Life Goes On!

With so many emotions to feel, so many experiences to learn, so less or more or enough time to do things that we want to do in this little span of life, with all the life goals that might change over time; this LIFE sometimes seems short, sometimes it feels very long when we don't have enough energy to do things for our survival, happiness, fulfillment.

Sometimes it feels full of pain, grief, heartbreaks and, sadness. And with all of that life seems unfair. Sometimes it is full of doubts, self-doubts, doubts in our ability to achieve great things, comparisons to others that how others are achieving great things and we are just sitting here and doubting ourselves just like right now I am doubting myself like, "What the hell I am writing about", "What is my main topic here?", "Ohhhh!!!! I am finally writing an article after two months", "Is it worth reading?", "Who is going to read my boring stuff about life where I just have some painful full of grief topics to write!"

But it's all okay!!! I am just writing my raw thoughts here because that is the only thing right here that is going to break this spell of self-doubt in everything I do especially my writing.

So, let's talk about life- My point of view of life. How I think it is not worth sharing and writing about. When I think to write about something especially my life-- all I can think of is my mother. The emotions I felt after her demise. My journey of emotions especially the pain and grief that I have been through all of these past five and half years.

I never knew the importance of people that much until I lost my mother. The grief shook me apart. And I did not even know how to process that grief. I just continued with my life, my studies and all. I suppressed my pain tried to look strong always, to get involved with our friends, pretending to be happy and all. I took part in different activities at college like dancing to process things. But nothing helped me out. I used to feel super alone and anxious all the time especially at night. The thought of my mother going away from me forever broke my heart into tiny little pieces every night. Now I could say that "Yes, I know how a heartbreak feels." " She deserved a better life " this thought made me sad and anxious for these past five years.

There are so many things that I wanted to do for her. I wanted to see her fully recover from her knee pain. I wanted to see her as a fully healthy person. I wanted to watch her walking with full-on confidence and happiness. I wanted to go out with her and eat the best street foods. I wish I could buy her the best designer suits and makeup with my own money. I wish I could tell her more often that I love her and she matters a lot to me! I wish I could tell her that I am so proud of her for being such a strong person throughout all of those years fighting with her pain and still living life gracefully. I wish I could tell her that I am a proud daughter of being a daughter of such a beautiful and strong person. I wish that I could call you whenever I feel alone, sad and, demotivated. I wish I could complain to you about all the things that are wrong in my life and cry.

Sometimes, I just simply wish that you were here and I could touch you and feel you. I often have dreams of you where you are making dinner for us and staring at me. And in that dream, I always get surprised and come to touch you and, then you disappear. And, just like that, I wake up from my dream every day.

"It is life", I say to myself whenever I feel sad and lonely after this dream every time. Sometimes life is sad and in the memories of our beloved ones but the end, it is worth living.

The pain, grief, sadness, happiness, excitement and, joy there is beauty in each of these emotions and together they make our life beautiful.