Love Bomb

Love is a scary feeling. Love comes without warning. Love will seek the emotions deep within you that you have hid in your unconscious mind for the longest. The emotions that you are most afraid of. The emotions that caused you pain in the past. You didn't want them out ever again. But love dug deep into your soul and dragged them to the front. Now here you are. Feeling the emotions you thought you would never feel again. You feel a certain kind of bliss around your lover that you have never felt with anyone else. You feel lonely when they aren't around. You feel anxious when they say something wrong. But at the end of the day, you have a safe space. For the first time, you feel at home when your lover is around you. You feel like someone for the first time has accepted you for everything that you are.

You put down your guard. You let all of the emotions you had bottled inside of you right out into the front lines. You let them see who you really are.

Then the next night is not the same. You left your heart with them, but your lover has closed theirs off. They put theirs away. They cannot handle what you have given to them. Their heart is too fragile to handle yours.

The night after you spend alone. You wonder what you did wrong. You wonder if you did enough. You blame this on yourself. But it wasn't your fault

Your heart is now fragile. All of the emotions you had once hid from the world are now spilling out. Your heart is fragile. You don't know how to once again bury everything you are feeling. You don't want to. You wanted this time to be right. But you were wrong.

Your lover had caused you to put your heart out there. They thought it felt right. They thought that they could let you in. They tried so hard to get you to open up. But when you finally did, they became scared. They took everything back. They threw their love at you like a bomb. And there you were, feeling the instant destruction. Your world changed. You had so many broken pieces to pick up. But now you have no help. They left you. Alone. And now you must try and clean up yourself.

You don't want to admit it. You don't want this to be your reality. But you must face the truth. This was no real love.

This was a love bomb.

A love bomb is a regular occurrence in this world.

Some do not understand why this happens to them. A girl will say he lied to get her to spread her legs. He told her she was special. She was beautiful. She was deep. She was perfect.

Then once he got what he wanted. He left.

A guy will say she was a slut. She wanted attention. She was looking for a place to stay. She was using him for money. She was lonely and desperate.

Didn't expect me to say that?

You have to understand both genders in this situation.

Male, female, non-binary, we are all connected.

We are all just human.

...

Maybe they have been hurt. Maybe they are too busy for anything real. Maybe their heart belongs somewhere else. But they have all this love built up inside of them with no one to give it to. And they need someone to feel it and appreciate it. For their sake.

There is no devil. There is just human. Humans make mistakes. Humans protect themselves. It's our nature.

I have been loved bombed on multiple occasions as well. But I do not hold grudges on these boys.

I'm sure that I've done it myself once or twice in my life.

Wouldn't put it past me.

Each time it happens I remind myself to put his life into consideration. Look at what I have done in the past. Remember why I did that. Remember who he really is. And remember to give him time to come around. He must find himself.

You have been hurt. You have been hurt so badly it feels like your mind is about to explode. Your chest aches so much and it feels like a monster is pushing your heart down into your bed. So heavy it hurts. Your mind is racing. Your head feels heavy. Your eyes are dry. You've already cried as much as you can tonight.

You drink to ease the pain. It doesn't go away. It feels more vocal even. You keep overthinking everything you did. You think that you weren't enough for her. You could've spent more time with her. Could've bought her a better Christmas present. Listened to her more. When in reality you did everything the best you could.

The room starts spinning. You can vaguely hear Dear John playing on your 80-inch wall mounted television. All you can do right now is to try and feel his pain. John understands what your going through. His lover had left him out of the blue as well, and there was nothing he could do about it. While he was away, she fell into the arms of another man. That wasn't his fault, but he blamed himself for it. He hurt just like you are hurting now. But in the end he gets his love back. But you won't. She wasn't your true love, yet you gave her everything you could. You invested everything you could into her for as long as you can remember. You saved three months worth of paychecks and went to Kay's Jewelers to buy her the biggest ring she will probably ever see in her life. And you hate yourself for it. She betrayed your trust. She got in bed with another man while she wore your precious ring. She felt no remorse as she looked at the diamond filled with you and put her lips on another. And now, you grab it from your cup holder attached to your expensive leather bed frame. Your hands shake as you bring the small circle into your vision. You extend your arm in front of your face, and there it is. A small, perfect circle. A diamond the size of my pinkie thumbnail.

You should be very proud of yourself for being able to buy something so expensive at such a young age.

But then the anger kicks in. The lies, the fighting, the hate, it starts in your hips, then you feel it coming to your chest, then to your mind. You're whole body shakes with the feeling that you have royally screwed up. You feel so stupid. You launch it into the hallway and the perfect ring smacks the wall, makes a small bang and hits the ground, almost no sound. Your eyes manage to let loose just one small tear. Trying to let go the stress of watching five years worth of love, compassion, trust, passion, fall to the carpet.

Kitty was a few feet from where it landed. She turns her head, curiously looks at the shiny object on the carpet. Then she runs away.

I wish she could see how well you take care of Kitty. She wouldn't let you get a cat for years because she thought you couldn't take care of one. She thought you were irresponsible. But you proved her wrong. I'm so proud of you.

You imagine her still here with you. In the bathroom getting ready for school. She stares at herself in the mirror. Puts the top half of her hair in a ponytail and keeps the rest down. You lay in bed watching 50 First Dates. But you are more intrigued with watching her. You feel for her what Henry felt for Lucy. You would sacrifice your life for her. She walks into the bedroom to grab her phone. She's wearing the LuLu Lemon leggings you bought her. You loved the way she looked in them. She looks at you, smiles, gives you a pec on the lips. You tell her you love her. She said she loves you, too. Those were the days. She would be back in your home at night. She would make you eggs in the morning, in nothing but your old Playboy t-shirt. And at night you would turn your head and see her next to you. In her sweats. Peacefully asleep. Head resting on the memory foam pillow with the red pillow case. She looked so innocent. You thought she wanted nothing but to start a life with you. But you were wrong.

Now when you turn your head you see no one. You see the red pillow she used to sleep on. She's gone. 20 fireball shooters in and you still aren't drunk enough to hallucinate that she is there.

You think that this is what you get for loving someone. You tell yourself that you will never fall in love again. But you had a weak moment, didn't you?

You had me over for 6 days. You welcomed me into your place. You watched the movies that you and her used to watch. You told me you would buy me the kind of leggings that you once bought her. We drank the same kind of drinks you once drank together. You let me wear that old Playboy t-shirt she once wore. We made love the same way you guys used to. And you held me close like you used to hold her until you fell asleep. Then I would turn to the other side of the bed and slept where she used to sleep. My head would face the end of your bed. I would stare at the glass table with our pill bottles on the table. She always made fun of you for taking them, but I told you that I was proud of you for taking ADHD meds. And I would doze off in peace. I had trust in you. I felt safe with you. I felt at home with you. And I hope that when you woke up in the middle of the night, you would turn your head and see me. And pretend that I was her. And I hope it gave you comfort.

I am not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. I would have done the same thing. You don't want to feel hurt. You don't want to feel alone. You want to have that love back in your life. So you did what any normal person does in a vulnerable time. You took me home, told me I was beautiful. You showed me your car repair shop. You told me stories of your life. You showed me a connection.

Though I was stupid to fall for you, I was still somewhat careful. I couldn't let myself fully open up to you. I was vague when I told you about myself. I didn't want you to see the real me. You would have left me in the dust either way.

Even if you had wanted it, I could not commit to you. I don't know who I am, what I like, I don't know what I want. What you see is what I see. My green eyes with the spot of brown in the corner. You told me they were different but they were beautiful. And I would smile at you. And you would tell me that I have the most perfect teeth you have ever seen in your life. But little do you know that my teeth are far from perfect. Throughout my life I have gotten so much work done on my teeth. I was born with them straight and perfect. But during the years I drank too much, hit too many vapes and kept forgetting to brush them. They eventually decayed. What you see in my smile are dental implants and cavity fills on almost every tooth. They seem perfect but they are fake, and it isn't their fault.

That is who I am. Perfect on the outside, but inside I have decayed. Too many drugs, too little self-care. Too many heartaches to stay straight. The last thing you want in your life right now is a self-destructive personality.

That is why I put no burden on you. When you say hurtful things to me I do not tell you I am mad. I cannot show you I am hurt. I want you to build your self-esteem to the highest point. It's what you deserve.

I hope you get there, my love. I'm rooting for you.

But unfortunately I can no longer help you.

I cannot erase your pain. I cannot watch you stumble into a bar and order five more shots. I cannot be someone you only want around to feel less alone. I must let you help yourself.

It's the best thing I can do for you.

I hope one day you will come back to me, my love. Because I have never felt so at home with anyone else before.

I will miss you every day.

But I cannot let you watch me pick up the pieces of me that you destroyed. I cannot let you feel any burden over me. I must bury my emotions myself. I cannot let you watch.

Heal peacefully, my love. I wish you so much bliss.