My April Playlist

I am always in search of new music. I enjoy a wide range of music genres and am always in the mood to move or be moved. Music accompanies me every moment possible: while I walk, shop, exercise, work, cook, drive, sleep, meditate, and while creating art. It helps me to focus, to elevate and shape my mood, to relax, and to recall defining moments of my life.

Growing up in a small suburb in Virginia, music was my best friend. Music was always playing in our house. As a quiet introvert in high school in the 80’s from a very different culture and upbringing, I made mixed tapes for myself by recording songs from the radio on my boombox so I could listen to them in the car. The artists understood me and knew what I was feeling, unlike my family or classmates. Having attended a different school every year throughout elementary (primary) school, I wasn’t allowed time to make friends. By high school, everyone had lifelong relationships with their fellow classmates. Because my brother and I were transitioning back to public school from a Catholic middle school in a different part of town, I knew no one. During high school, a small yet important revelation came to me that has aided me throughout my life: I can’t focus in silence. While reading, I noticed that paragraphs and pages would be completed, yet I had not absorbed any of it. My mind wandered. Once, I had the radio playing while I was reading and became aware that I was engaged with the words and their meanings. I noticed that when outside thoughts entered in my head, the music acted as guard rails keeping me on the current task. It was the most helpful discovery I made about how I worked.

A little over a decade ago, my then-boyfriend created me a mixed CD when we first dated. I had just left a disintegrated seven-year marriage (20-year relationship in total) and was a single parent of a three-year-old. At first, I was unsure as to how I should receive the gift. I had become a cynic; the main relationship in my life had left me an empty and despondent human with complicated and burdensome adult responsibilities and emotions. As I slipped the CD into my car player, it slowly melted the iceberg that had encased my jaded heart. The songs expressed his feelings for me, a modern-day love letter. It was an unexpectedly romantic gift or gesture; it brought me back to more innocent days and shared with me a window into his heart. Sweet and pure. For him to openly share his feelings with me so early in our relationship was quite a surprise to me. With my marriage, no deep vulnerable feelings about me were ever expressed; my ex-husband was a quiet man who kept his feelings to himself. And since the previous long-term relationship, I was involved in a short, yet intense relationship. It was only natural for me to share my musical tastes with him and even openly say “I love you.” Although, we had only dated for six months, I felt it. And, thus, shared it with him. I am now fearless when it comes to sharing my heart. I don’t remember what it’s like to guard my heart or fear that my feelings won’t be reciprocated. It took me all these years and life experiences to realize that love is a gift that we share with the people we hold dear and close to us. The sentiment and motivation behind giving a gift, for me, is to express the special bond that we share, not to be validated in the expectation of receiving in return.

Looking back, I am able to attach particular songs or albums to each of my romantic relationships. Sometimes songs overlap between relationships, so they bring multiple memories and emotions. Even as time passes, those songs still bring back fond memories and the valuable experiences I have gained despite those relationships having since changed, grown or disappeared.

Needless to say, I’m still creating playlists for myself. Playlists are very personal—it reflects your taste, your style, while expressing your feelings and thoughts. I still get excited when I discover a new track! These are the most current songs I’m listening to at the moment. Quarantine or not, I depend on music to help raise my spirits or take me away to a cave for a moment of focus or to an island where I can create my own world.