Living with yourself

Hi, my name is able.

I just happened to have spent 19 years breathing air, and things are looking slim. “Don’t give up on your life… Don’t give into depression, you're too young”, these are some of the things ‘functional’ people happen to say to me. I happen to wonder whether these people see how fleeting life gets when you hate the person in the mirror religiously. Having to wake up in the morning to live with yourself feels like having an enemy that knows your every move. He waits for you at your ‘happiest’ and reminds you of your insecurities. He waits for you to meet someone you really need in your life and ensures that you find a way to mess things up. He is always there to rationalize your vices and addictions at every chance that he gets.

A constant and ongoing battle with myself taught me that I was the worst thing that was ever going to happen to me. There is nothing outside of yourself that can ever cause as much damage as what you can do to yourself. “An empire destroyed by its enemies can rise again but an empire destroyed by itself is certainly lost forever”, by Zemo from Civil War.

The enemy within- An enemy that knows you better than you know yourself, is simply an enemy that you can’t defeat. If you have ever tried to better yourself or get yourself out of a bad habit/ addiction, then you have certainly seen how relentless you can be. On several occasions, I have tried to climb out of the ditches that I have dug myself into. Drugs, porn, and masturbation addiction are just a few of the several holes that I just happen to dig myself into, but these pale in comparison to SELF ISOLATING.

Self isolating has fueled all my other addictions to the point of needing professional help. If you are not sure what self isolating is for sure, let me explain with a sequence of events. In my experience, I would be going through what seemed to be my normal daily routine, with the inclusion of casual socializing. Then a calamity of sorts would occur, whether it be someone looking at me the wrong way, being looked down on, being excluded from my core friend group, or something else a normal functioning person would be able to just walk away from. My mind(worst enemy) would rationalize why I should completely step away from those people and isolate myself completely in order to avoid any chance of social judgment.

This would get a lot worse when I would get some new friends and the same exact scenario would repeat itself. I began to realize that the problem wasn’t my friends, It was ME.

It's a hollow feeling. When it set in that all I will ever truly have is myself combined with the brutal hatred that I had for myself. The emotion is hollow, like a cold breeze that is always passing through you. This breeze feels a hundred times worse when the hole you have right now was once filled with hope. After very many attempts to try to better myself that ended up making things worse all I ended up with was a worse version of the person I already had. The only progress I ever had was recently when I chose to accept him(myself). I had to learn to live with my vices, the depression never went away but atleast I hate myself a lot less. " Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you", by Tyrion Lannister.

This is not in encouragement of bad vices but saying that you are who you are vices in all. Life will always be shit regardless. You will only see what progress is like after accepting who you are right now. Accept yourself.