Madame Livre Noir

“I can't be with you anymore! I can't! You suck the air out of wherever I am and you know that you’re doing it. I have tried to be whatever version of myself you needed every day, and still, you find a way to tell me l am not enough. If that’s the case then let me leave. Don't look for me and I won't look for you, just let me leave!”

Madam Livre Noir’s words had never resonated more to me than at this moment. I looked around at my seemingly grey apartment where even the plants no longer survived, knowing that if I didn't leave, this place would kill me. I walked around looking at the pictures of my partner and I while holding my grandmother's black book which she had bound and given to us prior to her passing. She used to say, “You only know this version of me love, but you have no idea what I have been through to become this.”

At the time I couldn't even fathom that being true, especially since she was my favorite person in the world. But as I held her book in my hands, noticing the curve in her penmanship, I realized that she was right. I only knew a piece of her but not all that it took to become her.

“Honey, I am home,” Jess called out preparing to make an entrance. I used to think it was cute but now it was starting to sound like fingernails on a chalkboard which made my skin crawl. I would cringe and my pulse would quicken as I'd look to see those brown shoes coming around the corner. I'd been preparing to fake a smile for what seemed like hours, and if I’m being honest that’s the part I hated the most. “Hey love, how was work?” I asked, ready to hear a barrage of complaints. I often found myself wondering how a person could be out for hours and still somehow find a way to complain about anything, even the sun.

“I didn’t stay all day, I quit.” I heard Jess say. I let out a laugh waiting to hear that this was a joke. “You’re serious?” I was still hopeful that was being teased so that my laugh would be justified. A half-smile appeared on my partner's face and for a moment I could breathe. The idea of being in the house for hours on end with no reprieve was starting to sound like a different realm of hell that I wasn't aware of nor prepared for. “I actually did quit, but I had a good reason….” I heard Jess say as sounds and words began to swirl together. I felt my legs get weak and I began gripping the counter for support, noticing the colors in my fingertips changing. I realized I had to calm myself down or this could get a lot worse.

“I'm sorry honey, everything started to blur together. You said you quit and had a good reason? Could you just tell me what that was?” Even though I was starting to feel like I was drowning, I was always able to keep my poker face. This was one of the things that Jess adored about me when we were first dating, but now seven years in, it was the topic of conversation on more than one occasion. “Tell me what you're thinking,” Jess asked in a tone that sounded as sweet as honey, but I knew when the words were laced like that, it would surely be a venom that followed. “No love, you tell me first, I want to be as excited as you are, so please tell me this great news,” I responded, watching as the smile began to form and knowing, that if only for a moment, I was in good standing with my love.

Jess reached into the front right pocket of those tattered blue jeans and pulled out a golden piece of paper. “We won!! All the numbers matched!!! We're officially the only winners of last night's Powerball drawing!! Now we can get a house, or go on vacation or something.” Jess said. My head began to swirl, realizing that we were the winners of Eighty-Two million dollars, which meant I had to stay. I started to cry uncontrollably and ran into the bathroom as quickly as I could, closing and locking the door behind me. I couldn’t breathe when the room started to go dark but I heard, “A normal person would be happy about this but you always find a way to make a good thing something else don't you?!” Jess smacked the door and continued, “I'm going out to celebrate since you seem to find this news so unbearable.” I looked in the mirror and remembered all the nights of faking a smile to keep Jess happy. I remembered cooking Jess’s favorite meal for a game night only to be told repeatedly that it was terrible. I recalled crying on the floor after losing our child, watching the eye rolls, and being told “It was only the size of a bean anyways.” then being left alone.

The idea of “living” my life this way for however long I had left, began to crush my chest. As I gathered myself once Jess left, I stood in on my checkered tile, numb, until all I could do was look up and whisper, “Granny Noir, you left pop and didn't look back. That's what I want to do, but I can't. I don't have a way, so if you could just make a way...” My voice began to crack and trail off into silence, as I walked towards my bed holding her black book a little tighter until I fell asleep and I began to dream.

I was standing in the dirt wiggling my toes as I began to sink deeper. I didn't call out for help, nor did I fight it. I just let the earth swallow me until there was nothing left above or below. As I stood surrounded by the various tones and textures, I heard a voice called out, “Sweet pea, you can't stay there forever. You have to get up, love.” I closed my eyes attempting to drown out the noise. “I said come up here pea pod, we have things we need to talk about.” My eyes shot open at the nickname. There had only ever been one person to ever call me that. “Granny Noir?” I called out. “Well you sure won't find out by staying down there now will you?” the voice said. I began digging above my head and all around me trying to reach the familiar voice above me.

“Am I close?” I asked. “So Close.” I heard, and with one final motion, I removed the remaining earth to find my grandmother. She was beautifully dressed in all white when she began reaching down to help me to my feet. I leapt into her arms and cried out, “I missed you so much.” I exclaimed between sobs. She held me closely and echoed my sentiment saying, “I missed hugging you pea pod. But I've always been with you, so I didn't get a chance to miss you.” I could feel her smile on my cheek. She began releasing me from her hold but didn't let go of my hands. “Now listen here. We don't have much time”, she began, “but I don't like this Jess person. Not for you. And I heard you say you wanted to leave so I’m going to help you.” she started to smile so genuinely that it reminded me, if only for a moment what it felt like to be loved. Then she finished, “Look at page twenty-four.”

I stared at her confused and asked, “Page Twenty-four?” She looked down at my hands and repeated, “Yes Pea Pod….” I followed her gaze to my hands where I was holding her black book with her name now written in Gold Gilding, “Madam Livre Noir.” I started to smile as she kissed my forehead and said, “Now wake up, Jess will be back.” No sooner than she finished her command, did I open my eyes to see I was back in my room with the light on.

As quickly as I could, I attempted to locate the page, noticing that the book jumped from page twenty-three to page twenty-six. I started to panic, thinking that maybe the dream meant nothing and my reality was destined to be more suffering when I ran my fingers over the corner. As I traced softly, I realized that something was different here. There was more than one page. I began separating them as gingerly as possible, holding my breath as one page became two. Once they were separated, a paper tied with Red string fell into my lap. I held it for a moment in complete amazement understanding that Granny Noir had in fact, never left me, I just could no longer see her. As the emotions washed over me I removed the string from the pages then lifted the top flap and gasped. “DEED”. Tears began to fall from my eyes, and I felt a heaviness lift off of me and I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding in. I looked down at page twenty-four for an explanation reading Granny Noirs' next words.

“Pea Pod,

Before you were born, my mother came to me and told me all about you. She said you were strong-willed but that you would need this. She also said to leave you some money so that’s what I did. You'll find two-million dollars in the basement of the house and two-thousand in the deed. This is your fresh start Pod, and it should be far enough away from whatever you're trying to escape so you can have a fresh start. As you read about me at some point you will find that I left someone behind, you may even ask how I did it. This is how. My mom left me this house just like I'm leaving it to you. This is our family home, where our roots are, and where you will undoubtedly find yourself. So even if it's not time now, if you ever need to get away, our home is there for you. I'll always love you more than the moon and the stars, and I’m always with you.

Love,

Granny.

As I continued to cry, I threw all my important documents and clothes into a suitcase then called an uber. Planning how I could escape if Jess got back before I could leave I waited until the ETA was one minute away. I decided that if needed I could go down the fire escape and I would meet the car at the curb but with no Jess insight, I rushed downstairs looking for the Yellow Honda Civic which was destined to take me away. As it pulled up a scream began echoing down the sidewalk. “Bella Ann!” My heart was suddenly in my chest, and without looking back I jumped into the car then hurriedly buckled my seatbelt. “Bella Ann I didn't say you could go anywhere!” As we started to drive away I heard the sound of brown shoes crashing into the pavement and as quickly as they were coming, they began to fade. My heart rate began to slow as we turned the corner towards the airport, then my phone began to ring.

Message from Jess “Get back here!”

Message from Jess “I said now!!”

Message from Jess “You have nothing and no one, including no money!”

Message from Jess, “I said……..” I swiped up the screen and looked at the uber app. Fifteen minutes until you arrive at your destination. Fifteen minutes until I get to the airport. Fifteen minutes until I can start my life over. Just fifteen minutes until…...