"My Girlfriend/Wife Gained Weight. What Do I Do?"

A woman gaining a lot of weight after getting married is an extremely common trope, and one of many men's greatest fears (if you're an exceptional man who's perfectly happy in a relationship with a heavier woman, this article isn't for you, but more power to you).

It's unrealistic to expect our partners and spouses to stay perfectly physically attractive forever. We all get old. But it's not unrealistic to put a healthy effort into being attractive to your partners or spouses in ways that actually are controllable.

Sometimes, people gain weight because of some serious psychological issues, and such cases should be addressed by a licensed professional. This article is not intended to address such cases.

I recently read an article called "I'm Not Attracted to My Overweight Wife Anymore," where Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten responds to a man who no longer feels lust for his wife after she gained weight, even though he still loves her.

In the article, Dr. Whiten's main recommendation is to "lay off the pressure and be as interested in your wife as you can for a few months even at her current weight," as it "might give her the space to work on losing weight (if she wants to)." She also recommends to "help your wife feel better and more motivated to work on herself and the marriage" by rekindling the love you feel for her.

It sounds like sensible advice. But it won't work if your relationship is already full of love (note that love and lust are not the exact same thing) and you never gave her pressure to lose weight in the first place.

I went out to seek better answers.

A Second Opinion

First, I spoke to a doctor who practices at a Korean clinic specializing in weight loss (if any country knows a thing or two about being thin, it's the one where all those skinny K-pop idols came from). She told me that the patients who come to her clinic are already self-motivated to lose weight.

She was pessimistic on the idea of influencing someone else to lose weight. She's had many parents come in asking how they could make their overweight children lose weight, but she told all of them, "If they don't have the will to lose weight themselves, they will never lose weight."

Still, I pressed. I asked her what she would do if her partner or spouse had gained too much weight, and she wished for them to get in shape again.

After taking a moment to think, she said, "I would kindly suggest that we start getting more physically fit together, like if we started an exercise-based hobby together," emphasizing the togetherness of her suggestion.

This answer seemed to be more proactive. I think it's a good option, especially because the dopamine released by exercise would help foster more attraction for both people.

She wasn't speaking from personal experience, though, so I continued my search for more potential answers.

"Case Studies"

I also spoke to a number of men who had been in this exact situation before, but had "solved the problem," for lack of better words. They were men who were in long-term relationships or marriages with women who gained weight but were able to get back in shape.

These men's experiences varied. I didn't personally like everything they suggested, but I only took answers that actually worked for them:

Too direct?

My ex-wife gained weight after we got married. I told her if I wanted a fat girl I would have gotten one to start with. End of discussion. It worked; she started going to the gym.

For most people, the above example would probably rub them the wrong way. I can imagine some couples being used to more direct communication like this, though. Note that it certainly wouldn't be healthy if things like this were said mean-spiritedly. Perhaps they're not together anymore for a good reason.

Negative reinforcement

My last girlfriend gained 10–15 pounds. I never said anything but I stopped complimenting her on her looks as much. She started eating better and exercising a little and lost it all.

This example is about not doing something rather than doing something, reminding me of Dr. Whiten's "lay off the pressure" approach due to its less proactive nature. I'm generally not a fan of trying to solve a problem by NOT doing something, but I guess the results speak for themselves. Not sure how I feel about this one.

Birds of a feather

A couple men talked about having things in common, in particular about maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Personally, I never get serious with girls who are not into lifting.

One man avoided the problem altogether by only getting involved with women who shared his weightlifting hobby. This would severely limit your dating pool, though, as most women tend to gravitate toward other forms of exercise such as yoga, pilates, dance, etc.

We were together for 16 years and I was basically her personal trainer. It was a constant chore but it worked. It's a thankless task I would not sign up for again. Since we split 6 years ago, she's gained a ton of weight and resents me for it. I only date fit women who know how to look after themselves now.

The man in the above example eventually came to the same conclusion of only dating women who already do some sort of regular physical self-care like this themselves.

Also, this should go without saying, but don't be a hypocrite. Be fit if you expect your partner to be fit.

Jealousy turning saints into the sea

A few men I spoke to talked about passively utilizing jealousy in some form or another to motivate their partners into taking better care of themselves.

My wife gained 40 pounds or so and stayed fat for some years after the baby too. I happened to be fat at this time also. When I got in shape, my wife did too. Jealousy does wonderful things. I tried getting her to lose weight for years without success, but when I started getting too much attention from other girls, she started shaping up.

Like the Korean doctor's suggestion, the above example involves both partners getting into shape, but this one's about you doing it first without even suggesting that you do it together.

My wife had three kids so it took forever for her to lose the weight. We used to go to a family gym near our house and jealousy or envy was the biggest motivator. Her seeing other ladies around the pool was enough. Now she tries to eat better and bought herself a treadmill.

The man from this example (as well as some others) talked about bringing your partner to the pool or the beach and letting her see the attention you get from other women (who also happen to be physically attractive).

I fully endorse a lifelong commitment to self-improvement. Every person needs to exercise in some form or another. Doing it to make your body sexier and more attractive is great! However, doing it to intentionally make your partner jealous sounds immature as hell if you ask me.

If you're in a more mature relationship where you regularly discuss feelings such as jealousy with each other like sensible adults who don't play games, this strategy is less likely to work. And you should absolutely be aiming to have such habits of secure attachment in your long term relationships and marriages.

Having a conversation like adults

I tried all that other stuff like getting more obsessed with the gym, getting more attention from other women, but none of it seemed to motivate her enough to make any lasting changes. Eventually I just had the tough conversation with her. I started by asking her if she would be comfortable if I talked with her about her fitness and health. She wasn't comfortable with everything since it made her doubt if I still thought of her as attractive, but I reassured her of my feelings for her and we talked about whatever she felt she could handle. Now she's more enthusiastic about her diet plan and we happily talk about it every now and then.

This one is my favorite by far, and the one I most highly recommend. However, the man in the above example was able to honestly reassure his partner of his feelings because he was still physically attracted to her, even though it wasn't as much as when she was thinner. Sounds like it would be too late for the man in Dr. Whiten's article. As Benjamin Franklin said, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Have that discussion before your sexual attraction for your partner totally disappears.

My girlfriend put on some weight after she quit smoking. Without telling her to lose weight, I informed her that she will gain a lot more weight if she doesn't keep track of her food. In the end she started to track her calories on an app and actually lost some weight by herself. She just asked me about calories, how these things work, how many calories something might have and so on.

This example is similar. The main difference is that he didn't sit down to have an empathetic discussion with his partner about it; he just made factual remarks in a matter-of-fact way. He didn't make it a big deal like the guy who had the "tough conversation." Depending on the circumstances, though, one way might be more appropriate than the other.

Of course, there is always the option to end a relationship or to divorce someone if something isn't working out. However, if you're actually in love and unwilling to leave someone over the sexual dissatisfaction of a partner being overweight, but still wish to be sexually attracted to said partner, these other options may be worth exploring.

This article was originally published on Medium.