Little Black Book

Here I am in the middle of a pandemic and I meet the man of my dreams. Terrance has been more than anything I could ask for. He is thoughtful, open, and loves trying new things. There are so many similarities between us I believe we could be soul mates. Years of dating narcissist after narcissist I believe that I have found my forever love.

If you are like me, you can appreciate a man that is upfront and honest. I love the way he automatically shares his plans, thoughts, and ideas with me, before I ask. Things were magnificent up until this damn money and little black book showed up and changed the game. I guess Biggie put it best “Mo Money, Mo Problems”. It wasn’t the $20,000 that mattered but the little black book that came along with it.

Terrance’s once open book personality had abruptly shifted. He was now secretive and made me promise to never look in his little black book. Reluctantly, I promised to never touch his funky little black book; I even gave a spill about how important it was for him to have something of his own outside of our relationship.

As I attempted to put the little black book out of my mind it seemed to be all I could think about. I daydreamed about what he could be writing in there. Maybe it was about the amount of money he had inherited, and he was keeping a detailed record of his spending. It could be his plans for his future, but I thought he already shared that with me so why would he need to keep that a secret, so that couldn’t be right. My mind raced as I thought of different scenarios.

Every time I saw him with his little black book, I pictured myself sprinting like a track star, grabbing it like a baton, running to the bathroom, and finally reading it.

It did not matter what was going on he was writing in that little black book. There have been times we are in deep conversation and he will stop to write something down. Other times we could be out to dinner and out of nowhere he starts writing in his little black book. What could be so freaking important that you must stop immediately to write it down? Sometimes I would jokingly grab at it or asked him what he was writing, but he would quickly remind me of my promise.

I thought I was losing my mind. I know they say thoughts become things but when this little black book followed me to work, I knew I had a problem. After attending a writing workshop, my boss loved the benefits of journaling and bought everyone in the office little black books. Now it was showing up at work, I had to find out what he was writing about without breaking my promise.

Years of watching the “I Love Lucy Show” has taught me a few clever tricks. I told myself I promised to not read his precious little black book, but he never said anything about anyone else reading it to me. And I knew three people that would be perfect to help me accomplish my mission.

First up would be my brother Joshua, what good would it be to have an older sibling if he could not help me spy on my boyfriend. Next up to the plate would be Lisa, Terrance’s younger sister. She was always talking about reading her brother’s precious black book. So, I knew she would be in. Lastly, Beverly would bring the prize home if the other two failed me. Beverly was one of my closest friends, she was always there whenever I needed her. I didn’t see this time being any different.

I decided to set-up my first attempt the following Sunday since his favorite football team would be playing. He would never be suspicious of my brother being there because they often watched football games together. All I needed to do was provide the place and the snacks. I had no doubt that Terrance would be bringing his little black book along.

When Sunday finally arrived just like clockwork Terrance showed up to watch the game with his favorite little friend. Once my brother arrived the plan was to distract Terrance long enough to find out what he has been writing about. Thirty minutes later my brother arrived, and it was time for the games to begin.

Terrance was so focused on the game he barely knew what was going on around him. We had one major problem he had his little black book clutched in his hands the entire time. I needed to find a way to get him to put that thing down. I noticed Terrance was not drinking that much so I encouraged him to drink a little bit faster before his drink got warm. My plan worked because soon he would be rushing into the bathroom leaving his little black book all alone.

Now was the perfect time. I called for Joshua, who was in the next room on a call. Hurry up and get in here. I was not sure who he was talking to because he was singing a different song now. What he told me next made me question the bond that siblings are supposed to share.

Sis, you know I love you and I know you really care about Terrance too. Plus, he is a super cool dude, are you sure you want to do this, it could ruin the best relationship you have ever had. Remember, those are your words not mine.

I was shook, there was no way he could be backing out on me now. And trying to use my own words against me, the nerve! I told him, I did not want to know everything, all I wanted was an idea about what he was always writing about. Look we don’t have much time so just read it. As he walked over to the sofa to the book, he encouraged me to think it through again. My only words were, “boy hurry up”!

As he opened the little black book, we heard the toilet flush.

Hurry, hurry I said, because we were running out of time. Joshua flipped through the pages of Terrance’s little black book. He would flip through about ten blank pages before the writing begin. Before he had a chance to read one word, we could hear Terrance unlocking the bathroom door. As he rushed to put the book back, I knew we had failed.

Attempt number two had to work. Sunday dinner was coming up and would be at his parents’ home, so I knew his focus wouldn’t be on his little black book. When Sunday came there was no little black book in sight. After months of having his little black book by his side he decided to leave it at home and focus on family time instead. My second attempt was over before it even started.

Lisa and I looked at each other in disbelief and laughed to ourselves. It must not be written in the stars for me to know what he was writing.

I had one more chance to get this right without getting caught. Even though Beverly was at my place frequently while Terrance was there, the problem was that he normally left us alone while he occupied himself with something else. He was never involved in our girl talks. But this was my final opportunity, so I had to make it work.

Beverly has been someone I could always depend on. Whenever I needed her, she was just a phone call away, like the big sister I never had, so I did not expect this time to be any different.

After filling her in on what my needs were her response shocked me. She replied, I love you but there is no way I can look in his little black book. You know me if this little black book contains his criminal masterplan, I must turn him in, no matter how great he may seem. I’m too pretty to go to prison for anybody. Plus, there may be a reward if I turn him in. I told her to stop playing but she continued to resist my request.

She said, “Vee, just think about how you are going to feel once you go through his book behind his back. What happened to him being your forever love?” There is no going back once we see what’s inside and I would hate for you to regret it later.

Now why did she have to go and say all of that. What happened to my fearless ride or die friend? Now she had me second guessing myself. Was I wrong for wanting to see what’s inside? How could I be serious about breaking my promise to Terrance? The questions wouldn’t stop coming. I was more confused than ever. If Terrance is truly my forever love this could ruin everything.

What was I supposed to do?

How was I going to deal with not knowing what he was constantly writing in his little black book?

The only option I could come up with if I couldn’t beat him, I should join him. I decided to put my little black book that my boss gave me to use. If I was busy doing my own writing, then it would take some of the focus off him. Who knows my story may become the next New York Times’ best-seller.

The more I wrote the less I focused on Terrance’s little black book. Things were getting even better in our relationship as well. He started discussing how writing made him feel and even inquired about my feelings. My load did feel lighter since I started journaling and just like Terrance, I took my little black book everywhere. It was like Visa I never left home without it.

A month later our relationship went to a completely new level. Out of the blue Terrance calls me up and tells me he wants to talk to me about something that has been on his heart. Immediately my brain went into overdrive wondering what he wanted to talk about. Did he see me as his forever love too? I know it could not be about moving in together because he knew I was against that. I would just have to wait until then I would write about it.

After an elegant dinner, Terrance asked me to sit next to him near the fireplace. The warmth of the fire was the perfect addition to whatever was about to go down. I think I am getting ready to go from Ms. to Mrs., I cant wait!!

His words made me happy and sad at the same time. He told me, “since you have been so understanding and respectful about allowing me to have my privacy, I have decided there is nothing that I want to keep from you. Then he pulled out his little black book to share the content he had been writing about.

I felt awful about my failed attempts, but I was happy that they failed. Over the last ten months he had been writing down special moments from his life and different ideas to add to his first book. The first ten pages were blank because he planned to use those to outline the ten chapters of his book after he finished collecting his data. I felt even worse when I saw that I was included in most of his moments. His point of view of me made me fall for him even harder.

There is no doubt that this is my forever love, and I am happy to say there are no secrets between the two of us. Honestly, we are closer than ever all because of a glorious little black book.