My Little Black Notebook

Two best friends, young Iranian women walking along the ocean on the hot sands of Kish (an island in Iran) with their hijab.

Lily is an architect, a university lecturer with a free-sprit who traveled the whole world with her parents. Sara is a successful, go-getter businesswoman who creates a fortune for herself and her conservative family. Without any education and all by herself. Yet, she is taking care of her old and sick parents which she ran away from to India and then Malaysia when she was a teenager.

Lily recently won a $20,000 prize for her article about sustainability in architecture. The first thing she did was to buy tickets for herself and Sara for a vacation. Sara needed a respite from caregiving to her Alzheimer's dad and her mom who constantly complains about her joint pain.

As they were laughing and lost in conversation, Lily’s hair cover-up (scarf) fell down with a sea breeze. She feels the breeze immediately. She starts explaining that the universe is sustainable. That’s exactly how she comes up with her sustainable ideas that lead them to this amazing trip.

“A warm air over the land caused low pressure at the surface. Over the water, high surface pressure will form because of the colder air. The wind will blow from the higher pressure over the water to lower pressure over the land causing the sea breeze. And this is exactly how wind-catchers work. “

The more she is explaining about it the more excited she gets, then she says: “Look at the sun, look at the ocean, and feel the breeze. All I did is to pay attention to them, compliments them and write them down on paper and now they invite us to enjoy with them... Ha-ha. LOL”

Sara laughs at her and says: “you’re a crazy nerd like Einstein but in a sexy girl body and that’s why I love you...”

Lily added: Hem, Today is our last day in Kish, our flight back to Tehran is in 5 hours. We should capture this moment...

With a ridiculous tease, Sara Says: what’s the point? I prefer to take a photo from my coach without all this hijab around me while I’m wearing my favorite skirt to complete my long golden tan legs...

Lily said: yeah you’re right, but my scarf has been felt a while ago and nobody is here to notice, we can take out our hijab, take a photo real quick and then wear it back again.

The next moment, they find themselves have been caught by the police guard for taking their hijab off in public.

During the ride in a police van, Lily was so ashamed and responsible for her stupid decision that causes a situation like this. She tries to explain to both of the officers that it was only a mistake and how sorry she is.

The rude male officer screams at her to shut her mouth and stay silent. He calls her a manipulative whore who tries to corrupt society. The female officer continues that girls like you are the reasons that men are cheating their wives.... we will take you to the virginity test, if you passed you’re free to go, if not you will be punished for your sins.

Lily surprisingly said: but I’m 30 years old, of course, I’m not a virgin! I have needs, I enjoy sex as an adult. Sex is a necessity of human nature.

Lily couldn’t stop, she insists to explain to them: It’s a misunderstanding, we don’t mean to break any rules. It was a stupid mistake. In fact, I was number one in the whole country in the physics Olympiad at age 15. I get a golden prize at hands of this country’s leader himself. I recently won a prize for my article about sustainable architecture. Don’t call me a whore! I’m not a threat to society. I’m the one who created an impact on our society. Because of people like me, Iran ranked top in education. My parents are scientists and researchers who dedicated all their life to the progress of this society, I’m teaching in university to pay back my respect for my country and now you accuse me of corruption? “

But the female officer swooshes her and says stop bragging about who you are, I didn’t ask for your resume, You’re 30 but nobody wants to marry you because all that you just said doesn’t change the fact that you are a piece of shit who can only spread your legs for needs while you’re so arrogant and proud to accept it. Keep your words for the judge on the court day.

Lily was angry, she felt the fever on her forehead. She turned red she cried. Sara takes Lily’s hand. While she is comforting Lily, told her: “calm down my supergirl, supergirl don’t cry. Have you forgotten our favorite song? Look, you’re a woman living in Iran - an Islamic country. Don’t waste your breath. I deal with conservative and close-minded people all my life. I even ran away from my loved ones because they didn’t understand me. What do you expect? You can’t discuss morals with them. They don’t understand your point. We’re different from them and you should accept it.”

They have arrived at the police station. All their belongings had been taken. After hearing insults, they’ve been led to a dark jail room with some other girls lying around the corners.

A skinny girl approached Lily and said to her: You’re such a spoiled and fancy girl. Why so sad and serious? Here, I have one cigarette. Do you want to share it with me? Lily looked at her blacken decayed tooth caused by myth crystal destruction. And answered: I’m trying to quit smoking and I think it’s the time. How did you get the cigarette anyway? Didn’t they search for you?

The skinny girl explained that she has stolen a lighter and a pack of cigarettes from the plumber guy who came to fix the restroom’s plumbing last week. She bragged about how adroit she is that can steal with a blink of an eye. Then she pointed another girl by the corner of the walls and said if that fat ass clumsy girl could run faster, we were in Dubai right now... Running away from this fucking life. Have you ever been to Dubai? She asked Lily and Sara.

Sara said yes, it’s beautiful, it’s a luxury and glamorous city with fun clubs. Lily said “the architecture is beautiful and the best skydiving experience. I’ve been to the J. Lo concert in Dubai. The art galleries are so creative....”

The eyes of the skinny girl shine in the dark, and she laughs so hard with anger and said you guys are so lucky, you’re living a comfortable luxury life, with the freedom to do whatever you want! Do you know what I’ve been through? Then she told Lily and Sara her story.

Her name is Neda. She is 24 years old raised by a heroin addict who sold her for the drug to be rapped at age 13 and got pregnant. With a child, she married a crystal myth addict. As a result, she was stealing all her life from store to store to make ends meet for her family. Her husband overdosed on drugs and her newborn daughter was died for crying out loud because they were so high to respond to her crying, and she had no idea where her first child was. On her last robbery, they were in a jewelry store. She distracted the jewelry seller while letting him rubbing her breasts at the back of the store so her friend could fill the bag with jewelry and run away. But she felt down and make a loud sound and that’s how they ended up in the same place locked up...

Lily gives herself a hug, closed her eyes, and asked herself why I’m here in this situation with these people. We all have different paths in our life but now we’re all here in the same place at the same time with the same punishment. I always tried to be the best and do the right things and I never in my lowest moments thought that I could shame myself and my parents and ended up in jail. What did go wrong?

In the darkness of her thoughts, she finds a light. She walks towards the light and finds a little black book. She feels the black cover, picked it up, and touched the golden papers of it. It feels so real, so familiar. It was her diary’s notebook.

In her zone, she thought to herself: Oh, I always write my diaries but why I never read them. I stored 100 notebooks in my closet which is taking a lot of space. I should have recycled them to create more space for my shoes. But look at this, feel this beautiful black cover, this texture of paper, the smells of it. .... All a sudden her life flashed in pages of the papers of the notebook. She felt her touches and her feelings on the paper. Not the memories, not the words but how she felt her whole life, all the excitements, joy, love, laughter, beauties, and all her winnings...

Earlier today Sara called her Supergirl. And now she felt a superhero among the pages of a little black book. Ah. Her childhood dream. A dream that she kept as a secret inside. Like every other superhero. So undercover that she, herself even forgot about it. Now she feels it again like energy growing inside her. All her experiences now make sense. Her drive for mastering skills. Her commitment to learning. Her passion for mathematics, physics, art, music, human study, mind study, architecture all come from her dream of being supernatural.

All she always wanted was that everything she desires and wants can be possible by and from a quantum field. In her life, she got benefits when she opens her mind to the endless possibilities that await her without fear. Her mom always says: Winners aren’t afraid of losing. Winners know that losing will only motivate and inspire them to work even harder.

But what happened? Why is she in jail? Why she’s been labeled as a whore? Why a supergirl is sitting in the darkness while hugging herself? Is it the first time that she’s been labeled wrong?

This time among pages of the little black book she feels guilt, shame, failure, and fear. Growing up in a conservative society makes it hard for her to embrace her sexuality. Creates fear of being judged. Because gossip travels like wildfire, catching from person to person until everyone around her from her school, her place of work, even her family and friends was ablaze with judgment.

Eventually, she became a silent observer. Familiarizing herself with the ideas that the male-dominated society and brainwashed feminists are saying about sexual women. The more she tried to embrace her sexuality, the farther she became from a woman; she became something lesser. By expressing her sexuality in the same way her male peers did, she would no longer be a human, but instead a label. Despite all her success in work and school to which she devoted her life, her sexuality created an identity for her. As a matter of the fact, she has no choice but to accept that identity. For some people of the society, she was that innocent university teacher, a successful architect and for others, she was a whore, a slut, a cum factory.

As a result of this degradation, sex has become too “expensive” for her. She felt she has to set a price for sex which is paid by a set amount of time spent together or a number of dates. As long as women are made to feel they have lost something (a chunk of dignity for increasing their “number”) they are going to expect something in return. Society, culture, religion created fear and hate inside her. The fear and hate of being alone and not being loved. Now she understands the fever and why anger emerged instead of other feelings when the officer labeled her a whore. She accepted the labeled identity long ago.

She touches and feels the little black notebook again. Then the inner voice continues:

“Who you are is not your name, your weight, your age, or skin color. It is not your experiences or your achievements. It is not even your thoughts. The definition of thinking is using the mind to form thoughts. Who then is using the mind? That is YOU...

You are not anything that has to do with the outside world, you’re also not your emotions or your thoughts, you’re only aware of those. Who then you are? You are the consciousness that is in your body, thinking thoughts, and experiencing emotions and life.”

All Lily truly wants and desires at that exact moment is to be free. Freedom

Then, she starts to think about her prize. A prize that she received for writing about sustainability and the same prize leads her to reaches her deepest thoughts in the darkness of a jail room.

Yes, she did pay attention to nature but have she ever pay attention to her energy?

Masculine and feminine energy has nothing to do with gender and all human have both energies within them. However, because of our upbringing and culture, we were taught that we are either male or female. The masculine and the feminine energies are like the poles of a magnet. She has that anger against her feminine energy inside, but she was trying so hard to embrace it.

If she is entirely on the opposite side of the pole; meaning the masculine energy is at its highest and the feminine on the opposite side at its highest, (extreme masculine and extreme feminine) what had been a lot of chemistry, fiery passion, and sexual attraction, but not a whole lot of deep and meaningful conversation.

Now she pays attention to the characteristic of each energy.

Masculine Energy- FIRE

Masculine energy is all about taking action; loves to build; and, loves to fix things. Masculine sees a problem and immediately wants to fix it. It’s protective. Masculine energy is strong and stable; it’s self-confident. Masculine energy likes to make decisions fast. It’s decisive. Knows what it wants and goes after getting it. Masculine energy loves direction and a purpose. It’s competitive and likes to win and break through barriers. It’s logical. Masculine energy uses words more than emotions and doesn’t hold on to things…whether emotion or tangible things, it can let go very quickly. Seeks freedom- Masculine energy love to be free. It loves acknowledgment. Masculine energy craves importance; they love it when they are given a compliment. They want to be heroes. When masculine energy is appropriately used, it is creative, practical, and visionary. When masculine energy is misused, it can end in ego, anger, resentment, and have inner conflict.

Feminine Energy- WATER

Feminine energy, on the other hand, is vastly different. Different doesn’t mean good or bad; it literally means different! Feminine energy is creative and inspiring- It’s the energy that creates life. It loves beauty, and it stimulates creativity. It’s nurturing, it’s supportive, it desires to love and craves to receive love to feel fulfilled. Masculine energy loves for her feminine to be receptive of his love. The feminine energy is intuitive and emphatic. The feminine energy is fluid, stormy, emotional, passionate, and it flows from moment to moment like the waters of a river. Feminine energy craves adoration, they love to be admired and appreciated. Nothing lights up feminine energy more than to give her a compliment. Feminine energy is an intelligent and loving energy that has the quality of our compassion, emotion, empathy, and truth. When you are strong in your feminine, you have a strong connection to your body and intuition, and you can make decisions based on what you feel in your heart. Yet, if we are too much in our feminine, we can come across as weak and lose our personal power.

Masculine and Feminine energies are both equally important and necessary. To be balanced, to get things done, and sustainable of both the masculine and the feminine need to be present. We just need to realize when and how much of each energy is necessary. The key is BALANCE, a dance between the two and knowing where and when to use each.

"Lily, Lily, wake up, it’s 8 in the morning," Sara said. Then she continues: Time to take us to the court, we missed our flight, so we should find another flight, Ah- I can’t wait to go back. BTW, we also miss our hotel check out yesterday, we should pay for the extra night. What a waste of money? Are you with me? ....

Lily opens her eyes and while she’s yawning, says: “I know what I’m going to do with the rest of the grant from the competition. I want to help to create sustainable humans...

After court, they’ve been released by mandatory parole. They’ve returned back to the police station to collect their bags. She sees a pack of cigarettes while checking all her stuff in her purse.

She asks the female guard if she can say goodbye to the remaining girls in the Jail room. She asked Neda to come close and with a handshake gives all the cigarettes to her.

Neda gets so excited, kisses her hand, and says” God bless you”