Love and Pain

In a lifetime, you will experience a lot of heartache but you will also experience a lot of good times. Loving times. It's a new year which means a lot of people are trying to be better than they were last year. I'm so happy about that! Don't give up on that. I'm doing the exact same. I started a diet and exercising more after a major break up. I'm gonna be all over the place so just stay with me. Okay? Never have I ever had a girl make me so vulnerable like this one did. Her name was Morgan. She literally came out of nowhere and at a really dark time in my life. We started out just friends and just toking up together all the time. It took 3 or so months before we had any sort of relations with each other. Within this 3 months I caught myself texting her all of the time, visiting her at work, and surprising her with her favorite candies/food. I literally started falling for her so much. It was crazy! I never have felt like that in the 21 years I have been living. Well, we finally began a relationship with each other and we were spending every waking moment to each other and never stopped talking even throughout the day. It was an amazing feeling to be loved like I was.

6 months in, she cheated on me and lied to my face about it. I should have ended it right then. I couldn't though. There was something about her that really just had a hold of me. It was like the universe was telling me to work it out. So I did. We went to Nebraska to visit my family and my mother. This was literally the first time I've ever had a girlfriend meet my mom. My mother was never in the picture while I was growing up so this was quite the accomplishment. Anyways, I found some stuff on her phone that would also be considered cheating but it wasn't a physical act so I let it go. Most people would've given up by now but not me. Well, sometime about a year into our relationship the thoughts of these things she did to me started getting to me and I ended up cheating on her for "revenge" when in the end it just made me feel worse about the whole situation. By this point we had our own house together and a little dog family. We were on our way back from an aquarium and I ended up just telling her flat out what had happened. It was a huge mistake and we ended up working through it. Well, that was the only time I physically cheated. Fast forward a bit into the relationship, I had girls constantly texting me and I tried to stop with the talks of betrayal, in which I never acted upon, just talked about. I couldn't do that again but what I didn't realize was that I already was betraying my love. It was killing her on the inside and I was so caught up in the thoughts of her cheating on me that it didn't even register.

We grew apart after her finding these messages 3 times or so. We were together for 2.5 years and honestly, it was the best time of my life being with her. Some would call me a piece of crap for doing what I did and you know, I was. I wasn't growing at all. I was feeding my ego instead of feeding my soul. I made excuse after excuse, I lied, and it made her feel crazy and killed the love she had for me. So back to the title. See, the universe brought us back together for a specific reason. To awaken each other again like we did on our lives before this one. Her and I, we are made for each other. Our souls will forever be connected cause of the love we share. She might say she hates me and wants to never see me again, but my gut tells me otherwise. She's hurt and destroyed by what happened and I don't blame her for being mean and hating me. It sucks I can't see our dog but in order for me to be the man for her I had to step away for a bit. It's been almost 4 months since she ended things and the progress I've made since it happened has been phenomenal. I needed this. Without her doing this, I wouldn't have ever changed or even seen where I was messing up with her and myself. She wanted to start over before and I was too insecure to even let that happen. I'm ready for a reset. I'm ready to be the man she needed me to be. I doubt she will ever see this but if she does I want her to know how much I love her and how much I appreciate her doing this for herself. She needed it more than I did. The space seems so imaginary cause of the love I have for her and I want her to be happy. None of what she did has been for me, it's been for her and I admire that. She said a few weeks ago that when she was with me, she lost herself but I really think she has found herself now that it's over and so have I. I want to try again. This time things will be different. I want to give her passwords so she can trust me again. I want to show her how much change has happened since that fateful day. Morgan, if you ever read this, I love you baby. Forever and always. We will figure this out we always do. When you're ready to talk, I'll be here. I've moved on from being who I was before. Take your time. I don't want anyone else but you and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. Whatever you want, I'll provide this time around. Just let's talk this through.

We as humans have spirits of love. We're not supposed to hate, feed our egos, lie, and just be negative. We supposed to be positive, loving individuals. And that's exactly what you should be for this new year. Drink more water. Be happy for the small things. Do something that makes you laugh and feel like you're on top of the world. Love with every fiber of your being. Don't be afraid!

This concludes my story that got off topic a few times. If you have someone, make sure they know you love them. Don't let them go. Don't mess it up like I did. I'm sending my thoughts to the universe in hopes of her hearing them and I hope one day she realizes how much I really do love her.