Low-level parents, like to constantly pick on their children, while high-level parents, only do these 3 things

There is a saying by educator Hervé: "Even ordinary children if properly educated, can become extraordinary."

However, I found that in real life, many parents do not know how to educate but are still dissatisfied with their children:

Some parents habitually attack and criticize their children. In their eyes, it seems that their children will always be lacking. As we all know, the more you stare at your child's shortcomings, the more you can't grow up to make your parents happy.

Parents who are fault-finding tend to raise children with low self-esteem.

The writer Sanso once wrote to his father complaining: "The greatest sorrow of my life is not to earn the world, but to beg you to appreciate me." Parents are full of love for their children, always willing to help them find problems, point out where they are not doing well, and what is lacking - these questions can be done wrong, so stupid! Getting up so late every day and procrastinating, what should we do in the future? Taking the initiative to say hello to auntie is too rude... Most parents disagree, but are very critical and can easily raise children with low self-esteem. A counselor shared the story of a visitor: The visitor was a girl whose mother was a teacher and was very strict with her. The father was a factory owner and was usually busy working and rarely came home. Even at home, the time for communication between parents was limited and awkward. In her young environment, her mother was always picky and demanding. Regardless of her studies, life, looks, and personality, she always found children who were better than her in every way, often showing negativity and even dislike. The book "Self-Awakening, Giving Children the Best Birth Family" mentions:- "Parents' harsh attitudes, hurtful attitudes, prejudices and unreasonable expectations of their children are internalized in the child's sense of self-esteem, creating a set of inner voices against themselves."

From the mother's mirror, the child forms a sense of herself for the first time. In the mother's eyes, she sees herself full of flaws, so she too is convinced that she is bad. She said to the counselor, "Although people say I am in an okay condition, I despise myself." As a student, she served as a class officer, got good grades, and treated people with distinction. In the eyes of her teachers and classmates, she was a very good person. As an adult, she met a guy who liked her a lot, and her first reaction was "not worthy". She says, "It's more practical for me to be in a conditional relationship. When I met someone who didn't want anything but to be nice to me, it was more of a shock than a surprise."

The more demanding and conditional the love a child receives from an early age, the lower his or her self-worth. After working, faced with challenging projects, she doesn't think she's capable of completing them. In life, whether facing friends or partners, she doesn't believe she deserves to be loved and is afraid to take the initiative to give. She is afraid that she will not be able to grasp the right proportion and have conflicts with others. Her first reaction is her problem, living a timid life. Parental discontent is not always countered by the child, but it does not mean that the blow and hurt will disappear. These shadows will remain throughout the years, forever fixed in the child's life.

The more critical a parent is, the less motivated a child is.

Most parent-child conflicts stem from the parents' lack of appreciation and the adults' habit of blowing the whistle on their children. Last week, my family and I went on a camping trip and picnic. Everyone sat around a table and grilled. While grilling, my niece put the side of the bowl on the table because it was too hot. Before the meat in her chopsticks reached her mouth, her father said to her in front of the whole family, in a disgusted tone, "Lift the bowl and eat, it's not normal for a teenage girl to eat." These words, like a pot of cold water, poured out the good mood of the child. Afterward, my niece made me cry, "Everyone eats like this. Only I can pick out a lot of problems when I lift my hand. It's really weak. What can I do to make them happy?" Parents' bad words and behavior toward their children can make them wonder if they are worthless. In psychoanalytic theory, the personality structure is divided into three layers: the ego, the self, and the superego. The ego represents primitive impulses and desires. The superego represents the moral sense. The ego is in the middle of the two, coordinating the conflict. When our ego has some impulses and desires, the superego uses its moral sense to suppress the ego, thus influencing our behavioral choices. If an individual is overly criticized and judged by parents, peers, teachers, or other authorities in early childhood, the superego may become too powerful, resulting in an "abusive superego. People with an "abusive superego" may seem to have excellent self-discipline, but it can be described as a form of "self-abuse". They tend to use external norms and standards to over-judge and discipline themselves, constantly criticize and belittle themselves, and hurt their self-esteem. Many parents may think, "Is this bad? A person can be very demanding of themselves and more likely to succeed. Little do we know that asking too much of ourselves can backfire. For example, some children who usually do well in school will drop the ball when it comes to important exams, some will hate studying and reject school; some of them can't handle the enormous academic pressure, and don't want to ask their parents for help and can't get rid of their negative emotions. They become irritable and emotionally out of control... In this case, they are forced to maintain self-discipline. When they fail, their ego is "punished" by an abusive superego, which leads to deep shame and self-loathing. Negative emotions can significantly affect our self-control, making self-discipline more difficult and leading us into a vicious cycle in the pursuit of our goals. As the book, Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist says, "There is no stronger criticism than self-criticism and no harsher judge than ourselves."

The most important factor influencing a child's excellence is not willpower, but emotion. Being critical and harsh does not give children the motivation to move upward. Instead, it gives them bad emotions that will only make them miserable and move in the opposite direction of excellence.

The greatest support parents can give to their children is deep understanding and acceptance.

We want our children to become better, but we always criticize them. How does a child do that? Parenting can only work if you read your child's heart.

1. See your child's good points. Vanden once said: "Every child has an imperfect side. See more good places, find the flash point, is the direction of a child's growth and progress."

When you keep making more and more bright spots, there will be fewer and fewer dark places. This is the way to give your child self-esteem. The other day I saw a mom in my circle of friends complaining about how hard it is to educate her child. During the holidays, she chased her child every day to do her homework, but it was very rebellious. She can only draw, and she can draw one a day.

Looking at the child's work, I realized that it is not the child who should be educated, but the parents. The child's paintings are very spiritual, you can see that she is very talented, she has a high sensitivity to color, and her use of color and even lines are very bold. The most important thing is that you have a high degree of self-discipline about what you like. The child insists on the merits of painting and chooses to turn a blind eye to them. Instead, you only know how to criticize your child. If this parent could see these strengths and praise him, the child would have a strong sense of identity, would be confident, and would be more willing to take on other challenges. There is a quote from Barbara McClintock, a woman scientist: "I am a daisy in autumn. I believe that not every flower blooms in the spring."

Parenting is an art of appreciation. Each child is unique. Only by accepting your child as he or she is and focusing on his or her strengths can your child grow freely and live out his or her own.

2. Speak directly about your needs and mobilize your child's sense of competence. The book Nonviolent Communication says: "If we make claims through criticism, people often respond by defending or fighting back. In contrast, if we speak directly about our needs, others are more likely to respond positively."

I know a parent who wanted her child to learn to do chores during the holidays. She would buy the groceries every morning and tell her child, "I'm going to leave the cooking to you today because Mommy has something to do. I have already bought some dishes, you can start preparing them at x specific time, tell your child the whole cooking process, and finally say, "If you like to do something, you are free to do it. Mom believes you can do this. "Only by making specific requests will your child be able to accurately receive the information and carry it out, leaving room for your child to play freely and gain a sense of competence from it. Be specific and clear, and don't let your child guess what you think so that communication can be smoother and cooperation can be better.

3. focus on cultivating your child's soft power psychologist Qian Zhiliang said:- "What determines a child's life is never short-term performance." Many parents are putting the cart before the horse when it comes to their children's education, pushing their children to work hard to get high scores and attend prestigious schools. It's not enough to have high scores, but it's also important to be versatile and take graded exams to put pressure on your child, which only wears out both parents and children. Harvard University once spent 75 years studying the growth of individuals. The family and health status of 724 men were tracked. One study showed that those children who grew up to be very successful tended to have the following four characteristics: first, good interpersonal relationships; second, an awareness of problems and a research mentality; third, a strong independent character; and fourth, a never-ending learning mentality. It is more important to develop the qualities of a child than the grades. What makes a child is a perseverance, a strong desire to learn, motivation, and persistence in the pursuit of goals. Mental health, self-esteem and self-confidence, personality development, thinking skills, frustration resistance, and self-management skills are all important "soft skills" that affect a child's life. We focus more on the child's growth and emphasize the process rather than the outcome. There is a famous "Wallach effect" in psychology, which tells us that children's intellectual development is unbalanced, and they all have strengths and weaknesses. Once the best points are found and the intelligence is fully expanded, amazing results can be achieved. When it comes to educating children, we should all know one thing: don't use the ideal standards of parents to demand of children. Behind the high demands that are not met are demands and limitations. Let go of your obsession with perfection and give your child a healthier environment to take root, and he will grow into his most satisfying form.