ANY direction would be your only chance at survival. However, still confined in a daze the reoccurring thought process of hope and wishing things would change. To only be splattered into pieces on the highway. In so many pieces, for the first time in your life you can’t figure out what to do in anything, never mind something you’re skilled in; healing. Despite the mountains of treacherous trauma that now resides within your past. Feeling like you should know what to do by now, it’s been months. Knowing and remembering you have endured worse over and over again. Yet, stuck on the heartache having bared down with nothing in the shadows. Revelling all you could to them. Feeling the lost opportunity as thoughts pass by, like a rock stuck in your shoe that you just can’t remove. Knowing deep down despite all the logical sense that it would have brought the sun to your heart and lighting to the moon. Still, lost in your mind about what is true and what has been fantasized to unrealistic levels of events that have now been played out a million and one times in your head. Despite replaying all the past moments over again anyways. Thinking one thing then being show something different, entirely. Left to think that only the pain is the truth of the situation. Having 3 very sharp daggers struck into your precious beating organ. Feeling dripping blood leave your heart in tune with the sound of the ticking clock, slowly slowing down the replay of the beautiful synchronized memories until there’s no energy left to continue to be curious. Witnessing all the hope you once had slowly slipped through your fingers like a fist full of sand. The more and more the clock ticks away the more and more realization hits harder and harder of the cold hard reality.

Losing your fight faster than the blood dripping. Knowing this is killing you inside as you stand there still rooted where you are. Watching your once defined view on love be replaced with a more bitter less meaningful definition, not doing a single thing to change it. Leaving it to the mind to endure. An internal war is being executed on both sides of the topic. As you feel it all consume you like a title wave over an entire city. Knowing you need to move forward. Knowing you deserve everything they just weren’t presenting for you at the time. Now realizing both of your options. Still stuck on how to proceed. Wanting to move forward in a direction that’s not a dead end. Nevertheless, physically impaled. Being sucked into the never-ending overthinking that wages on in the mind. As if you were standing in quicksand and there’s no one around to help. Where does one go from here? Knowing you can’t take a step, for the conflict is exploding between the mind and the heart… Not wanting to choose either one…

By, Monique Klassen.