Loving a Narcissist

So how do I tell a story about the authentic me, if I’ve only just gained the knowledge of who she is? Aah. Where do I even begin? Do I begin with my childhood? Do I begin by explaining how I was severely emotionally neglected by my mother as a child? Should I mention my absent father? Do I start with my first long term relationship with the father of my 19-year-old daughter? An overt narcissist. Or do I begin at my very recent divorce (after 9 years) to a covert narcissist? I suppose I’ll begin with telling a bit about myself.

I am a 40-year-old woman. A mother of 4. I am not where I want to be in life but am improving steadily. I have often felt like a failure. I have beaten myself up about my life choices for as long as I can remember. So maybe I need to begin with my childhood, in short. And from there, work my way into my adulthood. Maybe that’s the only way I can make it make sense. I have been trying to make it make sense for a few months now. Ever since I decided that enough was enough with my marriage.

My mother never kissed or hugged me. There’s a place to begin. I do not remember my mom ever showing me affection. I do not remember my mom ever talking to me as if I were a human being with feelings. My and my siblings’ presence always seemed more of an annoyance to her than a pleasure, as far as I can remember. And she always seemed sad. She was often in a room, alone, watching tv. While us kids played amongst ourselves. Unless we were getting in trouble. That’s where the yelling and spankings came in. We saw her for that often enough. I believe that is the most important thing I want to share about my childhood. That I was always yearning for her love and not getting it. And then I barely saw my father. I said that already, but let’s tie it in here as a reminder.

One thing that I contemplate from time to time as an adult is how my mom never talked to me about life. I have a young adult daughter now and it was/is so important to me to discuss life with her as she grew/grows more mature. The ups and the downs. I try to give her advice as often as I see fit. Because I’ve been there and have experience. Seems simple enough, right? Sometimes I wonder if my life would’ve turned out differently if I’d just gotten advice from my mother. When she knew that I was sneaking around with boys (and young men) as an early teen, why didn’t she tell me not to? I’d been caught and punished, but never just talked to. Why didn’t she tell me that I deserved so much more? I was always the “smart kid” in school. From elementary through high school. A terrific writer, all the teachers would tell me. I had several teachers give me kudos for my schoolwork. But my mother never cared about my academic achievements. She never patted me on the back for my “good job”.

I never paid much attention to how easily I could understand things during my school-age learning. All I knew was that it could be my ticket out of poverty. My plan was to attend college, make something of myself, and never be broke again. But that never happened. I did attend college. After doing the entire application process alone, just like everything else in my life. I was accepted into a school that I really wanted to attend. To get rich of course. Not because I loved the major I chose. Only to be wealthy did I seek higher learning. No one ever told me to do something that you love. I don’t remember hearing it as a high school student.

So once in, I almost made it to enough credits for an associate degree (although going for a bachelor’s). Then the university I attended told me that I could not return the following semester because I didn’t have the funding. I tried to get outside loans and could not. I was all alone trying to figure that out as well. Therefore, I had to stop going to college. I had my own apartment. I was kicked out of my mom’s house at age 15. On my own since age 18. I needed to survive. I started stripping for money. Wow! How’d that happen, you ask? Probably because of my low self-image and lack of guidance. I did that for a while. Then I began my first low paying job at a bank and slowed down with my extremely self-destructive lifestyle. Or did I? No, I didn’t. I just got a “normal” job, so that left me with the feeling that at least I was doing that. It could be worse.

I met my first narcissist when I was only 20 years old. After a great deal of immoral nights with different men. My eldest daughter’s father. And he surely took me through the ringer. I didn’t know what narcissism was at that point. I just knew he was evil. And now I had another human to care for to add to my distress. Making it a lot easier to lose even more focus on myself. The time I spent trying to get her father to love me properly, was the first time I lost my entire self. So young. And it never ended unfortunately. I was not fully done chasing that dream of gaining all the love I never had yet, even after I stopped chasing the dream in him. I continued to allow men to use me for my body. I was now 31 years old.

Now, allow me to explain who I believe my true self is. I can’t tell the story properly without that, correct? I have to explain it to the reader in the same way I have to explain it to myself in present day. When you have been lost chasing a narcissist’s love for years, it’s hard to even remember who you are. The true Rachel had dreams (I write this with tears). Although I didn’t know exactly how I’d be successful, I knew that I would be. I was too intelligent not to be. Let me add that I see that as delusional in the present day. It took me all these years to figure out that a great deal of trial comes with success if you are not privileged to have a running start. No one ever talked to me about that.

So back to my true self.

These were the parts of me that I'd always known deep down, but never highlighted them in my thoughts to raise my self-esteem. I was hilarious and people loved to be around me. I still don't know which hobbies I enjoy as an adult, because I have never enjoyed a hobby as an adult. Ever. I did used to enjoy reading as a child because we always had books and very little other entertainment sources. But other than reading as a child, I’ve got nothing. Unless you want to include alcohol abuse, partying and promiscuity as a hobby. I engaged in all of those things for a great deal of my young adulthood. But my true self always knew that I was worth more than what I was allowing to be my life’s journey. My true self knew that I could not change my childhood trauma. But I was always sure that I had been blessed with talents and intelligence. My true self knew that I was very angry inside and that in order for me to heal from this inner rage, I needed to do something. I did not know exactly what though. So, I ignored that part as well.

Until very recently, I believed that a man was going to be what saved me. A happy family. The family that I never had was the answer. I never calculated that this man could bring even more damage to my already fragile being. I never considered that in order to have a healthy family, the adult parties involved needed healthy mental capacities. I never even considered that. And no one had ever told me. So, is everything my fault? There’s my authentic over thinking brain peeking in again. But basically, my true self now knows that I am the one who has to take care of me. Not a man. I am an empath. I love helping people. I thrive when I help people. I hate to see people suffering. My authentic self now knows that I was ignoring my own suffering for my entire adult life. I know that this has to end.

Now pinpointing a specific time that I displayed my authentic self is easy. Because I’ve explained that I’m just meeting her again after many years. As a matter of fact, maybe I am meeting my authentic self for the first time at 40 years old. Through the years, I’d seen media and heard people discuss “loving yourself”. And it was always an abstract concept to me that I never delved into any deeper than just hearing about it. Retrospect is interesting, because now, at such a late stage in my life, I see how important this concept really is. Loving yourself is paramount in life! Just something else that I missed the mark with. My authentic self was in need of serious guidance. As I learn who I am, I also learn the key essentials to optimal success. Why did I miss so many psychological essentials in my life? I believe, now, that the school system should also include curriculum on self-awareness. Why are we, as children, not taught to care for ourselves mentally in school? Is school not for our children’s future success? How can we be sure that a child is being taught to be self-aware in their home? My authentic self is inquisitive. My authentic self is an overthinker. Authentic Rachel lives with severe anxiety. So now, based on all of my recent readings on finding yourself, my authentic self knows that I must learn to love myself. Everything about myself. And my authentic self must also heal if I am ever going to achieve the peace that I desire in this hectic world.

I suppose I’ll tell a bit about my 9-year toxic marriage. Just a bit I’ll tell. Because it still stings terribly. Thinking of it right now physically puts me in an “ill” state. I was so confused for so long. He loved me. He loved me not. He loved me. He loved me not. But I wasn’t picking petals off of a flower playing a childish game. I was living in that. The parts that I will include here are the ways in which I was losing myself.

Firstly, I sort of turned my intelligence off when it came to circumstances that didn’t add up. How my emotional needs were being ignored or how he kept falling into financial ruin, while I stayed home with the children. Stayed home with the children. That sounds so odd when I contemplate that I have 4 children now. As a young adult I said I’d never have children. Then I changed that for a man. With my ex-husband, I gave him the ball for our income. Oh, why did I give him the ball? I could’ve been making all sorts of money. But I told myself that I would do the stay-at-home mom thing for a while, then when the children were old enough, I’d start my own career goals. But I’d never wanted that before I got lost in the false reality of what I wanted. If anything, I wanted it the other way around. It was him that convinced me that that’s what I wanted. The narcissist’s manipulation is top level. Trust me when I tell you.

Although I knew I wasn’t comfortable with many things happening in the marriage, I turned my inquisitive nature down. I failed to simply “Google” things that were occurring in this toxic marriage so that I could get some insight on if I was crazy or not (a narcissist does well with making their spouse think they’re going crazy inside). The abuse was so insidious though. So subtle. But I knew that something was not right. The circle of friends I had in the times of my toxic relationships weren’t discussing toxic relationships any further than telling me what their partner did that was so toxic. Then the two of us would bash him or her until we tired of it. I definitely knew something wasn’t right, but I landed in a place of numbness. I landed in a place of doing the bare minimum just to be able to make it through a day.

I was becoming my mother in regard to my children, because I did not know how to cope with the confusion. It was insane because some of the things my mom lacked, I was very aware of. So early on, I knew what needed to be included when I raised my own children. And yet, I was still doing the opposite once I became enmeshed in trying to figure out why my husband kept letting me down. All of my energy was focused on making him change. By telling him over and over and over and over again how that needed to happen. A grown man. So much energy was given to me yelling, screaming and cussing at him when he did something to screw me over. I smoked pot when the kids went to sleep to make the thoughts of wanting to leave him disappear. Because at the end of the day he was going to change. He’d shown me several times that he was capable of doing what a proper husband and father did. But what I was not grasping was how these behaviors never lasted very long. Because all of the behaviors were fake. A fantastic show by an even better actor. What I was not grasping was that HIS true self was NOT a proper husband and father. If only I’d “Googled” his behavior in the 2nd year as opposed to the 9th year.

It’s so hard not to think of how I could’ve handled things better. My therapist says that it isn’t my fault. That covert narcissists are the most deceptive and manipulative people that you can ever meet. So why does it still feel like it’s completely my fault? Why do I cry every time I think of all the gut feelings that I ignored that told me that this marriage wasn’t right? Why? Because my authentic self is damaged. PTSD. That’s why. That is what coming out of this marriage has taught me. That the real Rachel needs a humongous healing if she ever wants to have a happy and fulfilling life.

The true Rachel knows that if she’d continued down the path of confusion and chaos, her young children may grow up damaged as well. The true Rachel knows that she has to find the path to forgiving her mother and father so that her inner child can find her peace. The genuine Rachel knows that she was lying to herself. She knows that her ex was lying to her and that she was lying to herself. For so many years. And this Rachel knows that living a lie is one of the worst lives one can live. The true Rachel knows that she can no longer beat herself up. This constant guilt in her mind must be destroyed in order for her to grow. What I am absolutely certain of is that being authentic means owning up to your errors and then working to repair the things that can be repaired. I am learning that authenticity walks hand in hand with the knowledge that no human being can be in control of everything. Authenticity lies in the serenity prayer. I very recently learned the second part of this prayer and it makes me love it even more.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

forever in the next.

Amen.

Leaving my ex-husband was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. I stood up for myself for once. I stood up for myself without aggression. I did it because IT WAS THE BEST THING FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN! I was not concerned with what people would think this time. The authentic Rachel does her own thing. And her own thing is done with truth. Before, I would put on my own little show publicly. I would go along with my ex, making outsiders think we were the happiest couple, while I was crying 4 nights a week. There will be no more of that. My healing has begun. AND I MADE IT HAPPEN! Yes, I have undergone several trials in my life, but that does not mean I cannot evolve! My true self is sure of herself. My true self replaces her thoughts of self-doubt with thoughts of hope, positivity and determination. Most importantly, my true self knows that I, the woman I am today, am not defined by my childhood trauma, my past mistakes, other people’s opinions, nor my toxic relationships. My life feels like it is just starting. And that’s ok. My true self knows that every single being on this earth has an individual journey. And that this one is mine. There’s nowhere to go but up from here. I can now be bona fide Rachel. I smiled as I typed that. Then a single tear fell. My true self smiles more because I am free. I am now free to decide what is the best thing for me. My true self is a writer. My true self has goals. My true self reached her goal of writing this piece. My true self is proud...of herself.