Life as a Wonder

Everyone has a point where they just give up. Mine was at 16. My family was far from ideal, religion I didn't understand and relations that seemed alien to me, my intellect was bothersome, though not in the typical way, but above all, I saw the world in a way I couldn't explain to others, but I definitely tried to figure out why.

I was born into Upper-Middleclass, but didn't realise it. My mother was hardly home, long hospital hours and 24-hr shifts weekly, and always in denial of anything that was hard to accept. my father was around: but absent. He had a "business" that was essentially a shell for not working, using(wasting) money and pretending to contribute, all so he could show his 'value' and avoid anything like watching the kids. At a young age (7) I realised he was literally, and figuratively, stealing money from my mother and therefore my family.

My mother's family (and schools I attended) are Roman Catholic. I never understood why people prayed to statues or if "God" was a ghost. It wasn't just my family, it was everyone except me who followed these rituals, some for comfort others to rid themselves of guilt. I often asked myself "Why?", because I learned quickly not to ask others around me: 1st grade.

In my opinion there were many aspects that made me very different from others, but I assumed everyone was this way and just knew how to "act" in the proper societal way, so I thought I could learn it. Then first grade came. After 5 minutes of the class standing in a giant circle in the middle of the room with the desks pushed to the sides and our arms horizontal to the sides, palms up, the teacher posed an important question. " Do you feel how your arms are getting heavy, and it's like there is weight on your hands?"... Finally! I would figure something out!, Or so I thought... " That weight you feel, that's Jesus, holding your hand in his.". Alas, I was confused again. Without thinking I asked, what I thought was a valid question, "Isn't that gravity?". I was met with a face of utter bewilderment, and a request to sit in the hall and talk to Jesus. I never did get an answer.

About 2 months later some adult (now I realise high schooler) came to introduce UNICEF to 1st grade for Trick or Treating. She mentioned it was only 63 cents per meal(or day, not sure) to feed a starving child in a 3rd world nation. At the end she asked if there was any questions... Seeing as I had been thinking about the number the whole time I definitely had a question. I asked, " Why is it 63 cents?". I got a quick and smiling reply of how they save money from feeding so many people at once... as it kept continuing I eventually raised my hand and proclaimed, " No, I mean why is it not less? Ramen is 2 serving and 10 cents, grocery stores mark up items at least 2x, and if you minus the packaging and individual foil packets... and Flintstone vitamins cost...". Again, I was asked to go to the hall. My teacher said " It's not that you did something wrong, you are very smart and I'm afraid you're confusing the other students with Math." You'd think someone would've noticed I was abnormal aside from intellect by now, I even asked my mother why I thought differently and didn't understand the same things as others 2x by now. They offered me to move up a grade- I said no.

I asked my mother many, many times, and in various ways, why/how I was different from others. Everything from not understanding the Nancy Kerrigan story clips at an extremely young age. I thought to myself " why is this person pretending to be sad" and mimicked it to figure it out: it became a party trick. " Sara do your Nancy Kerrigan impersonation." I would fall to the floor grab my leg and go "WHHHHYYYYY????*sniffle* *sniffle*" I didn't understand why but it got tons of laughter.

After events like these, and making an excel spreadsheet with the names of everyone I knew one it and 5 boxes for X's before I had to "act mad" or retaliate for someone doing me wrong, in a misguided attempt to stop having more pencils stolen than the other girls who cried or hit the boys for stealing them. I hit my crown jewel. I was doing (to this day) nothing wrong in computer class (on windows 92 computers not connected to the internet and essentially a Rent-A-Teacher provided by the public school district). I was told " Fine, if you're so smart why don't you get up here and teach the class (it was 1x a week) so I did. I taught 20-some 2nd graders how to make a webpage in notepad. it went on 2 months before Sr. Mary Ursula came in shocked as to why a 2nd grader was teaching the class. I had zero clue the teacher wasn't seriously asking... She had zero clue I wasn't trying to be trouble.

At age 16, when I, again, told my family I was not Catholic and did not believe in it, I had also tried again (27x total by now) to ask why I was different. The answer from my mother remained the same " Oh, hunny, you're normal".

As an adult, after many mentions from friends, I got tested for Autism: curiosity. Turns out I am Autistic, which explains a lot, everything from why I am such a good tutor for children who don't pick up lessons the "normal" way, to why I am beyond quirky. Even if there was a fix for Autism I wouldn't want it. I am who I am not simply because I have one of the highest IQs in my state, but because I see and process things in a different way, even though I've had to learn social convention the hard way.