My soul is tired

I often feel like it's all for nothing! You decide ok I'm going to give this dating thing a try and boom you are back at square one quicker than you ever imagined. You hear how people have met online and 6 months to a year they are happy and walking down the aisle. Here you sit single and starting to feel a slight discomfort from raised eyebrows of how is it possible you are single. Well, it gets comfortable honestly. Although, you feel like you want the company of someone you get use to moving through the waves of your day unaccountable to anyone. So back to giving it a try. With the quarantine and all what better time, right? Everyone's home and what better time to spend countless hours going back and forth telling someone about yourself and having creative dates as a means to show interest. Things get very interesting when the world is closed and you are gaining the comfort of your partner through a screen. So let talk about even getting to this point....online dating. Ugh, the thought of it gives me a migraine. Over the years yes years I have dabbled on a few sites only to become annoyed with the 50 first dates aspects. You are having the same conversation repeatedly and managing the conversations becomes a daunting task. Wait was it Paul that said he enjoys basketball or was it Mike? If you manage to come across someone you like then fingers cross you get the opportunity to have a meaningful connection that will soon lead to an outing to see if the chemistry will continue. How mind boggling this can be. Ok great, you've met someone and you guys decide to link up. This seems promising and exciting but its a 50/50 chance that this can work but you remain hopeful. You don't want to feel like you've come this far just to hit the pavement again and you're back at square one. Ok the meet up seems cool but then you have to battle the I use dating apps to link up and have sex so the person I portrayed to be was only temporary. Then you have the love bomber that's so intrigued by you that we have to get off this dating app so we can get married next week. Well, then we have the Ghoster who only needs something to keep his attention temporarily until he come across the next shiny object. So, you come across an ok guy. You like him and he seems interested and things seem to be going so well. Around 2 months something always derails the plans and things shift. He's not the same guy anymore and things seem so iffy. Like how can the guy that seem so interesting now be so blah. Now you have to fight with your own sanity knowing you deserve better, knowing he can do better, knowing simply this isn't going to work out. What a hit to the gut! Now I have to unlove, unlearn, untie myself with the I thought I would be with for the long haul. We discussed marriage, children, relationship goals and everything. Another one bits the dust. All of your friends and family asking what happened and geesh again. So no different then when you started those eyebrows that attacked you 60 days prior are back to haunt you. Your family and friends remind you of how happy you looked and how hopeful they were. You look at yourself in the mirror as if you must've read the pages wrong in manual that everyone else must have that's successful in love. I must be broken. I must be affected by not having a consistent man in my home growing up. I must be the reason that I attract such inconsistency in my life. I've tried so many approaches such as being aloof, disconnected, nonchalant to clingy, very available to wifey material. My soul is tired! I've prayed, cried, sang, died, sunken, swam, drowned and have been defeated mentally emotionally and spiritually when it comes to love. I don't know which way to turn or how to even ask for help anymore. Close friends and family have even run out of words of encouragement and become exhausted for you. As if they are running the race side by side. My soul is tired. You hear be patient it will come and good things come to those who wait. I waited..I waited...I waited and waited and still ended up with a broken heart. When does it stop? When do the inner screams seize? What can I do differently?