Love or Friendship

This hurts. Knowing you like someone and never dreaming you'll have the courage to admit it for fear of losing their friendship. Each time you talk to them, whether it be face to face or through a text, you can't help but imagine what it'd be like to be with them. And you smile. But then that smile cracks as you realise that it's just a fantasy, that its never going to happen - or that the possibility that in it happening, then brings misfortune. So you try not to show it, try not be so clingy or so attentive that it become obvious. But you know you can't be the opposite, otherwise then they'll start asking questions, "How come you don't talk to me any more?" or, "Don't you care about me? Why don't you listen to me like you used to?". You have no choice to be in the middle, trying to find some balance between not too much or too little. Sometimes you want those feelings to go away, so you can go back to normal. But then you think, how can I want them to go away when even though I don't want to admit these feelings, ever, they can make me feel so good sometimes? It hurts, but it doesn't. You want the feelings to go, but you don't. The balance you try to find slips all over the place, making you wonder if it'll never grip and you'll just fall off one side or the other, and you'll possibly lose that friend forever.

All those thoughts race through my mind as I sit beside the bonfire, poking a stick into the flames, willing for it to catch alight so I can be distracted from what races through my mind. I hear laughter, and I have to use every ounce of power in my body to not look towards where it came from. Because that laughter comes from no one other than the very guy I like. I know he sits in the big blue tent we erected this morning, chatting away happily to the other camp mates as they play a game, oblivious to the thoughts I have of him. If I look at the tent now, I'll think more of him, and if I think more of him I'll want to be in there with him, and if I want to be in there with him, I'll want to sit next to him. That's something I definitely cannot do, whatsoever. How obvious would that look? So I continue to tease the fire, trying to find ways to occupy my mind with other thoughts.

"Hey, Isla, what're you doing out here all your own? I thought you'd want to play the game with us, since its your favourite an' all?", I look up to find George approaching the fire, a concerned look on his face. I can't automatically think what to say, so I shrug my shoulders and stumble through an excuse, "I..um..oh, thought it'd be a good idea to..to keep an eye on the fire.. since nobody else was". I continue poking the fire as George plops himself next to me. "Really? Well I suppose that's fair enough. Though I don't think it needs tending to very much, anymore", he responds with a questioning look at me. I blink a couple of times and realise that he's right. I'd been poking at a near dead fire. No wonder the stick wasn't catching. I mutter, "Oh, silly me. I must've got distracted", and chuck the stick away, feeling my cheeks redden as I do so. George chuckles, though when I look to him I don't see any hint of amusement on his face. He looks a bit forlorn. I sit there, thinking of what I might say next, when George interrupts my thoughts, "Is that really why you are out here? 'Cause I've noticed you've been a bit distant lately". I glance at George meekly, willing myself not to admit anything, not even a hint as to why I'm sitting here alone. I shrug, then decide to lie down, breathing in the heavy scent of the dewy grass as I do so. George gives me a questioning look then decides to do the same. There are a few moments of silence, nothing to be heard but the sound of our breathing, and a gentle breeze that rustles through the leaves of the oak tree that stands high above us. I feel like this is it already, that despite not admitting to anything, nor being too distant, our friendship has finally taken its toll. But George then sits up suddenly, blurting out, "Why won't you talk to me, Isla? Have I done something wrong? I've noticed since we've begun this camping trip that you'll talk to me, but not always. Only when you see fit. I don't know if I'm existing half the time I'm around you".

I gasp. I didn't expect that, I thought I was doing everything right. I thought that by still talking to him, but not as often, I'd never possibly be able to reveal my feelings accidentally. And we'd still be close friends. I guess I was wrong. And this is only the beginning of the holiday. I sit up, trying to find the words to explain myself, "George.. I..I..I thought this was the right thing to do. God, I want to talk to you all the time, so much, but.. I fear I can't". He gives me a quizzical look and I drop my head in shame. "What're you talking about, Isla? What do you mean? Why would it be the right thing to do? I don't understand", he questions. That's when panic sets in. 'Oh no! What am I going to do? Am I going to have to reveal the truth? Oh God, this is too much', I think to myself. I jump up and begin strolling back and forth, wracking my brain for a solution. Anything to get out of this and hope to save our friendship. I mumble to myself incoherently, trying to keep myself from glancing at George. But I do, and in that moment he doesn't hesitate. He springs up immediately and runs to me, grabbing both of my arms, bringing me to a halt. "Oh for God's sake, Isla, will you stop this! Just tell me already! Clearly there is something very wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be acting like this. I don't understand why, but I feel it involves me. Yet I don't really care about that, I just want to help", he exclaims, giving me an exasperated look. I give a jolt of surprise, and gaze at him. My eyes widen in shock as I watch him watching me, his breathing coming in deep gulps. I see the pain in his deep green eyes. Have I really been causing him that much anguish? As it becomes plain obvious that I have, I know then. I know then that I've got to admit it. I've got to tell him the truth about why I've been acting like this.

I take a deep breath as I remove his hands from my arms. I lead him to a log to sit on, an indication that I'm about to explain. I pace side to side as I begin, "Right. Um.. how do I start? Um..okay, the thing is". I trail off. In that moment I have a brilliant idea. 'I'll just admit it then run off!', I reason, 'surely he'll be too surprised to want to chase after me. He'll want to think it over by his self'. I discreetly nod in agreement with myself, and proceed, "I.. I like you, like you. Bye!", and run off at full speed. A few seconds go by and I think to myself, 'Yes! It worked. Either he doesn't want to know or he's pondering over what I just revealed!', I give a little squeal of delight. And then I trip up on a tree root and face plant the ground. I cough and splutter as I remove dirt from my mouth. I try to get up, laugh to myself, then decide I might as well just lay here, look at the sky, and think about how much better I feel in getting it off my chest. I close my eyes and breath in deeply.

"Well that was very entertaining", my eyes ping open to find George looking down at me, blocking my sky view. He looks happier already, the corners of his eyes are crinkling and he's grinning like a Cheshire cat. Is that all because of what I said? Or what happened after? I don't have much time to mull over it because George then yanks me up, trying to stifle a laugh all the while. I grimace as I wobble on my legs, noticing I've got a few scrapes on my knees and arms. I begin wiping myself down, getting rid of all the mud and grass that has managed to cling itself to me, "Thanks for helping me up. I felt sure I had died, then", I joke, barely managing a chuckle. George then crosses his arms and gives me a bewildered look, "You're welcome. Now, though that was highly amusing, would you like to explain to me why you ran off like that?". I gaze at the ground, scuffing my shoes against the tree root. I decide the way that I can explain it to him best, is if I'm not looking at him, so I turn around and glare at the tree that I blame for my demise (well, my almost demise). I sigh, "I'm sure you don't like me in that way. And for years I've liked you. I thought since I was going to have to admit it now, I would feel better afterwards if I ran off. That way I wouldn't have to see your reaction and I felt sure you wouldn't bother to go after me". I feel the weight of the hurt I feel bearing down on me, and my shoulders begin to droop.

A hand appears gently on my shoulder and I look around to see George gazing at me with a small smile, I look away quickly. I don't know if I can bare to see his handsome face. "And not for one second as you were running did you think I liked you back?", he utters. There's a second of quiet. Then my head whips round as I realise what he has just said. I look at him in awe, my mouth hanging open as I try to string words together, "Wh..wha..what did you..you just say? You..yy..you like me?". He raises an eyebrow and smirks, before nodding his head. "Impossible", I whisper, "Completely impossible". I try blinking and pinching myself a couple of times, but nope, it is definitely not a dream. George barks with laughter as he drops his hand off my shoulder, "Why is it impossible that I should like you? You should be glad. As am I that you like me". I place my hands either side of my head and try to comprehend what has just happened. He likes me! All these years of worrying and hating myself and he likes me! All this time I felt sure he had no feelings toward me whatsoever, and that if I revealed anything our friendship would be dust. But we're still here. He's still talking to me. And he likes me back!

"Heeeeelllooo? Earth to Isla, George calling", he waves his hand across my line of vision, bringing me to my senses. I shake my head. "Oh, sorry. I just.. I just can't comprehend it. It doesn't feel real. All this time I thought I'd be ruining this friendship if I said anything. And all along you liked me, too? I am happy, I really am. I'm just surprised too, that's all". George gazes at me with a loving smile then grabs me into a massive bear-like hug. "God, you don't know how long I've wanted this. To be able to tell you the truth, too. To hug you like this and never let go", there's am minor pause. "But, never did I feel I should talk to you less! I couldn't dream of doing that. How did you even manage that?", he says as he looks down at me, nestled in his arms. I glance at him guiltily, "Oh, George! I'm so sorry for that. It was hurting me to do that, but I know now that it was hurting you as well, if not more. I felt sure that way I could hide my feelings better and we'd still be good friends. But I made matters worse". I finger his t-shirt, feeling the guilt course through my body. I feel him take a deep inward breath before releasing slowly. Then a finger appears beneath my chin, pulling my face to look upward toward him. George speaks softly, "It hurt, yes. But I accept your apology, I understand, now. It can't of been easy to do that. Nobody really knows how to act in situations like this, everyone has a different way of dealing with things. But.. maybe don't react like that in future. Some people might not be as understanding as I was". I smile meekly, praising him for being so kind, "You're right. I promise, I won't. This was a learning curve for me. Thank you for being so understanding, I felt sure you wouldn't have forgiven me so easily". George laughs a little, "This is the start of something that may become a lot bigger, I don't want it to be a lot more trouble than this before its even really begun. And if its any consolation, I don't believe it made matters worse, at least in the end. We're both happy now, aren't we? We got what we wanted".

I nod, "Each other".

It can be really hard to be in a situation like this. Trust me, I know, I've been through it, too. But I hope with this story, some of you who might be going through this, it will encourage you to find a way to tell that person that you like/love, that you they like/love them. Even if things don't end up the way you wanted, and they might not be you friend anymore, know that you have others around you to support you. And you can find a way to move on. Trust me, its better than holding the feelings in, never to find out whether they liked you too. And always feeling crappy about it. You may lose a friendship, but the pain will go away. If you hold the feelings in, the pain will always be there.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you enjoyed it. Any feedback is greatly appreciated (as are any donations if you are happy to do so). Either way, happy reading!