Matilde

Matilde is struggling to keep her mind clear but lately she has been losing touch with reality and is slowly descending into madness. Walking home, she slips underground like the other city rats into the subway system. Matilde hates the subway but needed to take cover, It was a hot muggy day in July and it started to rain heavily. She was wearing her nice 1950’s inspired black strappy dress like the one Sophia Loren wore in that famous photo of her. As she entered the subway, she bought a Lotto scratch ticket at one of the kiosks to keep her occupied on the ride home.

Matilde's hair got wet and started to curl and go wavy. She likes to wear her hair straight and styled into a sleek do. Matilde has beautiful natural hair down the middle of her back, to her this looks very rich and sophisticated. That is the look she is going for, rich and sophisticated. She is a tall thin woman in her early thirties with above average looks, she knows this since she has been complimented on her beauty several times and people often stare at her.

A seat is available on the subway and she sits down, she takes out The notebook her best friend Marion gave her. Matilde always dreamed of being a writer and on her birthday Marion gifted her a black 5x8 Moleskine notebook with the inscription

Dear Matilde,

Just write and you will bloom!

Love Marion xo

Marion told Matilde to just write things down whenever she felt inspired, write down her thoughts, her feelings, or any catchy phrases and lyrics, or even just do some journaling. As Matilde was writing down her thoughts, she was surrounded by people in the subway car, they smelled of sweat and most were ugly. Thoughts were screaming in her head, she started writing, “How common! I hate this! I should be in my own car or at least in a cab!” Matilde had been writing a lot in her black notebook lately, most of it was lucid, but lately some of it was just scribbled nonsense. These days not everything in her head made sense. She started imagining how life would be if she chose differently, she just knew that whatever she is living now is not working and was causing her great malaise.

On the ride home she was thinking of her rich lover she just left at The Ritz hotel. They met in university when they were both students and have been friends for the past ten years. After his studies, he moved back to Dubai to work for his family’s shoe factory .He returns for business a few times a year and always makes a point to see Matilde. Every time he sees her he offers her to come to Dubai and try and make a life there. He could get her a job teaching English at his aunt's private school and set her up with an apartment, but Matilde always declines. She has responsibilities here at home and she is not sure how her lover’s wife would like Matilde that close by. The subway train comes to a sudden stop. The conductor’s voice comes over the speaker system and announces that there is a technical issue and that they will be stopped for a while, voices groan. While stuck in the subway train she muses at the fact that her lover has never been in the subway system or has never even taken any mode of public transportation.

Being with him about town and in fancy restaurants gives her a high that lasts for days. Just being associated with him is enough. Having her jet setting lover, no matter how emotionally unavailable he was, made her feel just a little bit more elevated. She kept telling herself that she deserved a better life than the one she had. Matilde really believed that she was destined for better things, even though she has not done much to get it for herself. “He thinks I am special, I should go with him and he can save me from this mundane life that I have. I really should go with him this time, I would have a better lifestyle.”

The conductor came back on the speaker system with an announcement that they will be immobile for another fifteen minutes. Matilde takes out her ticket and starts to scratch.

“Cherry, banana, jackpot, clover leaf, jackpot, jackpot...wait, I think this is a winning ticket.” she mumbles to herself. She checks the legend on the back of the ticket. Three jackpots, it's the grand prize of $20,000.00! Her mouth drops, she is in disbelief. Matilde’s face starts to become hot and now her mouth becomes a huge smile. She is elated but realizes that she must contain herself, she doesn't want to raise suspicion, she needs to carefully consider how to handle this, what to do with these winnings. This can improve her situation immensely. She looks around her at the other passengers and no one seems to have noticed anything and they continue to look dull.. She tucks the winning ticket safely into her wallet and the train starts to move again.

Matilde emerges from the hot subway station and into the Gay Village where she lives with her husband and his disabled mother in the subsidized senior housing project. Steam is coming from the hot humid sidewalks, the village streets and clubs are crowded. Men with men, women with women, holding hands, kissing and flirting with each other. She glides by walking past them towards the housing complex. She always holds her breath before entering through the front doors. The smell of death is permanent but the tenants are temporary. Walking down the hallway towards the apartment is depressing but familiar. She walks through the door and sees her broken and unemployed but loving man waiting to greet her. She gives him a smile showing no hint of the great news and winnings she won and deep inside, feeling like a heel.

That evening was uneventful as usual. There is no air conditioning in the building and Matilde is melting. Her husband prepares dinner for everyone and they sit and eat, Matilde is particularly silent that night deep in thought. Her husband has noticed a change in her. She is not the fun loving devoted person she used to be. She has become a bit strange and inconsistent in her moods but he hopes that this is just a phase, that she is just a bit stressed at work and that this will pass. It is too hot to do anything so Matilde goes to bed early. The next morning she gets ready for work as usual, her husband is cleaning up after breakfast. She leaves the black notebook by his bedside table to read. She figures it might explain what is about to happen. Matilde checks the Lotto ticket one last time and makes sure it is safe in her wallet. She kisses her husband goodbye and leaves the apartment for the last time. She never returns.