Memories: 1 May 2025

1 May 2025

8:14 am Alive! Exhausted from my last few days of epic creativity. But back in da room. Today I will set the stone. Then it’s done 🙂

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I just had my debrief with my psychiatrist. I told him he is one of the very very few rare and precious men in my life that actively cares about me.

I showed him my newly made pendant (4 days of driven hypomania!) which was literally inspired by the fae/angels/spirits. I told him the whole story of how I came to be gifted this. How much work I put into it only to have to grind down the heart opal at the point of completion as a piece snapped off.

He concurred it is very symbolic. The ground down whittled away heart, juxtaposed by the beak from Charlie who was a pure and deep true love such that humans rarely exemplify. A symbol of protection (from Charlie’s deep profound love) and my own overcoming the recent heartache over yet another sadistic man.

I asked my doctor why I have a life pattern of attracting narcissistic cruel sadistic men into my life. Men who actively tried to kill me or destroy me. The last two “love interests” not with hands on my throat but with sadistic public humiliation, whittling away at my heart and spirit.

I told him I guess I will find out the reason, when I finally transition, as to why the gods have long denied me a true love partnership but instead gift me with my material needs and manifestations.

I asked my doctor if he ever thought about killing me? (Wryly and with a touch of cynicism). “No Tanya, I have fought long and hard to keep you alive!” I nod quietly. “You are the only man that has not come to me with attachments, manipulations, false friendship/love…the only man that has fought long and hard for me and yes, literally kept me alive with medical treatments. A hero. A truly good kind decent man”.

I thanked him for all he has done for me over the past 14 years. I told him I got slammed with grief at Virginia Guiffre’s suicide. With a kind of rage that at 41 she couldn’t hold on any longer and I too failed at suicide at 50 and yet here I am…60 and still forging ahead with my life. Making strange spirit led pendants…holding my own on Planet Earth.

He reminded me…”it’s your Boudiccean energy that keeps you fighting for what is right. That undercurrent of rage that fuels you, even as you struggle to navigate the sadness.

“You will have love again” he tells me. “You will heal”.

I will…when I can trust in my own carapaced whittled down intrepid little heart. Blessed Be!

1 May 2024

A beautiful day. I woke up at 8 am. I have a debrief this afternoon. I feel kinda “cursed” today. Like the shoe is about to fall, as it frequently does when I begin to love someone.

I must remember my 3-strike rule. I will need to decamp from that shaky caboose and jump free before I get damaged yet again. It’s a pity. I have enjoyed the attention and affection so much. 8 months and the love lies fizzling like battery acid on the ground.

But I did well this time. I did not fall into the abyss. I knew it was an impossible dream from the beginning and I saw through the mirage.

I will continue to nurture the friendship until that too dries up like sea foam on a deserted island beach. I will move forward gingerly and cautiously, courageous as ever.

A true love will find me and/or choose me one day. It’s only a matter of Time.

Update 1 May 2025: ….and yet I held on… until he viciously humiliated me on 5 April at the Koala Tavern. Not even worth maintaining a friendship now.

I have grieved over this one…not sure why. It’s not like I didn’t already know I was being played for a fool. Still, the heart wants what it wants and there is not always a rational reason for that. I will heal, blossom into love again…some day.

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1 May 2023

https://youtu.be/KbdTY8fRRw8

Quiet day. Sunny, a strong breeze. Peaceful. I washed my hair and showered then, with much enticement, cajoling, begging, and bribing with a schmacko…gave Beauregard of the very strong will…a bath too. He didn’t mind once he was in the laundry tub.

I feel exhausted still. Awaiting my pension going in overnight so I can stretch my meagre finances another two weeks. I feel like a ribbon being trailed across the sky, chasing my dreams but only in two weekly increments. It would be nice if I actually got paid for my various talents and constant work as well.

I am still amused by the younger aboriginal man I met on Friday night who gave me $30 and said it was mere change as he earns $4k a week. Almost a tad insulting, like I am a fucking charity case. But I eventually accepted it graciously and bought myself and my friend Jo a drink.

I was seriously broke and had actually put a prayer up that I get money soon. Lmao. My angels with their quirky sense of humour and cosmic timing only just barely giving me enough to get by on and always from unusual Sources or in unexpected ways.

“Send plenty of money to me now…with harm to none and competition with/from none” I scream internally. Here was my answer.

Oh, and I am quite concerned that when I sat with the younger man who was very sweet, attentive and affectionate, as well as generous, I observed the regulars getting increasingly distressed that I had a “suitor”.

Steve even stood in front of me on the dance floor with his funny astigmatic squinty eyes, making childish impish faces at me and laughing at me. As though I am not allowed to make friends or take on potential lovers...as though I am the casino mascot and their property!

I stared him down like the worm he was behaving like. I have never even had a conversation with him or engaged with him ...ever! So how dare he try to mock and deride me when a man shows interest in me. Or perhaps he is a racist?! Whatever. He soon slithered away after I gifted him my onerous withering death stare.

But it made me ponder? Is that why things turned sour and unravelled with Dave so suddenly years ago? Did they worm-tongue him or turn him savage against me?

So they sabotage more potential male friends/lovers than even I had realised. If so it’s particularly evil and disgusting as I am more than capable of sabotaging all by my little old self. I don’t need their malevolent interventions!

In future, I will be taking particular notice of whom is actively expressing genuine sadistic enmity like Steve of the crossed eyes. FFS

1 May 2022

I had intensely beautiful dreams this morning. I was walking through a river bed with large smoothed down rocks and tinkling streams. There were pools of clear water. (Clear water is always a good omen!)

I was walking with Crystal. We clambered up higher over the rocks, enjoying the serenity and beauty and the fresh clear air and water (positive ion exchanges).

We came upon several baby snakes. I said “oh shit, their mother will be nearby”. I glanced to the right and saw the distinct markings of a large adult snake coiled under the ledge of one of the rocks. The markings were black and white and very geometric.

I don’t know what kind of snake it was but my psychedelic dreaming mind is very creative, so perhaps the markings were made up by my dying cyanotic brain (hence the dreaming of fresh air and crystal clear waters).

So we moved back downstream. We came upon a litter of kittens with their mother. Me being me, an insane cat person, wanted to rescue the kittens, but Crystal said to leave them with their mother.

We returned home to her apartment which I do not recognise (I have never been to her apartment in real life!) but this one was bigger than her current one anyway.

A dog appeared almost out of nowhere. It looked like a largish dog but had a wiry body like a Rhodesian Ridgeback. I said “Hey, you got yourself a dog?” She replied “I don’t have a dog, Mum”.

The dog smiled up at me and laid down at my feet under the table. I says “Well, who is this then?” She looked in amazement. “Where did he come from?”

There were other aspects of the dream that I can’t quite remember. But the mood was light and airy and the snakes represent sexuality so that will be burgeoning with all the baby snakes. Uncoiling my kundalini that I had to repress for the past 8ish years, you know, because of false callow men.

The dog appearing out of nowhere but in my daughter’s home represents loyalty and companionship. Sitting at my feet, will need my approval and acceptance or “grace”.

The kittens again, awakening spirituality and powerful little spirits coming into their fullness of growth.

I do love cats but I won’t be bringing any new ones into my life unless a stray adopts me as I am not over the immense grief of losing my last three much-beloved cats in the past few years.

Also I fear them getting sick as vets are mostly psychopathic death cult zombies these days so I was relieved to meet the last one who was French and very kind when Beauregard the dear, had his little unpleasant and painful anal gland issue!

Gods forbid, we have any more sickness as I shall return to that vet as good vets who are actually human are rare these days (see also doctors!)

1 May 2021

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The next gathering of we extraordinary ones will be at Point Halloran beach (Victoria Point) on 8 May 2021 from 3-5 pm.

Topic will be: Ghosts.

Be there or be Square! (Note: there is nothing wrong with being Square or a square peg in The wrong hole! Not fitting in can sometimes be our greatest triumph. Once we learn to manage Adversity/ and the perverse ideologies of our modern epoch.

Life is beautiful: be in it. This life or the next is all we have in the Eternal now. The ancestors remind us that we are composites of all lives we have lived or experienced.

They ask us to maintain our spiritual integrity and to know that at all Times, in all Dreams, in all our activities ...we are always fractalised expressions of the One!

Bring a blanket or chair to sit on, bring an offering for the Fae or the ancestors. As we are near the sea this time a reminder: only coral, shell or gold bead offerings. (Milk offerings pollute the waters and often the water nymphs. Only land-lubber spirits like the milk offerings!

Aye me Hearties.. perhaps if we see with our pineal gland and without the distortions of our limited human eyes...we might See a mermaid?

Perhaps...perhaps..perhaps!

A $5 donation is appreciated. If you can’t bring money then bring your own light, your love, your truth and your peace. Ie a positive attitude.

See you on Saturday!

Much love from me and the Multiverses

Tanya Arons

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Socks has indulged in some serious acting out. I have had to wash four cushions and cushion covers and enzyme spritz my leather bench seat. Why is he doing this? Naughty boy.

I guess he’s getting older and a bit senile. I hope he settles himself back down soon.

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1:14 am I had a lovely day. It was wonderful to see Sally and Rachael after so long!

I managed to get a lot done today: mopped the floors, changed my bedding (so delicious to sink into bed with clean sheets!), did washing, worked on a new bracelet, finished my snake bracelet off - it needs a few modifications still but it’s looking better now that I swapped the chain over and gave it larger eyes.

Time to schluff! Laila Tov! Good night!

1 May 2019

1 May 2017

Watered back garden. Now exhausted. Might need to lie down.

Charlie is outside, singing. I listen to Alan Watts's lecture that Julie Goddard posted, while watering, with my iPhone tucked in my bra. Wonderful! I love these synchronous reminders from the Universe.

To sum up: Nothing really matters. We are not our Body. We are not our time or egoic minds. We are manifestations of Superconsciousness and function with or without our conscious awareness. (Our bodies are autonomous and automatic following rhythms and flow, not human time constructs).

I may get older (if I am lucky) or I might die but I will be back in another form and another experience. So much for Nirvana although if I have learned my karmic lessons I might just get to Merge. Or E-Merge.

Life is good only because it is in the eternal Now and it is our teacher. Death is good only as it is an end to suffering in one form and the birthing of another form. A doorway into the next paradigm. The wheel turns with or without our human awareness.

Oh and one I like: having money is not necessarily Wealth. Hmmm. But better than starvation/privation/official schnorring. But true wealth comes to me in the forms of Love, Light and without harming myself or others.

Without resentment, envy, betrayals or sabotage which were the means by which I lost my "perceived" wealth before. Because humans are greedy salacious cunts, yeah?! Those people thought they stole my life out from under me but all they got was money, houses, valuables. They can never have my most precious jewel - my heart, my intrinsic intricate mind or my soul.

My true wealth is a sunny day, laughter of birds and animals, gentle tinkling water, true loves and wisdom of the Wise Ones, and a few clowns.

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It is a glorious day! Magic happens! Lovely morning full of beauty and delights. Enough to spur us on in this spurious evil world that goodness, love, truth and beauty will always triumph over the darkness of our times.

1 May 2016

Only 4 hours sleep this morning but so far have enjoyed a quiet day. Now watching Woman in Gold on Stan. It's about the painting of Adele by Klimt. I adore his paintings.

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Flying free. Rising above the bullshit, soaring over the mountains, catching the mistrals and scenting the air for sweetness and flying down to the sea.

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They say dogs are like their owners. Well tonight I have dealt with Bobo several times in his resilience and determination to chew a knitted top that I have taken from him. He never quits when he wants something. Almost obsessive-compulsive with the impulsivity of a puppy.

I have also observed his great sense of humour and his feisty cantankerous growling which is his way of communicating rebellion or disgust with Mama.

He is friendly and out-going. Inquisitive. Persistent. Stubborn. Frightening in his fury if I dare even attempt to clip his nails. (I see myself there when I get triggered by attackers).

He is cheeky, brash and obnoxious depending on the situation in varying degrees. The hens would consider him a serial pest and attempted murderer. The cats frankly are over him and don't give a damn. But he is amusing how he seeks their approval, lying beside them yipping expectantly, like they should just put up with his demands reminding me of the creepy loathesome drunk male serial pests last night at the casino.

Wouldn't take No for an answer. The security were slack and could see I was losing my cool yet did nothing. Another potentially toxic situation that was defused by my women friends who picked up on my distressed fury.

The rest of the night ended up awesome after the two predators left the building. But I tire of having to defend/protect myself constantly.

Anyway, back to my dog. He is a funny little guy. Quite the comic. He just pushed my large velvet cushion off the couch so he could curl up in the corner. Smart lad. Bratty smart dog. He likes his creature comforts.

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I stand up for myself and all women in the fight against delegitimisation, rape, torture, degradation, abuses of women and girls. Our bodies=our choices, hearts and minds.

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So happy. In spite of my post-dancing IBS purge. So tired but too wired to sleep so today is going to be a lazy hazy movie-watching day with snoozes when-if they occur.

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Something powerful has happened or is happening to me. Like a shift or break-through. Feeling such overwhelming love and excitement. Euphoria! Coming into perfect alignment.

Something I have been praying for, for a certain person external to me. Unreachable. All this time it was myself. That core protected and defended, nurtured, supported. Loved. By something greater than mere mortal experience. Chosen and tested and trusted.

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I had an awesome night last night. Some switch went off in my mind-body-spirit and I just soared and swayed and spell-bound myself into bliss.

I hung out with Barry, Nanette and Peter at the end of the night. I dropped them home and had a cup of tea with them. It was a nice way to finish off the night. Even though we were exhausted!

Barry was very sweet and spoilt me with little casino chocolates, then bought me milk, bread and choc donut balls. Then jellybeans at his place. Sugar is what I needed after all that solid insane exercise. Thanks Bazza!

Then I came home, had a hot Epsom salt bath and hit the hay. Bobo climbed on the bed and snuggled for a while but then he had to be a puppy. Chasing Mushu around the house and under my bed. So 4 hours sleep and here I am...awake. It is gonna be a sleepy day. My feet are sore but my heart is full.

Catherine Holdsworth: Sounds like it was a great night !!! ‼️‼️‼️💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃

Me: I am not sure how as I was in a state of fury at some young guy that harassed me, also another older guy. I actually yelled at the top of my voice. But then I kept dancing and after a while the fury subsided and this beautiful peace fueled me instead.

The man I love with all my heart showed up to watch me. With one of the trashy pieces from the pub. But instead of feeling hurt and devastated I was just so happy as all he can do is love me from afar and play his little avoidant game but I know more than he. We love each other. Haha.

So I went and got a drink and one of my women friends came and ordered at the bar and she had just broke up with her man but she was revelling joyously and I was like, yeah baby. Proud of her strength.

Then my friend Roy showed up and he is such a gentle man and has always treated me with kindness and respect in a gallant manner. So we danced. (He has his own weird style of dancing like me, so we kind of complement each other).

He was happy and I was happy and we were just lost in that moment. Then hours later I was still dancing with Barry, Peter and Nanette.

I dunno but tonight (this past week even) I have felt beautiful, empowered, happy and so loved. Like out of nowhere, like a bolt of lightning.

The energy in my ears is still high. So perhaps spirit, or the Angels or God Him-Herself is healing me in a profound way.

I feel so blessed to be alive right now. Even in my solitude. It is a break-through, I feel. Now tomorrow I could crash and burn (part of being an end-stage trauma survivor) but for now, amazing, awesome feeling.

So much Love flowing like lava into cold Antarctic streams. Something new being born after so many decades of suffering. An island in the stream. A psychedelic dreamer's dream and the hope and promise of life fulfilled, healed and delightful.

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Haha! The bag behind my head is my Tallit Bag. From when I used to go to shul as a Reform Jew. I embroidered the tapestry myself. During a mini-tornado on holiday in Hervey Bay in 1992.

Like all significant events, milestones in my life: going Large, Out there, In-Your-face. Tempestuous.

Like Lucy told me early Saturday morning when I went to her rescue to get petrol for her car at 5 am, "Aunty, you have always been a colourful, confidant, larger than life, out there sort of person". I demurred "I was very quiet and withdrawn as a child". "Maybe" she said "but you always had a big personality. A big spirit".

So strange to hear such wisdom from one so young. My little kindred spirit in trauma and suffering, growing up wise and so beautiful at 31. Coming into her own. So good to see her evolve. So good to be loved and respected and admired by those who truly 'see' me. Heartfelt. Strong.

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1 May 2015

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Thank you G-d and Qld Govt for giving me this house to live in, on a hill, so in wild weather I get very little flooding. I am also a few streets away from the main road so it is peaceful and quiet here.

The garden will love this water and soon everything will be blossoming abundantly. The only awful thing will be my lawns which are already overgrown as my mower man didn't come this week with all the rain.

At any rate, I am lucky to have a dry house and a beautiful bed to lie in. My thoughts are with my homeless friends. I hope they found somewhere safe and dry out of this deluge!

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Wild weather makes Psychedelic Dreamer Wild. I woke up at 5 pm to an epic deluge. It feels so good. I would be at the casino tonight except I worry about traffic in flooded waters or accidents. Damn!

Another night in bed won't hurt me. Still got pain in my left leg where I stretched the tendon behind my knee. My spirit is champing at the bit to run free but my body is weak!

Hohum !

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4.12 am Still awake. Blech!

1 May 2014

Crystal drove me to QE2. Now sitting waiting to be taken in for the procedure.

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Home with Crystal. I have a small Hiatus Hernia. Glad to know what was causing the belching at night. Just need to cut out cheese, wine, chocolate (never but can cut back!), caffeine and alcohol. Caffeine is worst, the dr said. Bummer...will have to drink decaffeinated tea which tastes bland.

1 May 2013

Looking forward to meeting new people and possible new loves. Really liked guy from last week but it would seem the feeling was not mutual. Oh well, life goes on. I have been sleeping and relaxing at home.

Crystal is starting her own business, "Clown Play" which will provide children's and adult entertainment in Clown and later also Plays. Awesome! I am so proud of her!

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1 May 2012

It's 1.14 am. I've had a lovely happy day! Sunshine after all that horrid rain helped. Also Peter fixing my computer issues so I have a working mic and cam so my Paltalkian experience is enriched after six years of mad typing cos I couldn't Talk haha!

From comment section:

Regina Burton: Now you will have a problem with that kiwi accent of yours lol

Me: yes my canadian friend got rather a surprise when he finally heard my voice. He said he had never thought I would speak with an accent!

I had lots and lots of encouragement to key up and talk on mic as typing rapidly my usual wisecracks has become second nature. So my Paltalkian friends threatened to superglue my fingers together and made me talk....now they have created a monster....I can't shut up lol

1 May 2011

Today was Yom Hashoah. I spent the entire day sleeping until 4 pm. Let us never forget the martyrs and slain of the Shoah, nor the other 7 million people who died at the hands of the Nazis and their Collaborators during one of the most evil periods of the 20th Century.

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Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons