Mapping One’s Self

Change.

It’s something we all go through. As people, most of all. We grow and evolve over our lifetimes, some of us more extreme than others.

I've Undergone So Many Shifts

Especially this last year and a half.

I am not the same person who left Washington State. And most probably wouldn’t recognize me if I went back now.

Hell, sometimes, I don’t recognize myself.

Before I Moved

While I had undergone some personal growth after my first breakup, I'd been relatively the same person since Covid hit the world.

At least until my first trip to Texas.

That was when the shift started happening. I began picturing my life as something more than it was at that time.

The First Few Months of Me Moving

A few things occurred right after I moved to Texas:

Feeling My Feelings

A lot of emotional decompression happened. There was a lot of crying and sleeping and overall mental recovery as everything I’d been repressing and suppressing was rising to the surface.

It was the only time when I took naps. I think my body needed to release the built-up stress.

The Breakup

The breakup with my now-best friend/roommate also went down, which was hard. And I was mad. And didn’t handle things the best, which ended up creating drama in our friend group.

It was a harsh lesson to learn.

Learning I'm Autistic

Unlike a lot of people, learning about my autism felt like a chain breaking from me. So much about myself just made sense, especially the AuDHD label.

Of course, it’s not my personality. I’m much more than any diagnosis I could have, but it’s helped me figure out what does and doesn’t work for me.

The Time In Between

I will admit I got stuck in a loop of self-pity, which isn’t a good thing. I’m not even sure how it happened, but it wasn’t a fun time for me.

Things still happened, though:

Met His Girlfriend

I was very nervous the day I first met her. I was pacing outside while he was picking her up from the airport, but I walked back inside not too long before they got back.

When I opened the gift box she’d gotten me (she had gotten all of us one), it took all of my willpower not to cry.

There was a handmade hat, a bracelet, a book, two journals, and a couple of other items.

But the thoughtfulness of someone I’d never met moved my soul to tears.

She Moved In

Not gonna lie; it was hard those first few weeks. The pecking order had changed, and I didn’t know where I fit in. She did try to make things easier, though.

These Last Six+ Months

So much has happened since turning 26:

I Went Back to Washington

I visited for two weeks, leaving the day after my birthday, and while I had a horrible head cold (don’t fly on a plane with clogged ears; it’s awful).

It was nice seeing my friends and family, and my Coffee Bean. Telling them some of the things I’ve learned about myself and whatnot. Along with visiting some of my old haunts and visiting new ones.

But it no longer felt like home. I no longer belonged there. And that’s okay. We outgrow places and people.

I Started Dating Again

Coming back from my trip, I realized I wanted to try dating again. So I opened my apps and started talking to multiple people. I even did the casual thing for a hot minute.

My Third Relationship

Burned fast, crashed hard. But I’m honestly glad it didn’t last long. Reflecting on it, he was very controlling, and I felt myself splitting mentally between who I was and what he wanted me to be.

The Ultimatum

This happened at the end of my last relationship and served as the catalyst for the breakup. However, my roommate told me that I had two weeks to find a job, or other arrangements needed to be made.

And boy, did I bust my ass. I was making phone calls. Scouring Indeed/LinkedIn, walking into stores, and submitting dozens of applications daily.

Thank God it paid off.

My In-Store Promoter Job

Never imagined myself having a job in which talking to people was my main focus. And while I didn’t enjoy the sales aspect and I only lasted two months, I learned that I actually enjoy meeting and greeting people.

My New Relationship

I did not plan this whatsoever. Was just doing my own thing, focusing on my writing and my job, when he messaged me on Instagram one day, checking to see how I’d been doing.

Which led to us chatting and meeting up, and here we are now, our wierdo, goofy selves.

My New Job

I’m now a show attendant for The Light Park, a drive-thru Christmas lights experience. So I make lemonade, popcorn, help set things up, and meet and greet people.

While it’s a seasonal job, I’m excited to be doing it. And so far, it’s been fun and low-stress. It kind of reminds me of my time as a Girl Scout when my troop hosted events, only I get paid.

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Although it has been a hectic time, I feel that I have grown so much as a person. I have more confidence, I feel more grounded in my life, and I feel overall much happier within myself.

I Will Continue Changing

I certainly hope so. I’m excited to see who I will become.

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