Lost and Found

Grief is a funny old thing. There is no rule book in existence on how and when it presents but, as she sat rubbing the curves of the exquisite emerald stone on her slender finger, something from deep within her gut hurt severely like pain she had never felt before. It came on so suddenly that it took her breath away and consumed all of her like an attacker had pounced stabbing her through her solar plexus. Physically she felt it, but she wasn’t physically hurt - at least not visibly. Emotionally she was drowning in it and then the tears followed suit flowing endlessly like a broken and worn tap relentlessly dripping. She struggled to breathe and buckled under the heaviness of all that had collected over the last few weeks.

All the heartache she had suppressed distracting herself by putting all her focus into organising the funeral. The pain she had suppressed when she stood up and gave a speech about her beloved Grandma with everyone complimenting her on how strong she was. If only they had known or sensed the imminent volcano bubbling up inside her, its lava laced lavishly with her masked anguish. She had concealed it with copious amounts of red wine to prevent it erupting as she knew that once it flowed, she wouldn’t be able to function. It was her coping mechanism and what enabled her to get through as she had to stay strong and do her grandma proud – after all she was her only family.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been on the floor like this curled up in a foetal position but felt crippled as she released the pent-up pain of the volcano of which she had lost all control of. Eyes red raw, she managed to move finally and made her way to the kitchen to her saviour. She poured a large glass and downed it in a bid to numb herself once again but to no avail.

She was Millie Douglas, granddaughter of the wise and wonderful Carrie Douglas – a legend within this small and insula town. Well thought of and a friend to many, Carrie was one in a million with a huge, generous heart and a wise mind. She was everything to Millie and that was no exaggeration as Millie had sadly lost her parents in a horrific car accident over a decade ago. They didn’t make them like Carrie Douglas anymore and the standing room only in the church was evidence of that. Carrie radiating positivity and warmth had a gift of illuminating even the darkest of times and that she did for her many friends. As a grandma she was perfect in every way providing much needed security, happiness, and unconditional love for Millie. She taught Millie so much from how to bake to how to remember to be grateful for every living moment no matter what life threw her way. Her deliciously delightful homemade scones were the talk of the town and always in high demand.

She was a short and pleasantly plump lady who had aged well like a fine vintage wine. When she embraced Millie in her arms it felt like being encased within an angel’s shielding, comforting and heavenly wings of love. Millie always felt better after a hug with her grandma as the warmth of her reassuring embrace enveloped her instantly, relaxing every inch of her entire being. Millie reminisced realising that she had never seen her grandma without a smile enlightening her face. She was love, she radiated love and led with love for everyone wherever she went.

One of Grandma Carrie’s favourite loves was her spirituality. She loved to get the tarots out and had an impressive array of beautiful crystals which she said helped her connect to the divine. She would sage the house regularly chanting about banishing all negative entities and loved to involve Millie with full moon preparations, always insisting that Millie wrote her manifestation and release lists. They used to sit out in the garden under the luminous light of the magic moon and burn their release lists letting go of all that no longer served them. When Millie was younger, she used to think that maybe her grandma was slightly cuckoo with all of her woo ways, but as she got older, she couldn’t quite explain logically how she seemed to be able to manifest whatever she wanted no matter how small. Like the time when she said she needed a heat lamp for her newborn chicks. She popped down to the shop to get some milk and came back with a 2 pinter and a heat lamp! She had started talking to someone in the queue and mentioned about the lamp and this person just so happened to have a spare one that she subsequently gave her! Not to mention how she just had this sure-fire way of knowing what Millie had been doing and how she was feeling without a word being exchanged! Millie wasn’t fully a believer, but she wasn’t a non-believer either so just stayed sat on the fence. In fact, if she was honest with herself, something about fully committing to the belief scared her. It would mean believing in life after death and ultimately that her parents souls lived on. The problem with that was, if true, then why hadn’t they contacted her or left any signs? Unless they had and she had dismissed it or been too busy to look for them. Either way, on the fence she stayed, avoiding going down that particular rabbit hole.

Millie lay on her bed overthinking, crying, and journaling until the wine finally won and she drifted off into a deep sleep. But not long after she woke abruptly from her slumber. In the darkness, disorientated, struggling to breathe, her racing heart amplified in her chest. Gasping for air desperately, she clung to her chest, the gasps short and sharp. Realising she was having a panic attack; she tried to erase the images of the nightmare and focus on her breath.

“Alexa, play my calming playlist”

“Calming playlist playing now” Alexa responded.

Focussing on the meditative music, after a few tracks, she gradually managed to slow her breathing down just like she had been taught by her therapist. The trigger the nightmare that she had had once again but this was worse than before because her grandma was there in the car with her parents. Millie was watching the car sink into the river paralysed and unable able to save them, screaming helplessly but no sound coming out.

Millie sat at her dressing table looking back at whoever that was looking back at her. She was a hot mess, almost unrecognisable even to herself. Her auburn hair rebelled in all directions, her eyes, although normally dark brown, looked black, sunken in and lacking vitality. Grief was taking its toll on her slowly with lack of sleep due to her reoccurring nightmare and feeling emotionally exhausted. She scraped her hair back into a bun revealing the thinness of her face. She washed her face and freshened up applying some much-needed foundation to conceal all and make her look human, yet she still felt awful inside but then no amount of make-up could possibly eradicate the grief she was feeling. They say that time is a healer but at this stage she couldn’t even imagine not feeling completely torn at losing the last remaining and precious part of her life. Only time would tell.

She needed to get out of this house as she hadn’t stepped outside other than for the funeral for weeks. Everything about the house reminded her of her dear Grandma and memories of where they had lived together for a deliriously happy decade existed in every corner. She could easily have gone back to bed with how she was feeling but pushed herself to get ready. She decided she would go for a long walk away from everyone and everything in the hope that the magic of Mother Nature would hold her in her arms and ease her pain. Before she could talk herself out of it, she quickly packed a small rucksack, grabbed her keys, and kept walking towards the inviting beauty of the picturesque meadow that lay to the left of her grandma’s house. It was a pleasant day for February, the sun was shining albeit a tad nippy, but she was thankful that it was at least dry. She climbed over the wall into the meadow and stopped to take a grateful breath of fresh air deep into her lungs and exhaled slowly and meaningfully. She instantly felt lighter and knew she just needed to get far away from home for a while and recharge her fractured soul.

As the assortment of bright gold and fresh green fields and dark dense woods lay ahead of her, she thought how grateful she was to live amongst such spectacular, serene countryside – something she took for granted. As she approached the rows of bramble bushes, she stopped for a moment visualising how her and Grandma had come here often collecting brambles to make a delicious crumble. She decided there and then that she would collect some on another day to make one on her own in honour of her grandma. Although she knew fine well that it wouldn’t be as tasty as only Grandmas seem have that special touch when it comes to home baking, and hers certainly did.

She stopped for a drink as she’d been walking for over an hour by now. She knew the area well thankfully as she had had many a walk through these fields over the years. She had, however, never been into the woods past the old farmhouse at the bottom of the hill. She was curious and decided that today was time to have a little adventure as she was immersed in the healing effect this walk was having on her already. At the entrance of the woods, the tall trees towered above her making her feel as tiny as a water droplet in comparison, all huddled together like a giant rugby scrum. Anticipation of what lay ahead felt refreshing and just what she needed to escape not only from the confines of her home but to get out of her own head. The further she ventured into the woods, she more she appreciated the peace within. She stopped for a moment, in the present and listened - she could only hear the rustle of the tree’s leaves activated by the breeze and the melodic tune of the birds sounded like it was being transmitted via a surround sound system. No cars, no pollution, just her and her mind which felt rejuvenated. She strolled slowly and mindfully, appreciating every inch of the splendour and exquisiteness of Mother Nature’s glorious gifts. Leaves of various colours and shapes, thick and thin trees with branches reaching out above her head, a few sightings of energetic rabbits bouncing excitedly, weaving in and out of the hiding places within the growth, scurrying squirrels climbing high into the trees - all adding to the overall ambience within these peaceful and unspoiled woods. She was glad that these woods were practically free from hordes of visitors being that she lived in a very rural area. It meant the woods thrived without noises and those that might not respect the countryside as much as its inhabitants did.

So mesmerised she was by the woods magnetic pull that she realised she had completely lost track of the time and that the inevitable transformation from daylight to night was coming near. However, the deeper she went into the woods the more zen she became as if in a trance, following the trail like one of the Pied Piper of Hamelin’s rats. The tranquil ambience of the woods welcoming her in its loving, outstretched arms like a long-lost friend. She was completely alone with space to breathe deeply for the first time in weeks. She fully embraced the healing power of this wonderful wilderness that many humans fail to notice let alone appreciate. She paused to sit on a well-placed, fallen log to rest absorbing the woody fragrance of the encompassing bark and fresh, pungent fumes of pinecones scattered sporadically on the ground like fallen soldiers. She glanced at her watch thinking it was time to head back to reality before it got too dark.

Heading back the way she came; she was aware by just how dark it had become – she hadn’t noticed how quickly it had crept upon her like a ravenous tiger expertly hunting its prey using the element of silent surprise. She traced her steps back, or so she thought, but before long realised she had been walking for some time and had expected to have exited the woods by now. With so many twists and turns and the trail slowly but surely becoming obscure within the dark tones of night, she came to a dead end. She felt like she was going around in circles, her heart beat faster, more urgently and dizziness was setting in. The dimness of the encroaching night had cut off her options of directions to try and although she tried her best to remain calm, she was starting to worry. The last thing she needed was to have another panic attack, especially given her current location.

As the darkness blanketed the woods, she admitted to herself that she was in fact lost. Lost as in completely and utterly lost. She wondered how she could be so stupid?! It was only the woods not exactly a labyrinth! She couldn’t believe how quick it had gotten so dark to the point that the woods either side of her were disappearing into a one merged surrounding wall of the darkest shade of black shadow. Wait! she thought - an injection of hope pierced her brain as she grabbed her iPhone out of her rucksack to call for help but this was quickly dissolved when she saw the 1% battery life. She hadn’t thought to charge it as she hadn’t expected to be so long and was in such a rush to escape. She scolded herself severely for her downright stupidity. If only she hadn’t rushed to get out of the house, she thought. But thinking like that wouldn’t help the situation so she pulled herself together, attempting but failing to get a signal but then what did she expect being in the middle of the countryside?!

The blackness consumed her now, in every direction that her eyes couldn’t see. The fear becoming very real as her positive self-talk prompted her to focus on maintaining her deep and slow breathing to stave off a panic attack. The inviting and calm woods had transformed into a place she no longer wanted to be. She was exhausted and the temperature had dropped significantly feeling it within her bones now especially as she only had her zip-up hoodie with her. She pulled the hood up and tied the drawstrings around her face in a bid to insulate her body and raise her temperature. The only saving grace was the torch she had on her phone which she knew would drain the battery so wouldn’t last long. Turning it on she realised just how rubbish it was and wished she had accepted the upgrade she was offered last week, but it wasn’t exactly on her priority list given that she had just lost her a piece of her heart. There had to be a way out but if she couldn’t find it in the light of day then she’d have zero chance of finding it in the dark! Stay strong, she reminded herself.

She rubbed her precious ring softly with thoughts turning to her grandma wondering if she could see her now. She was sure if she could see her, she’d have her head in her hands exasperated at her predicament. Perhaps, if there is life after death her grandma would help her, she pondered. Taking off the ring to kiss it she whispered softly, looking up expectantly as if she would descend from the sky at any moment,

Grandma, if you can hear me, please help me.

She gripped the ring tightly and closed her eyes inwardly repeating her request. She decided to start walking again because at least that would be warmer and more useful than staying here. She had to try whilst she still had some light from her phone torch. No sooner had she set off than she found herself suddenly face down in the dirt, looking back to see the culprit - badly situated tree stump guilty as charged. Wiping the dirt off her face, her ankle searing with pain she winced and then froze in absolute undiluted fear as her mobile took its last breath and died a death. She crouched in a ball on the floor to try and keep herself warm and closed her eyes tightly.

She became acutely aware that she wasn’t holding the ring anymore! She panicked feeling around in the mud in absolute desperation. No! This was all she had left. She had dropped the ring. She was beyond devastated and kept searching with sheer desperation, her hands sweeping the ground where she had fallen praying to reconnect to her precious emerald. It was no use – she couldn’t find it and had to swallow her disappointment and switch her focus to getting herself out of there. She felt her light fading fast and her lips were dry with thirst so grabbed what little water she had left.

Her mind kept wandering with the anxiety building at every little sound she heard. The trees were watching over her, their eyes all around and their gentle rustling had turned to harsh laughing at her she was sure or was her mind starting to lose grip on reality? She didn’t have a clue, confused and weak from the sleepless nights, unhealthy habits, emotional pain and not eating properly for weeks. Without any visibility she felt vulnerable and unable to function properly. With her mind on overdrive, she tried so hard to stop herself imagining the many horror films she’d watched but like telling someone not to think of a blue tree, as soon as the thought popped up, the more she told herself not to think about it the more she thought about it. Clips of the Blair Witch Project flashed over and over causing more anxiety. Usually, music could help her but that wasn’t an option right now. She had to find something to distract herself to deflect the panic that was building fast and so she started to sing ‘Over the Rainbow’ as it was the first happy song she thought of.

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high,

There’s a -

Interrupting her song, she heard a rustle coming from her left. This wasn’t the kind of distraction she needed! She froze, holding her breath scrambling in her bag for something she could use as a weapon reprimanding herself for not being better prepared. All those years in survivor scouts and here she was with a dead mobile, a few gulps of water and only her hoodie. No resemblance of any kind of survival gear let alone to be able to defend herself - No weapon. Nothing. As the rustling sound edged closer, she held her breath again hoping that whatever it was wouldn’t sense her there. Why couldn’t she have been a fight or flight type of girl instead of freeze? she thought. She was poised with her water bottle huddled in a ball on the floor in a bid to make herself smaller, and hopefully invisible to whatever it was that was getting closer by the second. Her heartbeat deceived her as it pumped louder and faster – if only it had a volume she could turn down. Perhaps this was her time. Perhaps she would be reunited with her grandma, she thought. Just then, she caught sight of something reflective and realised it was a pair of animal-like eyes looking directly towards her, hard to miss against the blackened backdrop. Unsure of what it was and as frozen as an icicle hanging from a window ledge, she quickly became aware of a commotion, hearing what sounded like the fast flapping of wings. She had no idea what was going on, but the eyes disappeared quickly into the darkness. Whatever was there no longer was, of that, she was sure.

She realised she had been holding her breath and let out a prolonged sigh. Regardless of her relief at not being eaten alive or attacked by whatever animal that was, it was still hopeless. How could she escape when all that lay ahead was blackness? With her ankle already swelling with pain it was futile to keep moving as she would most likely do herself more damage. She became weaker by the second feeling lightheaded and the cold of the night making her shiver uncontrollably. As the dark of the night slowly turned even more bitter and her hope diminished to the size of an atom, she thought she heard a sound in the distance or perhaps she had imagined it. But then she listened again intently and recognised the noise as that of the unique and unmistakable sound of an owl. It continued hooting incessantly and urgently to the point it roused her from her slump. It continued calling and was in close proximity to where she was. She grabbed onto a nearby tree trunk and hoisted herself up and decided to follow the sound carefully and slowly. She couldn’t explain what made her follow, but she felt pulled as if something in the urgency of its tone seemed to call to her. She questioned herself wondering if she had finally lost the plot but continued regardless because she didn’t have many other options. Every time she stopped, it seemed to increase the tempo as if beckoning for her to continue and so she did. And when she got closer to it, she realised it moved away. She followed the sound bit by bit with the little strength she had left. Confused and disoriented, she continued to follow. Before long, through her blurry eyes, she realised that the owl had led her to an exit! The slump had turned to survival as adrenaline kicked in and she finally recognised where she was. She stumbled painfully and with every tiny amount of dregs of reserve energy she had left back along the path she had arrived from. She cried tears of relief as the light from nearby houses unknowingly guided her towards her home. When she thought she could go on no longer, she heard voices ahead of her and was suddenly blinded by powerful lights ahead of her.

‘Millie!’ they shouted like a chorus. As she squinted trying to make out the silhouettes getting bigger and closer, adjusting her focus, she made out the familiar contours of her friends faces and as she stumbled towards them like an athlete lurching forward through the finish line, she collapsed in a heap at their feet succumbing again to the darkness.

The sun hurt her eyes like a freshly born baby experiencing the light after only the dark. She heard the sweet song of the birds outside and looked up at the familiar ceiling of what she realised was her room. Just then a knock startled her, and a familiar and welcome head poked round the door.

‘Oh great, you’re awake’ Elizabeth said.

In walked her friend with a tray of croissants and coffee. She salivated at the sight realising she hadn’t eaten for days, maybe even weeks, she couldn’t recollect.

“How are you feeling?” Elizabeth asked with a warm but concerned look on her face.

“Ok… I think…OUCH!” Millie squealed after trying to sit up.

“Woooh go easy – you’ll need to rest that ankle for a few days as its terribly swollen”

Truth be told Millie was feeling like she had been on an all-nighter like she used to do in college. Elizabeth sat with her and explained how they found her after being worried. Lovely-natured, kind and caring, Elizabeth had stayed the night and planned to stay for rest of the week to make sure Millie was okay – mentally as well as physically. Millie appreciated the offer of company so much and loved her friend even more for it. She was also under strict instructions to stay in bed - she didn’t have the energy to do anything else anyway so was more than happy to oblige.

Once Elizabeth left to go and do a food shop Millie’s mind rewound back to the mysterious, heroic owl from the woods. She might have imagined it or even made it up but without that owl she was sure she would still be on the floor of that woods possibly frozen to death or maybe half eaten! Either way, she was truly grateful to still be here. The more she tried to make sense of it, the more her brain hurt. It hit her hard when she remembered with horror and deep sadness that she had lost her grandma’s ring. Tears stung her eyes instantly. Perhaps she could go back to look for it as surely it would be there, but she had to heal first. She could take someone with her, not that she would ever be that unprepared again but just for support. And after all, Mother Nature wasn’t to blame – she was, and she took full responsibility for what happened to her.

She looked at the photo of her grandma...

I’m sorry, she sobbed.

She rolled over and let the tears flow as she had learned that preventing the volcano from erupting only renders it more powerful and regardless of how long you delay the inevitable it will eventually explode without warning and event more intense from all the pent-up pain.

Her tears were swiftly interrupted by a scraping noise which jolted her back into the room. She was shocked to see that the noise was coming from her window! What the hell?! she thought. She was on the first floor so wondered what it could possibly be. Confused, she hobbled wearily to the window in nervous anticipation of what she would see and pulled back the thick paisley curtains. She stood open-mouthed in disbelief, startled at the scene before her. She felt both terrified and in absolute awe all at once. There perched on her window was the most stunning and marvellously majestic barn owl and although she didn’t get a clear view of him last night, she was sure in her heart it was the same one. The snowy white of his heart-shaped face complimenting the widest, darkest, and most mesmerising eyes that were looking directly at her. They stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like hours, and she felt like their souls connected energetically. Their combined hypnotic trance was interrupted when she noticed something glistening as the owl continued scratching at the windowpane. Confused and unable to be clear on what it was, she opened the latch of her window slowly, still feeling cautious and unsure. As soon as she did the owl flew in and perched on her desk not at all shy or afraid.

Eyes wide and staring straight through her again, she realised the object glistening was…no it couldn’t be, she thought, was she dreaming? She rubbed her eyes a few times and looked again at the unique, unmistakable, and gorgeous green radiance coming from something that the owl grasped with its hooked talons. It was her grandma’s ring! She edged gently towards the owl who wasn’t at all reactive like it was waiting for her, expectantly. She reached forward gently to which the owl gracefully raised its leg allowing Millie to slip the ring off carefully. As soon as she did the owl took flight again straight out of the window. Again, bewildered, she stood with her eyes as wide as the owl itself stunned by what she had just experienced, knowing that no one would ever believe her that this had happened. She didn’t care because in that moment of her crystal-clear clarity, she knew that this owl was not just an owl and the possibilities bouncing erratically around her mind were endless…

He was sent by Grandma…or Mum…or Dad

He is a reincarnation of either of the above

He is my actual guardian angel in the form of an animal.

She could have carried on with the possibilities, but she stopped, placed down her pen, and closed her journal. She smiled to herself, took a sip of green tea, and relaxed into the armchair, happy in the knowledge that she didn’t care which it was – it didn’t matter. Tonight, was a full moon and my what a beauty it was. Her release list was at the ready, as the glow of the flames burned brightly and with intention, she let go and the heat devoured it in seconds. Feeling comforted that she wasn’t alone, she looked to the fence opposite her, into those wide, dark, mesmerising eyes and felt at peace.

She accepted and welcomed that life, as it was, would never be the same again as she had begun her own inspired spiritual journey and embraced her newfound appreciation and respect for the animal kingdom.