Maybe

Maybe.

Maybe she was afraid and didn’t accept any transgressions that mirrored past pain.

Maybe she didn’t let herself become fully vulnerable because she’s never had a relationship work.

Maybe she was right about not letting someone drain her glass when she needs someone who can fill it up.

But she so desperately wanted love.

She longed for the human who could make her feel safe. Safe to trust, safe to love, safe to be herself. Safe enough to truly let someone in knowing they wouldn’t leave her.

Maybe she was destined to be alone because she is stronger that way.

Maybe her future requires her to be fully dedicated to the purpose and mission that in this lifetime – she doesn’t get to have love.

Maybe the reason why she was so successful was because she understood she needed to be alone.

And anytime she wondered outside of the journey, into someone’s arms, her success began to squander.

Maybe she didn’t pay attention to the signs. Maybe she’s trying to force a life that she agreed not to seek.

Maybe she’s just broken in all of the places someone who isn’t broken doesn’t know how to care for.

Maybe there’s someone out there who needs someone to love them through their brokenness just the same.

Someone who knows what it’s like to be absolutely crushed and hit rock bottom emotionally. Someone who has gone through all of the lessons and doesn’t need her to be his teacher for someone else’s benefit. Someone who knows how not to trigger fear, a broken heart, or a worried mind.

There has to be a human on this earth who understands both the psychology of a mind and the sensitivity of a heart.

Maybe the karma of consistent pain is what fuels her ambitions and success. Maybe that’s what she asked for in this lifetime. To receive situations that break her so that she can work harder.

Maybe after each time someone walks away it forces her to look in the mirror and fix another piece of herself. After every time someone proves she isn’t enough to stay, she is forced to tell herself why she is.

She is forced to rebuild her confidence up and find new expectations, build new walls. Sometimes she fears she’s going to build so many boundaries to purposely keep her cold.

She’s tried to be warm and it always hurts her. The only time she’s ever been safe is when she’s cold. That’s when no one stands a chance.

Still, she’s a romantic, deep in her soul.

She doesn’t believe she should settle for someone because deep down she feels there is a person who is molded for her soul.

She believes in it, despite losing grasp of every almost relationship that leaves her behind like she wasn’t good enough every time.

Even though she looks in the mirror and sees her imperfections and reasons why she’s so easy to leave, why she isn’t good enough – she believes one person, the right person, will make her feel the opposite.

That she’s more than enough.

See her for her greatness, her potential, her heart, for how much she loves, the capacity of her heart, and never be capable of leaving it.

To never for even a moment make her feel like someone else has a shot.

In her moments of desperation, she waits for him to knock on her door without warning. To show up and prove he is there to protect her heart through the finish line. To be the strongest man but never too proud to fight for the smallest ounce of her presence.

She gets ready and imagines him surprising her because she knows that in that moment, if it were to come true, she’d know.

She’d know it was him. The one who would fill her cup with reassurance. The one who would wrap her heart in bubble wrap protection. The one who would open her eyes to the safest arms she’d ever embrace.

And the confidence in her decision. Solidified, written in ink, and so clear on her face.

When he never shows, it’s in the closing of the day that her hope waivers.

She fights the thought of good in the world.

Where her heart knows disbelief as its closest acquaintance.

As the lights go out and the walls fade into darkness with the night moon, she checks her phone. In one last attempt at being a believer before she closes her eyes.

Wondering why her soul would ever ask for such a journey.

Concluding her confidence of never trying and never believing – that this time it can be different. It’s never different and they never stay.

So, do with your heart what you must to protect it and hide it away.

And when they question why you walk alone, you’ll know your answer and you’ll know the reason, but a reply to their question requires no entertainment, no clarification, no appeasement.

And never again would she ever feel the need to help someone understand for their approval.

She wraps herself in her blankets replaying her mother’s comments. She knows that the seeds planted in her subconscious make her question everything and have ruined her shot at happiness. If she had just believed in her worth a little bit more, she wouldn’t always be one foot out the door.

In the end, the only comfort she’d settle for, is the one where she wasn’t required to play a game of emotional chess just to be in a relationship.

No matter how insignificant it seemed to be to someone else, she knew exactly why it was destructive for her own good.

And that takes years of lessons, wrong turns, too many second chances, and memories of the last look – to understand.