Lights out

Let me start by saying this is all true. It’s not fabricated.. my life is a steaming mess.

So, in 2019 ( age 20 ) I got kicked out of my dads house as he wasn’t happy with the fact I smoked weed and did drugs in my free time ( coke, ket). I had a job and was a functioning addict but his constant non-constructive criticism (talking down to me, seeing me as less, telling my 3 siblings about it and basically ruining everyone’s opinion of me to the point where I didn’t get invited to family events and none of them wanted to associate with me) this took it’s toll on my mental health and how I see myself. I went from a functioning addict, to a non-functioning drug abuser. I went to live with my mum after getting kicked out ( I mean kicked out, I was physically forced out my bedroom at midnight and was only allowed to take my phone, the irony of it is that my dad is a raging alcoholic, and the whole thing happened when he came home drunk and took it out on me).

My step dad disliked me for similar reasons as my dad ( not liking the fact I was abit of a stoner). I slept on the sofa at my mums for 3 months there. On New Year’s Eve 2019, my step dad started verbally abusing me and tried to insight a fight. At this point I’d been in one fight in my entire 20 years of existence... Usually I’m quite level headed and composed but I was drunk at the time and he was disrespecting me infront of everyone and by this point I’d had enough... we ended up fighting. He’s a 6ft 2 ex rugby and ice hockey player and I’m 5ft 9 ( played basketball at school)... so I’ll let you figure out who won. The fight happened near a local petrol station and I was left on the floor. My mum didn’t stay to help. She walked back home with my step dad and left me there ( I walked infront of 2 cars that night, luckily they stopped And didn’t run me over or I wouldn’t be typing this).

Needless to say I wasn’t allowed back to stop with my mum or family and am still not allowed to this day. My step dad refused to let me round this Christmas.

I had no where to turn, I ended up begging my ex to let me stay with her in Stoke and then moved into a flat early 2020 on my own. I had a temp job as a contracts admin but lost that Job in the start of March. One morning I had a panic attack and ended up calling my manager at 8:05am ( I was due to start at 8:00am) to explain why I was running abit late. She didn’t understand at all ( male mental health isn’t taken seriously in society... feel free to disagree but from my own personal experience, it never has been when it comes to me ). She terminated my temp contract and I lost my job and source of income.

At this point I had somewhat rebuilt my relationship with my dad, So he was willing to Pay for food occasionally and put some electric on here and there but it wasn’t always enough (and most of the time because of his negative perception of me due to my addictions, he was reluctant to even help me out at all).

I had lost my job and I was really struggling. I signed on to universal Credit which I am still on currently on ( since March I have applied for over 80 jobs and haven’t had any luck, which is extremely frustrating because my grades are above average and I’m not a slow learner).

For a while everything was okay... not great or good.. but I was managing. I had enough food most of the time and a roof over my head which I am extremely greatful for because not everyone can say that. I didn’t have WiFi because my credit score is low and they refuse to set it up or take my money because I’m on UC... I did however have mobile data, so I could watch YouTube and Netflix n listen to music to pass the time. My data is limited however and usually for the last week of the month I have literally nothing to do. But it’s okay we move. I’m still greatful.

There is no central heating in my flat and I had one heater for 3 rooms which I had to use sparingly because I’m on an electric metre ( the ones where you top it up with a key)... but as you can imagine this winter it got pretty cold.

One morning I woke up, went to hit the lights and they wouldn’t turn on... went to check the metre and it said -£5. I had no money what so ever. At this point, my drug use had reduced massively because the little money I was getting I had to use for food and electric, although I did still smoke weed occasionally with my friends, I was and am no where near as bad as what I used to be.

I texted my mum asking if she could LEND me some money to put on the electric... you know.... so it wasn’t 0 degrees in my flat... not a big ask, as I was going to pay her back... at least that is what I thought. Anyway, She assumed I’d spent all my money on drugs ( which is kind of my fault because going off my past... that is a fair assumption) and said no.

I never bothered asking my dad for the cash because his answer would be the same, only more condescending, name calling ( low life, druggy, waste man, waste of space.. even going as far as to tell me to overdose on multiple occasions).

My mum told my dad that I’d ran out of electric and told him it was because of drug use.... this wasn’t true but they don’t believe a word I say even though I have never lied and got good grades in school, they just assume I’m a dumb liar because of the negative connotations around weed use amongst boomers. Which just is what it is.

So am Sat alone, shivering in my flat and my dad decides to call me up. I see the phone ring and a part of me is relieved ... thinking.. maybe mum has told him about my situation and he’ll lend me some money. Nope; he called me to shout at me, insult me... told me to overdose and emphasised the fact I had no one to help me and the fact I had no job ( even tho I have shown him the 80 jobs I applied for on indeed and other websites). He again told me to overdose during the phone call and it kind of ruined me a little. Again tho.. we move.

I contemplated suicide but honestly.... it’s like they wanted me to and I wasn’t about to give them that satisfaction. I mean it’s not even LIKE they wanted me to. My dad told me too. So I guess at that moment in time they didn’t want me to. It was rough and I really wasn’t okay. I don’t hold it against them though. I probably should but hate is a waste of an emotion... I just keep them at arms length now.

I sat and cried for a little while..... trying to muster up the courage to ask someone for money.

Ended up messaging my ex girlfriend, who sent me a tenner, which I used to put on my electric metre. That small act of kindness let me know that someone did give a shit and it was all I needed.

The £10 I had lasted until I got my next UC payment because I used it sparingly.

If it wasn’t for my ex’s I wouldn’t be here. They didn’t treat me the best... don’t get me wrong, hence the X; but I’ve got people who’ve treated me so much worse and they’ve always been there when I’ve had no where else to turn.

I still haven’t got a job or WiFi. But I have an interview on Sunday for a job so things are starting to look up.

By no means am I sorry for myself. There are plenty of people who have it much worse... I am however, extremely thankful for that £10 and always will be.

It restored my faith in myself and others.