Living with the "Beast"

Living with the “Beast”

Coronavirus and its impact on domestic violence

When I was a young girl of 10 or 11 years, my mother shared a story with me. As a newly-wed young woman some 20 years before, she had decided to stop in unannounced for a visit with her sister-in-law after shopping one day. As she walked up the pathway towards an open front door, she could hear through the screen door the sound of angry yelling, sobbing, and her sister-in-law’s voice begging her husband to stop beating her. “What did you do?” I asked with wide-eyed concern. “Nothing,” replied my mother. “I turned around and got back in my car. I’d always known Nita* had married an asshole.”

The story stayed with me.

“Wife beating" as it was called, was made illegal in the US in 1920. Canada took a more nuanced approach than that of its neighbours to the south by studying family dynamics and identifying a wider range of harmful behaviours which came to be known collectively as, “Family Violence.” In both countries, a multitude of exclusions and specifics regarding the perpetrator and victim of such crimes created legal definitions to determine who was, and who was not, involved in episodes of domestic violence. Regardless of semantics, violence that occurred hidden behind closed doors generally remained within the domain of “personal matters” between spouses or domestic partners, as viewed by a mostly disinterested society. Until approximately 40 years ago, criminal charges and court involvement was a relatively rare occurrence on both sides of the border.

Growing up in the 1970’s, I was well aware of an unspoken rule: what happens in this house, stays in this house. My parents argued loudly. When the yelling turned to violence, I would retreat to the basement to wait out the storm. It was my mother who was the aggressor, and between her expletives and curses I could often hear things shatter upstairs. Sometimes, I would end up falling asleep in the basement, curled up beside the wooden dollhouse my father had made as a gift for me one Christmas. In it lived the “Sunshine Family” whose parents always smiled and never fought.

I lived out this same scenario in my own marriage which lasted for 10 years. When I turned to my mother for emotional support, her reaction to me was much the same as it had been toward her sister-in-law decades before. “You’ve made your bed, so I guess you’ll need to find your own way out of it,” she said to me. I finally left my emotionally and physically abusive husband after he tried to murder me through strangulation. Twice.

Recently, I have begun communicating online with a cousin who is almost two years older than me. Due to disruptions in his own family life—a father who occasionally drank to excess and was rumoured to be “difficult” while intoxicated, and a mother who left the family unit—he joined my family as a young child and spent the better part of a year living with us. While I have fond memories and remember him in the context of being an older brother figure during that time, he has no recollections of me. We were between four and six years of age. My cousin has recently split up with his fiancé after several violent episodes. He faces criminal repercussions for his actions.

Amid the constant stream of breaking news on the coronavirus, terrifying stories about illness and death in ever rising numbers, there is increasingly another set of statistics being mentioned: reports of domestic violence are also on the rise. Speculation on the reasons for this increase is mainly focused in two areas: the increased stresses put on families due to job loss and the resulting financial upheaval and uncertainty in people’s lives, and the shelter in place regulations that severely restrict the ability of a victim to leave a place of residence in order to seek refuge from a violent situation.

At the risk of sounding deliberately provocative, I would posit that the wrong set of facts are being put forward as somehow shedding illuminating points of insight on this difficult social issue. Any serious discussion on the topic of domestic/family violence must address the underlying factors, as well as the resources needed, to assist those unwittingly caught up in its cycle of destructive behaviours. Shining a spotlight on the coronavirus, although appealing in its simplistic assessment of a complex situation, serves as a distraction rather than a productive jumping-off place for discussion. Coronavirus is not the “beast” in regard to domestic violence.

As the news media makes clear every moment of every day, we are all experiencing increased levels of stress due to job loss, financial upheaval and general uncertainty in our lives, and most of us are living under regulations that significantly restrict our ability to leave our places of residence and move about freely, as we are accustomed to doing. Frayed nerves and short tempers are likely found in many, if not most, homes around the globe. However, domestic violence is not occurring behind every closed door, and thank God for that. This is because currently the coronavirus, while being a correlating factor, (i.e. it is occurring alongside the rise if domestic violence), is not a causal factor, (i.e. it is not directly causing the increased occurrence of domestic violence).

I believe two things must happen before domestic violence can be addressed in ways that will be impactful in terms of reducing its occurrence. Firstly, there needs to be a mind shift within society. Understanding that family violence is not a private matter between two people occurring behind closed doors, and neither is it an example of a clear dichotomy of good/bad, innocent/guilty, or victim/perpetrator. Is there a need for greater access to women’s shelters and safe houses? Yes. There is also as great a need for mental health resources for men, as there are for women. Strong communities must function as part of the support needed through awareness, and a willingness to engage. Society’s role must be to step in. Become the outside structure when the internal structure has fallen, or is at risk of collapse. Or, at least become better aware. Know the people who live across the street from you, or down the hall in your apartment block. Ask questions. Be straightforward and ask if there are specific things a person needs. And, ask again. It often takes more than one invitation, in order to reach out and accept the help being offered.

Secondly, society must move away from the notion that domestic violence is a one-sided behaviour. No human interaction occurs within a vacuum of no experience: no one wakes up one day and decides to become a victim of domestic abuse, nor does one suddenly decide to become an abuser. BOTH sides of the equation need to be addressed in order for balance to be regained. When society understands that the need to provide opportunities for healing is as important as the need to provide justice, funding for appropriate programs of mental health support will become more available.

We are learning through the unfolding of the coronavirus battle that, despite social distancing, society must come together and function as a whole in order to successfully see this pandemic come to a close. The same mindset must be made if we are to see a permanent reduction in family violence within our communities and neighbourhoods.

*names have been changed to protect privacy