Moving back to my home country after 16 years as a first-generation immigrant.

Hi, my name is Martyna, I’m 18, and I have lived in Northern Ireland for the past 16 years of my life. At the end of this month, that is June 2021, I am moving back to Poland, my home country.

I am moving because my parents are. Now that I have finished school, I am not holding them back from leaving like I have been for the past 7 years. Yes, I feel guilty about that.

Let’s start from the beginning. I came here with my Parents in 2005 because they needed to save money and build a house in Poland, so they could return to their life there. Poland is a poor country. Compared to Northern Ireland, you get paid less and everything is more expense. However, due to the currency exchange rate, coming here and earning money to then send to Poland is very profitable. So that was the plan; stay here, build the house, and move back. But that is not how things turned out.

I started school, and then in 2014, it was decided that I would go to school in the UK up until I finished my GCSEs. Then, we would return to Poland where I would do my Matura (the Polish equivalent of A Levels). This was all fine and well, as my parents simply decided it would be good to save up money for a few years, so that they would be able to buy a nice car in Poland, and other necessities. However, then it came to A Levels, and it was decided I would complete them.

“It will be easier here,” I said, and they agreed.

So, that was that. Until university. I applied to five universities and deferred a year, and received conditional offers back from all of them. I wrote an impeccable personal statement, and I got in. However, then I started looking at student finance, and, as it turns out you are only able to pay home fees if you have lived in the UK for 3 years prior to starting your course, and are a permanent resident there – meaning that you have an address there, that is not the address of your accommodation.

This was a problem.

Why had I not looked at the finance stuff before? Seriously. So, I had to decline all of my offers, ruining my chances of studying English Literature and Creative Writing. I wanted to study those subjects so bad. I cried for days after that realisation that I couldn’t attend my top choice, Cardiff University, where the course was just perfect for me.

My parents said, “we can stay for another 3 years for you. What’s 3 more years when we have been here for 16?” But my guilt over the fact that I was the reason for them being here, and hating it (sorry, Northern Irish people), wouldn’t let me accept that. I suppose I decided it was my turn to suffer.

So, now I am applying to study English Philology with specialisation in English Literature and Editing. I am in higher spirits, however I am terrified. Aside from visiting Poland for a few weeks in the summer, I have never lived there properly. No, living there from ages 0-2 does not count. In fact, Poland terrifies me so much, last year it took me a month to buy something in a shop and not have someone else do it for me. I am 18 years old. I know, you’re probably thinking, ‘what the hell?’

I am terrified of speaking to people I don’t know in Polish. Absolutely terrified. It makes me panic like nothing else. My Polish is not as good as my English. By no means am I horrible at it, I am fluent after all. It is just that my vocabulary is limited in comparison to English, and I don’t know how to speak formally to people. Also, while talking to my family in Polish, I often intersperse English in conversations where I don’t remember certain words, or I can simply articulate myself better using English. I mean, it’s not like I can pull up google translate in a shop to be able to communicate better with the staff. I wish I could have a sign on my forehead that says, “I am not from here. Please, don’t judge my Polish. PS. I am not stupid, I’m just better at English.”

Aside from that, I am utterly incapable of making conversation with people except from my cousins. I just have nothing in common with them and have nothing to talk to them about. Of course, these are not long-lasting or close friendships I’m making – after all, I only see these people in the summer and we don’t text or anything. But it makes it really hard for me. I feel like an outsider, like, ‘what am I even doing with these people?’ I want to have deeper friendships with them; I want to get to know them properly and I want them to know me. I just don’t know how to speak to them.

All of this factors into the fact that I just don’t know how to live ‘real life’ in Poland. Meaning, school, work etc., because spending summer there is not ‘real life.’ I love being in Poland. It’s my favourite place, and I am so beyond excited to go in 3 weeks, but I am really, really scared.

I’m also sad about never seeing people from school again. I only have two best friends here. One of them, I can barely even call my best friend anymore. We have grown apart over the last year, but we occasionally see each other. And the other person, I am very close with and we have a good relationship – we both like to be left alone, but then when we talk or see each other we have so much fun. Essentially, we just like living independent lives form each other, and we respect each other’s space.

Furthermore, I’m not particularly close with anyone at school, but I share superficial friendships and memories with so many of them. I have leavers’ day soon, which is the last time I will ever see all of them. I’m pretty sad about it, and I’ll probably cry.

But, one chapter ends, and another begins, right?