make choices

At the moment with my mental health so bad this worldwide lockdown and virus hasn't really registered to highly with me. its more something to add to the growing list of crap going on around me. Also as a support worker for disabled adults I cant really lock down anyway unless I get ill. I have to make choices on how to keep going for the people that need me in more or less one piece.

My fiancé isn't doing well due to the same stresses I have, the lockdown could delay our planned wedding but we both realise there's not a lot we can do about it. That's actually a big step for both of us and for anyone in a similar position. You have to decide what you can and cant affect and decide what that means to how you carry on. To keep working I have to stay well, I cant guarantee I can avoid it will do my best. Fiancés parents are a mix of older and with pre existing health issues, we cant guarantee keeping them well but we will try.

What we are forced to accept is that this virus is here, things will probably get worse and the time of restrictions is not known. For many years of my last depressive period I wouldn't have been able to do that and its possible the resolve wont last. I will do the full hand washing technique I learned many years ago as a carer, will sneeze into my arm and I wont be an idiot and panic buy things I don't need.

She lost her job a month or so ago and the virus makes her chance of finding a job worse as less people are hiring staff. We can affect this by applying for more and more jobs, we cant affect people hiring her. We are doing our best as we have among other things rent, car mot and the wedding to come over the next few months.

I have been through stuff like this before and this is mainly "here we go again" I think I am dealing better then before or at least dealt for longer before crash landing. Bills will pile up, we may have to lose our rented flat, maybe sell the car and who know what else. We love each other and want to get married but its all going to be hard.

At the end of this we could be still engaged, in more debt and homeless. Equally we could be married and living in the same place and she is back working. We have chosen battle to fight and battles that have to be fought for us or around us. We can take the medication and listen to the doctors and try their suggestions but again we have to make choices.

So if your in a similar situation good luck and try to worry about what you can affect and let things you cant go as much as possible. Easy to say but very hard to do. Hopefully it will help, especially while so much is going on at the moment. Any positivity will hopefully help. Maybe just write down what's upsetting or stressing you and see if any of it can be something you cant affect.

I wish was it as easy to do as it is to write it down, sometimes I wish I could do it better myself. To help those struggling around me I need to be at my best, my partner gets low when I am. Also I need to be ready to transport father in law to his surgery, possible in emergency if he becomes ill. I also care for disabled people who don't all understand what's happening and why they cant go out, I need to be at my best for them as well. Heres to us strong people, all of us will hopefully get through our problems and come out on top.