Love At Face Value Pt.1

The hardest thing to learn about in a broken relationship is that you were never loved in the first place.

You were maybe cared about but never genuinely loved.

Or you were never cared about and just used.

You begin to realize this when you go back into your thoughts and remember the times when your relationship has gone through trials.

Through those times that person would run away or blame you instead of facing the issues with you.

They failed to take responsibility over their own actions that might have hurt you or affected you.

They never once apologized for those mistakes or even tried to talk about their issues to form a plan to improve on themselves.

Instead of apologizing they would manipulate you, into pitying them, and would make you think of only their feelings. Then would try to make you think it was somehow your fault, even though it wasn’t.

Through their actions they never once cared about you, or how you felt, and how their actions affected you.

Even though you wanted to believe that this person would love you because once before they seemed like it.

Once before they made you feel special and they seemed loving and caring through their charms and words.

Those sweet lovable words of dreams of a good relationship you could’ve or would’ve had, but never did because somehow your at fault for not being good enough.

You weren’t good enough as a person no matter how hard you tried in the relationship.

You weren’t good enough to earn those dreams or to earn their kindness.

Those sweet broken promises were just horrible lies.

Nothing comes out of sweet broken promises because, you begin realizing that actions speak louder than words.

At that moment you will realize you were always good enough, it’s just you were never appreciated. You were never valued.

It wasn't you that was the problem it was them. They failed to work with you and they failed to listen to you.

They not alone failed as a partner but brought you down as person and abused you, to make themselves feel superior over you. To trap you into their own twisted sickness that they needed to work out themselves.

A relationship is supposed to be an equal. To be full of love and understanding. To be building each other up and work together on each others weaknesses.

This person would taunt you for having mistakes and would use those weaknesses against you.

This person would have a sense of importance and would always continually tell you that you cannot live without them.

They would ensure to brainwash you that lie through out the whole relationship.

Sometimes they would even take it a step further by telling you, you will never be good enough for anyone else. That you are not worthy of finding your own happiness.

They would try to give you the fear to never leave them, because they know deep inside they deserve to be alone for the way they are.

I'm going to let you right now, that the reason why they are that way is because of their own pride of not admitting they need help.

But you are not doctor or a phycologist or a therapist and even if you are you can't help them in your state of mind. You need healing yourself. They need to be ALONE to realize they need help.

You cannot fix them only God can, and you are not God.

Finally if you are in a relationship with this type of person and if don't leave them...

You can kiss good bye your own self esteem, your sense of self, and your self worth as a human being.

You also will continually be poisoned mentally and emotionally. Not only you but your children as well if you have them.

The moment when you realize this, it is the end of the fairy tale that was in your head.

It is the end of the excuses for that other person.

It is the end of the lies because you are strong enough to live without them.

It is the end of you blaming yourself for someone else’s mistakes.

It is the end of your misery.

It is the end of the feeling of falling short of a good relationship.

It is the end of you seeing that imaginative duo and you see that you were dancing alone in the relationship all along.

It is the end of your captivity but your freedom.

It is your well deserved freedom mentally and emotionally.

It would be the beginning of your own healthy happiness.

I guess I’m writing this to show you to not repeat my past mistakes or my mom's past mistakes cause I'm writing part of her story here as well.

If you did, well it’s okay because we are alive and well!

We can always get up and try again at life and love. We will get through this because you are not alone!

It's not the end of the world even though at the moment you might feel like it but that feeling will soon pass with some time and healing.

That's with the old saying "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger!"

I made the mistake of trying to find my self-value and love in someone else because I didn’t value myself as a person, and I was a little confused on what love was.

I thought love was a bargain you do good and give your all to someone and then they will love you.

I thought if that person would say jump off a cliff and if I did that, it meant love.

I thought love was a game of rushing feelings and if I pushed and that person pulled that meant love.

Then I thought love was a chase, give your all until you catch it in your hands and then it should stay in your hands because you worked hard for the chase.

I thought love was sex if you were physically intimate and passionate with some one that meant love.

I thought love was to stay with some one that didn't seek help and stay till the bitter end regardless if that person hurt me mentally and physically. That meant love.

I guess I was a little confused because I was never shown honest love when I was child. (Warning: All the examples above is NOT love, so if you are in that kind of relationship, sorry to break it to you but you NEED to find better.)

Lonely and abused from a young age, the drama I saw on T.V. and the music I heard on the radio affected my judgment on what I thought love was.

My first example of a perfect twisted relationship was with my mom and my psychopathic, manipulative, abusive, and self-centered stepdad.

Even though my poor mom saw the red flags early on she was blind sited by the dream of love, trying to find love and a father for her three fatherless children.

Honestly, I couldn’t blame her, she didn’t plan on marrying an asshole.

She just saw the good qualities in him and his pretend kind gestures to hide his evil nature already built in him from childhood trauma.

The problem with having dreams when your young especially with love; is that you want it as soon as possible.

So, you tend to try to settle down when you see the red flags and then try to change that individual into the right standards that they should’ve had to begin with.

Or you try to change them back into the person they seemed to be when you first went out with them. (Warning: That is what you call a facade, so that person they showed at first was not really them)

You try to dream in your head the best of them or a figment persona of them that they tried to sell you in the beginning.

Its like buying counterfeit gold and I think that's why the saying goes "Not everything that shines is gold."

The problem with this is that they’ll never change for you or the relationship they're in and you are N-O-T God to change them.

They must want the change themselves! They cannot do that unless they admit they have issues and work towards solutions for themselves.

If they feel comfortable being selfish, self-centered, and only think of their own feelings, what makes you think they’ll be good in a relationship?

If they sold themselves the lie of their own perfect charming facade that they used on you to get you to be with them in the first place. What makes you think they’ll be good in a relationship!?

They only see their own goals and desires, they D-O N-O-T care for you and will toss you aside once your usefulness is over to them. Or keep you as a play thing for their amusement. Or lastly keep you trapped in their twisted relationship because they don't want to be alone.

Now there’s plenty of different scenarios when it comes to meeting Narcissistic people.

STOP!! New Vocabulary Word! (Word: Narcissism)

For those of your who don't know what narcissistic people are. They are more than just selfish.

We as human beings all have some sense of selfishness its nature but we also have some sort of empathy and consciousness to combat that.

These people don't and they take selfishness to a whole another level.

They take the noble prize for having a whole new study in science just for them, its called the study of narcissistic personality disorder.

Now by definition Narcissism in the study of psychology means "Selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type."

There's different types though. The ones that I've seen so far in my life I will describe below.

You have the plain and simple run in the mill narcissistic jerk off that you can spot a mile away. This person has no mask and show who they truly are from the moment you meet them. They will not put up a front on showing how selfish they are.

This one is really easy to avoid its the second one that I'm going to describe is the hardest to stay away from. And its the scariest one out of all of them.

Then you have the second one which preys on dreamy, naïve, and ignorant young people that want true love and to be cared for because they feel lonely and empty.

I used to be one of them, inexperienced, and living on cloud 9 for true love.

This type of narcissism is the one that is able to put a facade not only for you but for everyone around them, while hiding their true selves. They can do it so well cause they've done it for a very long time.

They can go on for years putting on this facade that's why its the scariest kind of Narcissism.

When you first meet them they can give the world and put this front while hiding skeletons in their closet and while your dating you don't see any red flags you just see happiness. Even while being years of married to this person you won't see the red flags.

But there will be moments that the mask this person has will fall off because they can't put up the facade all the time.

For example there will be a moment when things don't go their way and they will give you an outburst of anger but not normal anger. This type of anger can be close to rage.

They will not talk to you, they will make you feel guilty, and they will even hurt you for something so small. Something that shouldn't deserve this type of rage that they have.

You can't reason with this person or meet in the middle or even have a normal conversation until their way has been met.

And you as a caring person would take the blame and would try to cater to their desires because you just want the good caring person you first met.

That's the start of losing yourself.

As a reminder, in a true relationship you all make compromises and you should equally give and take. Considered each others desires, dreams, and wants. You should both be understanding of mistakes, faults, and short comings. Plan to take each others feelings in consideration and then meet in the middle. Take responsibility for each others mistakes and both seek help to better each other.

Another example of a this type of person, they can do all types of abuse weather it may be physical or sexual abuse and they cannot feel a shred of remorse for their actions. That might be the extremes of Narcissism but sadly I got to know this type of narcissism when I was a child.

The problem with this individual is that they can't understand or feel empathy for you or your feelings.

They can't see you as a person.

They don't see you as the same as them.

They are only able to see themselves at the center of the universe and their own desires.

They won't admit that they are wrong and they feel that they are perfect.

And if they are imperfect it is your fault or everything or everyone else in their lives is at fault but theirs.

They cannot bear responsibility for their actions.

My advice for people who feel at fault for this type of person who ever they may be in your life. DON'T! You are NOT at fault for their mistakes or sins.

God didn't put you on this earth to persecute yourself especially if its someone else's mistakes.

The tragedy that they left in your life or children's lives isn't your fault especially if you tried to be the better person. Your job after leaving this type of person behind is just to heal.

Have God heal the wounds that are left in your heart and mind not only for you but for your children as well if you have them. Ask God to give you the strength to move pass this to your new bright future.