My Chaotic Calm

There has never been any less interest in romantic love than there was in me back in 2017. You would not have found anyone more cynical and sarcastic than I was about literally everything around me. I created, for myself and others, the illusion that I was scoffing at the world for not being good enough for me while deep down, I hated every last waking moment of loneliness. I had a reputation to uphold, though, and I held strong to my disassociation. Everyone loved me for not caring, and I loved them eating up my harsh words and bad attitude. Their admiration was feeding me like a hungry animal in a zoo cage, desperate for the customers to toss a few pieces of bread.

If anyone enjoys rebellion, it's me, and it was massively rebellious to reject the idea of relationships while everyone around me was happily married or partnered in some fashion. Societal norms dictate that a relationship is what you need to find to be happy and successful, and telling society "no" with a giant middle finger in the air felt fantastic.

My persona held strong after experiencing some personal loss and traumatic events, and I utilized my pain as fuel to the fires of despising humanity and anything that appeared to be good about it. It kept me going, but it didn't allow me to truly live.

Obviously, this is not who I am anymore, but I enjoy reflecting on the drastic changes I had no idea I was about to go through.

In 2017, at the lowest point of my single life, I sought friendships more than anything else; more specifically, I sought friendships online, because they were so much simpler to me. There are fewer expectations with all of the pleasant benefits of a bond, and that suited me very well. Eventually, I befriended a man on social media who added me because we had a mutual friend, but I never extended my friendly interactions past basic post "likes" and occasional comments. Getting too close wasn't ideal, because I still believed that anything "good" was actually just pain disguised as the most desirable things you can imagine, but I couldn't help noticing this particular man a little more every day I spent scrolling my timeline.

Eventually, things progressed to private messaging, which escalated to a phone call. The phone call turned into a nightly event a few times a week, where it eventually became a ritual every night. The 5:00 a.m. bedtimes became midnight, because he didn't want me to lose too much sleep anymore. The memes, screen shots, and photos we shared became more meaningful. The songs we suggested the other listen to had more "love" themes.

Things were getting scary at this point. It took a while to realize it, but I slowly began understanding that this process seemed to be creating feelings, and I had no idea what he felt or thought of me beyond the internet friendship we had created together.

On September 12th, 2017, he told me, "I've fallen for you."

I'll never forget how the breath escaped my lungs in such a drastic "whoosh" that I felt like I might fall out of my chair. I re-read the sentence over and over in our texts, feeling like I was living in an actual dream. He said it, and I said it back: "I've fallen for you, too."

Four days later, we were officially a long distance couple. For both of us, it was something we truly had no idea what to do with, but we decided to see what we could make happen between us.

We were realistic, because neither of us liked existing on pure fantasy. We didn't assume we would click perfectly in person, and we didn't want to pretend that everything would fall into place like it should as soon as we laid eyes on each other. We talked about every aspect of our day-to-day selves that the other couldn't see when we weren't on a video chat or messaging one another, hoping to give perspectives of our true selves before we dove into meeting. Eventually, the opportunity arose, and I was able to fly from my home in Indiana to the state of Colorado.

Everything was more beautiful than I imagined it would be, and that's not to mention the mountain scenery and how the snow looks when the sun strikes it just right as it rises and shines to create the most beautiful shadows. His presence, his touch, and to my complete delight, he was the best kisser I had ever met.

I hopped off my shuttle at the airport in the cold wind and heavy snow, my hair whipping violently as I peered around at the headlights, trying to see through the glaring lights for a shape that might look like my mysterious partner or his vehicle. He called to inform me of his location and once I retrieved my carry-on from the shuttle driver, I headed for him immediately.

When I caught sight of him, the same "whoosh" of breath loss I experienced when he shared that he had fallen in love with me happened, and my walk sped up with as much caution as I could manage over snow and ice. I trotted up to him leaning against his car, let go of my luggage which fell into a pile of snow, threw my hands on his face, and planted my lips with a fierce hunger. The kiss that truly sealed the deal on our fated love, though at the time, I only saw it as a first "hello."

Due to the fact that he is incapable of containing any sarcastic reaction available for all situations, his next move was to shake my hand and introduce himself with a huge smile: "Hi, I'm Todd."

We went on a "fancy" date to the nicest restaurant he could find, where he presented me with a promise ring after an entire meal of us making fun of every single nearby table of guests. Again with the "whoosh" of breath, as this had never happened to me before, and I was still so new to accepting real love and real happiness. Everything about it felt right, as does the promise ring that continues to sit on my left hand as I write this.

From that point forward, we both seemed to realize that we were ready to be together in "real life." However, we wanted to remain cautious in our approach. I flew back again in April of 2018 to spend time with his kids, see what our dynamic would be like, and we ended my second visit with the decision that everything felt right. We decided to proceed with living together and exploring more possibilities for our relationship.

I moved to Colorado in August of 2018.

It has been beautiful, tragic, incredible, devastating, and the most wonderful learning experience I've ever had. Myself and my two children had to learn to leave behind everything we knew and loved, and they were heavily involved in the decision making process of moving to make it easier, but we didn't know how difficult the transition would become. There were changes to be had on Todd's side as well, because his kids had to learn to share more and accept what was essentially three strangers into their home with their father. Routines were turned upside down, and new rules were being learned and created regularly to cover situations we didn't expect. There were a lot of hiccups and tears and fights, but it's been over two years since the transition began, and I'm sitting here with the most chaotically calm feeling I've ever had.

We said to one another, for the duration of our long distance portion of the relationship, that loving each other was the most chaotic and calm feeling we ever knew; that rings true to this very day. While caring about him and his children has been a sensationally relaxing love to experience, there is always a madness involved on some level, be it the noise and laughter and insanity of four kids coming together as one unit or the way my heart loses its ability to beat rhythmically when he kisses me.

It's insane, and it's overwhelming, and it's everything I never knew I wanted.