Milestones

Have you ever felt like you were behind the curve when it came to the goals and accomplishments of people your age?

Well, that's me.

Over the past year, I've been putting more focus on my mental health. In doing so, I've had to accept a lot of things about where I am in life and how it doesn't mean that I'm failing if I haven't reached the goals that, for some reason, society seems to place on adults to prove that you're successful and doing well for yourself.

One of the biggest things that I've struggled with this year was finances. Ever since I moved out of my mom's house at 23, finances have been a constant source of stress. It wasn't as bad the first year, since I had a roommate, cheaper rent, and a circle of friends who always were at the house and therefore chipped in to help with groceries.

When I moved two hours away to begin my first teaching job, I had my first instance of having to depend on my parents for help. I moved in July and had the first month's rent paid easily. But even though school started in August, I wouldn't get paid until the end of the month. I ended up calling my mom to borrow August's rent money. In addition to that, I was squeezing money so hard that my parents surprised me with a visit, saw my bare cupboards and fridge, and immediately took me to get groceries. Things evened out towards the end of the year, but I'll never forget that struggle.

The next year I moved to Maryland and ended up having to borrow the first full month's rent from my dad. I also had a credit card that was quickly loaded down with moving expenses and classroom decorations and materials (no one tells you how much money you'll spend as a teacher when you first start). There was far less of a money struggle that year, and I was in that apartment for about two years - I also had a roommate for around half of the time, and it helped drastically.

Since being in this current apartment, I haven't had rent struggles at all. After moving to a higher-paying school, I was able to have some disposable income - pay someone else to do my hair, which was something I'd been wanting to do for years.

But then two things happened - I had to buy a car, and I was diagnosed with anemia. Those two things wiped out what little savings I'd managed to build up, and the required doctors' appointments and surgery ate up my leave time and subsequently lessened my check. My major bills were covered, but I was again pinching pennies for food. Between my dad and my closest friend, they make sure that I always have food and can cover all of my bills.

A lot of my stress over this past year has been from finances. I'm almost 32, I should have my career and finances settled enough that I have disposable income, right?

Of course, when I was looking at that milestone, I didn't take into account the fact that I'm a teacher, and our pay isn't exactly at the top of the charts. Or that I would have to spend the night in the ER, get a blood transfusion, and have to have surgery. In addition to all of that, I'm single, which means that all of my finances are mine and mine alone to handle.

Which ties into another milestone that I haven't hit yet.

Most (if not all) of the girls that I graduated high school with are married with several children. While I decided years ago that I didn't want children of my own, I still sometimes felt sad that I wasn't married yet. After all, I'd gone into college with the naive idea that I'd meet my prince charming, get engaged, and be married within a few years of graduating. And my husband would be wealthy and tell me that I could stay home and write. Clearly, none of that happened...

I realize now that a lot of growth has happened, personally, emotionally, and mentally, and it's a good thing that I didn't get married in my twenties. That may be a great time for others, but I don't think that it would have been for me. Now I'm happy where I am, and I'm in no rush to be married; I'd rather take my time than rush into something and realize that I'd made a mistake.

The interesting thing is that I don't remember being explicitly taught any of these milestones. It seemed to just be understood; get married young, pop out a few kids, get a steady career, and have your money all figured out before you hit 35. So when none of these things seemed to be working out for me, I found myself feeling depressed. What did I do wrong? Why weren't things getting any easier?

It's taken some time to get myself to realize that those milestones are arbitrary. They don't necessarily fit everyone, and it's harmful to try and judge yourself on those standards. A coworker told me a couple of months ago, "Don't get caught up in 'where you're supposed to be.' You are right where you need to be. It doesn't mean that things won't change, but you can't compare yourself to everyone else. Shoot, there are more people in your position than you might think!"

And just in case I needed extra convincing, my older sister just got married for the first time this past weekend. The event reminded me that, yes, I do need to just focus on my own journey and not try to compare it to where other people are in life.

I'll admit that there are still moments when I get depressed about my situation, but I have amazing people around me who remind me that the only person that I should be comparing myself to is me: my milestones are my own, and no one can set them for me.