My Goodbye

Dear abuser,

I feel like I think I'm ready to let you go, but before I do.

I want to tell you the truth about how I really feel about what you put me through.

Yes that was the past, but I hope you can acknowledge and accept that I am who I am because of you. This is what I want you to know, I need to write it in a letter because I know I can’t say this to you directly with out giving in again. This letter is going to be my final attempt, a chance to say good bye.

A person can only take so much before they break, and boy did you break me! But of course I still love and care about you.

They say heroin gives you a rush and an extreme high the first time you try it but, after that first initial rush, you spend the rest of your addiction chasing that high. You will never find that same high as the first time because you brain chemistry has been altered. Your brain no longer produces the chemicals needed to be happy so you need more and more of the drug to be satisfied. You are my heroin. I am completely addicted to you

and like any addiction, you have caused me to reach my rock bottom. I realized that I am no longer capable of producing "real" love, not for family, friends, new relationships, or anyone in general. When you came back into my life I got that "rush" and that love came back! The feeling I though was lost for ever, so I craved you, and your attention, that's why I didn't want to let you go, that's why I feel I couldn't tell you everything about what I was going through. I needed you in my life. I am now realizing though that it's not you that I was holding on to, it was the feeling of the high I was getting from your " love" which I see now was just a false hope I was living off of, and just like every drug I see now it was all artificial and a temporary fix to a permanent problem. You. My addiction to you has caused me to lose my soul. You shattered what was left of my heart and completely broke me. Everything I have been through has caused me to no longer have emotions and become numb. I can go though the motions yes, smile, laugh, cry, etcetera, but in reality there's nothing there, I am nothing now. I have become this cold hearted, loveless, shell of a girl who can't accept ANY complements (they make me cry), who thinks she is ugly and unworthy of anyone’s time and attention, a girl who can’t give physical affection because it was stolen from her by someone who felt they could take it because it was "owed" to them. A girl who gives respect every and any one but expects none back because she doesn't deserve it, a girl who let's herself get beaten by any tom dick and Harry because she learned how to tolerate, block, and phase out the pain, a girl who allows herself to get raped again and again by strangers and people who claim to love her because she deserves it and they are entitled to her body because it's not really hers. A mother who feels like her kids are better off with ANYONE else but her because she is a worthless suicidal mother who can’t get herself or her life together. That’s me. That’s why I don't want to be alive anymore, and what scares me the most is how easy it is for me to end my life because of who I am now. All my attempts I've made in the past I did without even batting an eye and I know I am 100 percent capable of trying again and succeeding. I am constantly in a battle between my brain and rationality. So far I'm able to talk my self into not ending my life but the thoughts are still there and I hope that part of my brain never wins. One day hopefully I can get my brain to work, but until then I'll keep working on it, infact I wrote this to you so I can get it off my chest so I know you know how I truly feel about everything, it's my version of a sense of closure and I can try to move on fully. I wish you would have cared as much as you said you did. It hurts me to realize I’ll never know why you led me on. I never lied about my feelings and about wanting to be with only you. Everything I said about how I feel about you were true, but you turned my whole world upside down with your promises and your claims to have changed, but I see now you didn't, not completely anyway, so I let my guard down and "got back together with you". I'm still in shock at the fact that i turned down a guy who had respect for me and stayed in my life as a friend to be with you, just for you to string me along all while you’re talking to another girl. Why? It hurts me to remember that that's exactly what you promised you wouldn't do. You wanted " me" and you would “never cheat” but you proved me wrong. So I’m finally ready, I’m really going to leave, to make up for all the time I didn’t.

Heres some stories of the times I stayed, yes I’ve got quite a few,

There was the time you left, I didn’t know what to do,

feeling stupid for taking you back, when I should have said goodbye to you.

Once you threw a ladder on me, my wallet got thrown on the neighbor’s roof. Yet I didn’t leave, no, I didn’t have a clue.

This should have been the time I said my good bye number two.

Drinking, led to running from the police with our newborn in the car. I guess i couldn’t see,

that should have been the time I said hello, to good bye number three.

Naturally I didn’t, and it just led to more, let me introduce you to what should have been good bye number four.

Our baby walked out to the road while you and your dad were passed out drunk, our daughter could have died.

Next time I won’t stay silent

For goodbye number five.

One day we were hiking and you pushed me down the hill, because I said my peace, and that i don’t like how I feel. Oven thought I tried my best, this good bye was just a fail.

The next good bye, I tried you rocks at my head, because you didn’t let me leave, you would rather have me dead.

This led to no more trying,

No more good bye attempts.

Even knowing all you put me through, It’s always been you, with that smile, that has that special pull.

I try to fight it but still I end up back with you.

All though it hurts, it’s very clear to see,

if we stay together, it will end in tragedy.

I need to cut you from my life, this time I choose me. I no longer want my addiction to you, I choose recovery.

This is my last good bye, to a lover and a friend. No more new beginnings, it’s time for the end. So, I’m writing you this letter, the one I’ll never send.