Memory's roses

The breakup had been 35 years ago. But, after a person has truly loved, the past does not leave.

‘Hard to move on,’ she mumbled to herself.

There had been others. Two ex-husbands and many lovers. But none that had shone as strongly as that love had. No one else had made her heart fly.

‘Hard to forget,’ she rambled on, to herself, as she touched the roses along the pathway.

‘Easy to go over and over the same darn thoughts… but hard to push them away.’

The roses seemed to know what she meant - as the blossoms bent somewhat reverently, made heavy by dew.

Memory was her only company, now.

‘My sole soul company,’ she mused, as she chuckled to herself over the homophones.

Thank goodness, that solace could be found by the use of words… and thoughts… and memory. But always, a return to memory! Ugh! As much as memory soothed her, memory also vexed her, so!

She shook her head, to try to free herself from the past… but, of course, no escape was to be had.

Words could be moved around the mouth, mulled over, and then released to the world. What freedom that was! Memory could not. Memory stayed put… never to leave.

Memory never gave one rest. Memory haunted. Memory never changed. Memory scolded… and mourned.

What would have been better, would have been a death – of one of them. That would have been better, because that would have been beyond her control. And that lack of control could have made her feel a measure of comfort. That type of severance would have put an end, or an ‘end cap,’ to love, to some degree. Or, at very least, death would have pushed love’s next chapter toward another realm. And she would have known where she stood, now.

After death, one had to expect that sadness would take over, but another chance could always be around the next corner. Death meant that second chances connected to that lover were all gone - on earth, anyway - but what was not precluded was that another, new lover, could be nearby.

And another chance was what Halley needed.

But Halley was not ready for another lover. Lovers had come and gone. Former lovers had left - only to prove to Halley that the heart could go on, but that the damage to the heart would not cease, nor heal. Damage seemed to weaken the heart, and make the heart open to many problems of the aged.

She was grumpy, yes. (And older!) But there were many reasons for that, and none were unreasonable or unfounded. Only the flowers gave her joy, although they were seasonal. She needed someone or some object that could be the focus of her love – and could return that love. What a tall order! And totally senseless, far-fetched, delusory, for her, now.

‘A waste of efforts, to try… to hope,’ she thought to herself.

But to feel was to be human, and to feel was to hope – or else one’s heart would cease.

‘Maybe, a letter would work,’ she muttered and mused – but then thought about how technology ruled the day and letters were passé.

‘One can’t be seen as outdated’ she murmured to herself.

But where love was concerned, words such as ‘outdated’ should not apply, Halley thought. Love came from the heart, not the ego. And outward looks and posture should not compute to enhance love’s gaze - where true love was concerned.

True Love only warms up to another soul’s energy, and to the words another speaks and the tone of the speaker. True love warms up to content, not appearance. And that had been true of them - she and Ed - 34 years ago.

Her lover’s appearance had been pleasant – don’t get me wrong. Ed was regular and normal, but not overly handsome. Not ‘a looker,’ as people would say. (But that hadn’t bothered Halley. She was not a ‘looker,’ herself.) And there had been no ‘spark,’ when they’d met; but, as they’d grown closer and after they’d had to go back to where they’d come from, Halley and Ed had been sure that they’d both grown more bonded to each other, than they had ever been to another person before. They’d felt so content, and good! Good down to the bone, to the very heart of love; to the core. They shared each other’s concerns, hopes, and dreams. They had acted and felt, as one.

They’d made plans to be together, forever. But they’d both had to fly home, before too long. Halley’s home was halfway across the world, and Ed had had to move to another country to study. How they’d managed to meet seemed strange to both of them – but had been one of those rare occurrences that does happen now and then; and for that, they’d both been blessed.

What had started as a chance encounter had become a love that they both wanted to lock down, forever. Before too long, they became engaged.

As years passed, the letters between them went back and forth across the seas. Months, they took to reach each other, but the words… oh, the words of love, joy, and concern for each other warmed the heart. And then the letters stopped.

Halley held a petal of the rose, as the memory of her lover’s hand jumped back to her thoughts. They’d held hands up to the last moment they’d been together. The oaths they’d sworn to each other echoed across her memory, too. But they’d been broken, when he’d been forced to wed another woman.

The memory of the broken engagement made Halley’s face contort. She dropped the petals of the rose along the pathway… She remembered the tears that had streamed down her cheeks, when she’d opened Ed’s last letter to her, that had read:

“My dearest, dearest Halley.

What can be done?!? The educators at my school have told us that, for us to graduate, we must be wed! All those who don’t comply shall be forced to stop all classes, and won’t be allowed to complete the courses. How could one know that the path of a pastor would be so full of obstacles? No amount of protest from me has persuaded the teachers to change the rules they’ve set. And the worse part: we must choose our partners by next month!!!

By then, my letter should have landed on your shores and have been read by you. How my heart aches, at the thought of someone else, other than you, as my spouse! But the date fast approaches, and there are no other avenues for me. To not comply means to not secure employment. And, here, where jobs are scarce, no prospects of employment means eventual death. Death would mean no chance of us to be together, later on, my love – an unfathomable thought, to me!

We must hold out hope of a better future, someday. My love for you cannot be any stronger than today. And my love lasts eternally, for you. Please don’t ever doubt my love for you! To do so, would be, for me to suffer more than what has already been dealt me. Please know my love for you stays strong, although my lot be cast.

Unfortunately, fate begs me to let you go… for now.

Always yours, by every heart’s beat and every breath,

- Ed”

The gut-punch that she’d felt on that day that the letter had reached her, resonated even now. But she’d understood. And that had only made the whole ordeal worse. To have not understood would have freed her from remorse, and deep sorrow. Why hadn’t she flown to Ed’s country, to stay forever, way back then, before the date had been set? (Of course, they hadn’t known about those rules, then, so there had seemed less urgency.) And why had she thought that to follow the path that others her age were supposed to follow – further study – was the best way? Why had she not followed her heart and left her school and country, to be nearer to Ed?

There were no answers now. Only heartbreak…

She lumbered down the pathway. Memory showed her Ed’s face - where there were actually roseheads… Petals were soon melted by her tears.

There was no way out of the hell of Memory. To haunt was the superpower of Memory. Memory never forgot. Memory never left. Memory had already made a home, before the heart had closed all doors to everyone else.

Maybe she should make some calls. Maybe Ed was no longer wed. But maybe he was. And the thought of Ed, as wed to another all these years, made her heart cry out so loudly that she felt the whole woods, around her, must have been shaken by her heart’s output of angst.

There was no way to follow her heart. The deed was done. 34 years ago. And she was condemned to walk the pathways of her garden, full of doubts and regret, saddled by Memory, that would not let her forget. (And her Fear of what was known and as yet unknown, that would not let her move forward.)

For what was the future, but another day after the present? Full or vacant of real love… what was the hurry to know what could change? For tomorrow could be the bearer of more bad news. And to know more, could be to hurt even more than today.

Halley felt that she should never know the truth of Ed’s current love status. For, love was a part of her past now… and she no longer had any part of her heart that felt capable, to run after a chance at Love, anymore.

The truth could just crush her – more than she was already.

‘Yes, dreams and memory were a safer realm for me,’ she thought.

And, for her, there seemed to be no other path to trod. She grabbed another handful of petals off a rose stem - and a thorn snagged her palm. Blood welled up and ran down her arm.

To reach out, was to be scratched, to bleed, to be hurt, Halley thought. She was worn out, from that. She cast the petals, haphazardly around her.

As she walked on, full of agony, the rose heads around her seemed to bend lower, all the more, toward the cool, damp earth.