Missing Chances

S: There is shame in fucking on the first date.

E: Says who?

S: Maybe we don’t say it anymore, but we still think it.

E: Who is ‘we’? Is it you?

S: Most definitely not. I say fuck as soon as you meet.

E: With anyone?

S: With anyone.

E: With men?

S: What makes you think I’m not interested in men too?

E: Point.

S: So?

E: So?

S: So where are we? What are we doing?

E: We are at a fancy restaurant, finishing a second bottle of Merlot.

S: Don’t shrug at me, you look like a character in a pretentious book. You know what I mean.

E: You are too ashamed to even frame the question correctly.

S: Okay okay. Are we going back to your place?

E: To read books and listen to music?

S: That, and to fuck.

E smiled, taking a sip of the wine. Her eyes reflected fairy lights in the corner they were seated in. She looked slightly intoxicated and slightly vulnerable, but mostly, she looked like she was enjoying the company.

E: Do you have a wife or a girlfriend?

S: Why would I be here if I did?

E: I don’t know. It seems like a pandemic. Cheating. And it is getting more prevalent these days. You’d think with all the social media and fancy ways to track your partner, cheating would be a thing of the past, but it’s the opposite. It seems to have become a challenge now, bypassing the location signatures. So better ask before we decide to fuck. I don’t want to be accused of being an enabler.

S: Well, I am single. But how would you know if I telling was the truth? I might have a wife and kids and lie to you to get laid and then never see you again. You know, block you everywhere and just take off. I might not even be living in the city. I might have lied about that too, if I’m lying about being single. I might be on the lookout for single girls in the city to fuck and ghost afterwards. A lot of tinder profiles are fake, you know.

E: Hmm that is a definite possibility. And there is no way for me to find out. And I could spend days and nights waiting for you. One call, one text. I’ve done it before, so it’s not hard to imagine. And you could hurt me. Silences can be cruel and I get attached to pain easily, just as I get attached to people I feel attracted to. It’s not a great thing, but it is a thing I can’t get rid of.

S: Are you saying you are getting attached?

E: Not just now. Ask me at the end of the date.

S smiled. He had spent the entire evening looking at E getting more and more talkative. She had been quiet in the beginning and S was worried he would have to spend another date getting bored to death.

S: Would you track your partner if you thought he was cheating?

E: I don’t see a point to it. It is love, not a job. If I did not trust him, why would I want to be with him and if the only way to prevent him from cheating on me was to keep track of him, what would that say about him. And if I still wanted to be with him, what would that say about me?

S: That’s a relief. It won’t be difficult cheating on you.

E kicked him under the table. S let out a mock exclamation of pain and they both started laughing.

E: I’ve always had this fear, you know - of being so in love, I did not know I was being used. But then again, if you are in love, there is no way around it. You use and are used, at least until the emotions wear out. And sometimes afterwards, in the afterglow of emotions that are no longer real, but an illusion of the real thing that once existed, or something worse – co-dependency.

S: Co-dependency – I never thought of love in that way.

E: Really? But then I suppose, we never call it co-dependency when we are in love. It is always love – fairies and butterflies and cream cheese and chocolates. Co-dependency sounds like a dirty word. And then, once it’s over…

S: Is it ever over, do you think? No matter how bad the breakups are, I still feel we keep a bit of affection for those we love, or once loved.

E took a long time to respond, here eyes unfocused. S waved his hand in front of her face, trying to bring her back to the conversation.

E: Oh, sorry, I was just thinking…

S: About a past love?

E: Always.

E smiled and S smiled with her.

S: Who is this ‘past love’ more important than our conversation?

E: Oh just someone I knew once. He was kind. No, not kind. I thought he was kind for the longest time. It was what I thought attracted me to him. He was not kind, he was inclusive. But I got to know that later, after I fell in love and by then it was too late. Imagine falling in love, just because someone includes you one time, one day. How desperate can you be? But that was me then, and I think there’s still a part of me desperate to be included, no matter the way or situation, but I hope I have become more discerning now.

S: Some friends and I are going hiking next week. Want to come along?

They laughed while the waiter came along to pour them the last of the Merlot. Could he get them anything else, he asked. S looked at E, silently asking if she wanted something. E shook her head slightly.

S: Just the cheque please.

The waiter nodded and went away.

E: We are splitting the bill.

S: By all means. You can pay the whole thing if you want. I am a feminist.

E: Hahaha I am not that big a feminist, but I will pay for my half.

The waiter brought the bill and they paid.

Outside, the street was quiet, with only a few people, sitting on lonely benches or walking hand in hand. S took E’s hand and they walked quietly for a while. S was not familiar with that part of the town, so it was E guiding him along, pointing at bookstores, flower shops, vintage stores she sometimes shopped at, cafes with great croissants - all closed so late at night. There was a park close by. E led S towards it.

E: There are a lot of little trails around here. I would never walk home alone through it at night but since you are here, might as well make the most of it.

S: So we both get killed instead of just you?

E laughed.

E: Don’t worry it’s perfectly safe. I am just always paranoid at night. Something that comes naturally to you as a woman.

The trail took them deeper inside the park. The trees formed a canopy, only allowing faint light from the lamps along the path. There were benches set up at intervals and they noticed a few were occupied, though there still weren’t a lot of people in the park.

S: I envy your neighbourhood. If I could afford it, I would love to live here.

E: Yes, I love living here. I got lucky actually. The building I live in –

S: That I’ll get to see in a minute?

E: Maybe.

She smiled at him and continued.

E: So yeah, the building I live in now, a friend used to live in and when he moved, he recommended me to the landlord. And of course, it was still very expensive for me but the landlord made an exception because of my friend. He said they needed someone they could trust and were okay with lower rent.

S: And you are trustworthy?

E: Very. Are you?

S: I really don’t want to say.

E: Why is that?

S: I am beginning to really like you.

E: So you can’t tell me if you are trustworthy because you are beginning to like me?

S: What about you? How do you feel about me?

E: Pushy, aren’t you?

S stopped and pulled her closer.

S: Well?

E: Of course I do. I thought you could tell.

They stood looking at each other, without talking, without moving. After what seemed like a long time, S spoke.

S: Come, let’s sit.

He led her to a bench close by and they sat down.

S: I am not from here. I am from Ottawa.

E: Why would you say you were from here then?

S: Because…well, I mean…I have a family. I have a wife and I have two children – a boy and a girl - and I live in a house in Ottawa that we are paying mortgage on and that we will continue doing for the next many years. And I am happy and I love my wife and I love the kids.

E was quiet for a very long time. A faint breeze was rustling the trees in front of them. For a moment she had the strangest feeling – like she had seen the same trees rustling in the same breeze from the same bench before.

E: Why?

She asked, turning to him. S shrugged.

S: I guess, just lately, I’ve been feeling…it’s hard to describe. Maybe I am just a bad person. I’ve done this so many times before, with so many different women, I feel comfortable doing it now and it is so easy to get away. Too easy. So, I keep doing it, a few times each month. But then I met you today and I really liked you and I just couldn’t.

E: You could be telling this to the other women too.

S: I could and you don’t have to believe me.

E: Do you sleep with them? The other women?

S: Sometimes. Sometimes, we just have a drink and talk, but I never tell them I’m married. You are the first, but of course you don’t have to believe me.

E sighed, her hands between her thighs for warmth.

E: Well, we can’t fuck now.

S: Because you don’t want to be an enabler?

She let out an amused laugh.

E: I almost wish you hadn’t told me. But since you have, I assume you did not want to fuck me.

S: I did, a lot, but then…

He shrugged.

E: Yeah, well it is what it is, I suppose.

S: I think it might be leaving soon, but I have to ask, just once – do you think you might want to see me again?

E started laughing.

E: I am not going to. It is not worth it. Believe me I know. Only great sex can make it worth it, but I’d rather not try. Great sex can sometimes lead to love and I don’t want to take that chance.

S nodded and they smiled at each other.

S: I am sorry.

E shook her head slightly.

E: It wasn’t a bad date, just a wrong one.

S: You must think I’m a terrible person.

E: I’m not that great either. You just don’t know enough about me.

*

S walked with her to the main road before leaving.

She appreciated the gesture.