Love Given and Love Received

It was crazy to think that way. Everyone deserves love. You get what you put into it. I believe I have experienced enough trauma and pain to really know how to love and understand a person. How to respect and appreciate their individuality. Life is a process you have to take it step by step. If every step you take is wonderful and holds some magic then that is what your life will be.

I remember when a friend of mine had one of her friends over to my house. I was paying no attention to her attempts at setting me up with him. However he knew the plan the whole time. I was so rude when he was at my house. I continued on with what I was working on at the time. Screening in my front porch. Which by the way was one of the ways I would go on ignoring the real problems in my life. Staying busy doing things that made me feel more independent. For all I knew he was in her company. I refused their invitation to go to the casino. They came back to my house very late. I was already asleep but was surprised to see them still there when I woke up the next morning. Then my friend informs me she is running with my roommate to drop off a four-wheeler to her son. I suddenly got nervous as I asked her what was I supposed to do with her sleeping guest? "Let him sleep." she said. I did, but I was very aware of his presence the whole morning. When he finally woke up he politely left but also got my number first. It did not take him long to use it either. I did not think much about the calls and efforts he made to try and see me again or stop by my house. I did not think much of him at all.

Finally I gave in to one of his phone calls and decided to let him come over for dinner. It was surprisingly nice. We had a few drinks and it was getting late. We went into my room to listen to music and relax. Now I am not the type of girl that gives it up. Especially to someone I don't even know. My last relationship was toxic and he was the only person I had sex with in 8 years. I had convinced myself I didn't even know how to sleep with another man. I was so comfortable with my ex and the sex was so good I knew I would never connect with another man on that level.

Boy, was I wrong about so many things? First of all I acted like a slut that night. I don't think he even had to try to get in my pants because I already had them off. (this is completely out of character for me) I was also wrong about being able to connect and have good sex with another man. It was amazing. So here I am where I had tried so hard not to be. At the mercy of a man. A man that I have great sex with. He is new and exciting and fun. And a potential heartbreak. Something I did not have room for in my life at all.

The more thought I put into it the less I worried about my heart breaking and the more I worried about missing opportunities to love and be loved. So I decided to throw caution to the wind and give it my all. I wanted to see the magic in my life, to feel the wonder of it and acknowledge every second of it. A couple of new ground rules for myself to try and just be a loving person.

1. Don't try to solve the day's problems all at once.

2. Don't make love to a body. Make love to a person with all the passion you have and do it now.

3. Don’t talk at your children. Put their face in your hands and talk to them.

4. Don’t look over other people's shoulders. Look into their eyes.

5. Understand that a single moment does not last forever. It is fast disappearing and it will never come again.

Most of us spend our time crying over departed moments. It is too late, but you still have a million more to come.

You never know. You never know what life will bring you. It is an enigma and the only thing we know that we have for sure is what is right here right now.Don’t miss out on it if you use it up, your loving. Food for thought that I wish more people would think about daily. It would certainly put their lives into perspective. I want to start with small but compelling promises to myself every day if I don’t keep mind in them. I am the only one that loses.

Take it easy. You can be the perfect person tomorrow. Or maybe next week……

Each day I promise myself not to try to solve all of my life problems at once. I don’t expect you to either.

I will try to learn something new about myself and about you. About the world I live in. In hopes that I can experience everything as if they were just invented.

You're never the same person. After today you will be different and after that still different from before. And in the morning after you have breakfast you will then also be different. Even if it is just fatter.

Everyday I want to remind myself to reach out and touch you with my hands. To feel you. Because I don’t want to miss feeling you. I will try to be more of a lover and see what that brings me, and you.

There is a lot of ugly things in the world. There is a lot of beauty also. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Don’t forget to smell the flowers. Or lay on your back and make pictures out of the clouds. Listen to the birds. Pay attention to the children. I will share these things with whoever I am with. I will say, “look at that sunset.” I will strive to be more aware of all the beautiful things in our world.

I will remember to communicate my happiness and my despair so that we can know each other better and our relationship will grow. I will remind myself to really listen to you and try to see your point of view. I will try to find the least threatening way of trying to get you to see mine. I will remember that we both are growing and changing in a hundred different ways. I will remind myself that I am a human being and I will not demand perfection from you until I am perfect.

I look at the man that once was just a guy at my house. I am so thankful he came into my life and was everything I needed him to be for me to get over my hurdles of guarding my heart and not allowing anyone to love me. I am in awe every time I look at him. He is pure perfection to me. I strive to be the same for him. Most of all I have tried really hard to understand and appreciate love. Love given and love received. Thank you J.C.