Life after A Breakup. How to Get Over Those Sad Days and Not Repeat the Mistakes of the Past

Separation is the end of a relationship. And often the end of a relationship is much harder to accept.

The main difficulty in a breakup is the psychological breakdown. Even though you are physically separated from someone, you are not ready to break up emotionally. The main task of therapy in case of separation from a partner is to live the process of separation and to build new meanings of life.

Each of us has gone through difficult relationships, incomplete love stories. For many of us, the breakup was traumatic. We are left with a strong emotional dependence on former partners that we now do not know how to overcome. I was left with a whole set of emotions and feelings: anger, fear, shame, guilt, disappointment…

I was left with the feeling of abandonment, disappointment, the feeling of inner emptiness and loss of meaning in life, with depression… Nothing surprising, by the way.

What are the typical mistakes that partners make when they break up?

Life without a relationship.

Sometimes, as a result of a traumatic separation and having some inner suffering, a person decides that this was too hard an experience for him, that it is enough for him and it would be best not to have a serious relationship. Such an experience can make him accept the position that: all men or all women are the same. Hence the indifference to serious relationships and distrust in them.

Premature understanding and forgiveness.

It often happens that, after trying to understand, to forgive, to release, in a situation of separation a person tries to understand the former partner and to forgive. However, such forgiveness is premature. Forgiveness and acceptance are complex processes of several stages, in which the emotional side of the personality is not involved.

The natural emotions and feelings for such a situation are stopped and blocked, and the true experience of separation becomes impossible. Such a person should make every effort to avoid such feelings and to avoid them.

Escaping into a new relationship.

This is a fairly common and common mistake in a breakup. The person tries to avoid the painful consequences of a breakup and tries to escape in a new relationship. This tactic is unfavorable from 3 points of view: the feelings that accompany this situation do not exist, because there is no separation as such.

Second, the person has every chance of repeating the same mistakes as in the previous relationship. Third, the involvement in the new relationship may be too sudden without going through the testing phase of the new partner.

Living the life of your ex-partner.

In such a separation, the person cannot free the former partner from the mind. Most of the time, one's energy is spent tracking one's ex-partner's actions and events: who he or she lives with, how he or she lives, what he or she thinks about…

Psychologically, the separation did not take place. The person in question continues to live the life of his former partner, and time and energy for his own life no longer remain. Hence the small chances to meet a new life partner, because his soul is still occupied by the former.

The past.

In such cases, the person lives in the past: memories, past events. Time seems to stand still and all the energy of his life is directed to the past. This person has neither present nor future. Physically, this person walks, talks, works, but psychologically his life stops.

Partner depreciation.

This strategy acts as a defense mechanism in a breakup. It's just something temporary. To depreciate a partner means to go through that part of a life lived with him, the experience gained during this period. It's just that depreciating someone means depreciating yourself, that part that was positive in that relationship.

Life for children.

Here is another life strategy of an incomplete separation, in which a person focuses on the position of parent. All other facets of self-identity are buried. All the energy that could have been used to build a strong relationship is invested in children, which leads to a parent-child relationship.

Revenge.

A person with such an attitude is actively directed towards the future. He doesn't stop there, but he does everything to make major changes in his life and he wants to achieve as many new goals as possible.

It's just that the meanings of this person's life are built on proving to their ex-partner that they were wrong, that their separation was wrong. This person will always live his whole life with the desire to prove and show his worth.

To be able to get out of a relationship brilliantly, we need to recognize and accept the reality of past relationships. Let's acknowledge the good things that were and thank the former for them. Let's say goodbye and give up all expectations. Breaking up with someone means discovering something new in yourself.

Sometimes, to remember ourselves, we have to discover ourselves, to find new values and new meanings. Separation is the end of a relationship, not someone's, that's why people have to live and create, make plans, love.