Letters to Him

Day 1

Hey,

Just wanted to let you know even though you let me go, I didn't stop loving you. I still want to be with you, but I know you need your space. I wish you would have let me in just like you wanted me to open up to you.

I just wanted to be the person that can light your world just a little even in the darkest times. I knew this moment was coming when you slowly stopped talking to me as much and I knew and understood your reasoning but I still knew you were going to withdraw.

You see I have a fear of abandonment but this also makes me great at knowing when someone is going to pull away. The signs were there. Even with all the signs I wanted to try, I wanted to fight for us, I didn't fight hard enough. I still feel that maybe if I could have showed you that I could be there more, maybe if I had my life together more you would have felt more comfortable loving me.

That, right there, love me...do you? Do you still love me? You see when you said we should just break until we can see each other on a regular basis, this leads me to believe you do and that you want to be with me, it's just that being separate without being able to see each other as much as we want is what hurt you.

So here I am, I am still hopeful. I still believe we are meant for each other and we will be together. So I will write these letters to you and maybe one day I will be able to sit by you as you read every letter I write to you every day until we are together again, or maybe I will give these to you when I see you have officially give up on me, on us.

I love you,

Me.

Day 2

Hello again,

I just wanted to tell you how I'm doing today. I'm not great. I didn't think this part would hurt me as much as it does. Remember when you thought I didn't care because I wanted to keep guarded. Remember when I said it would hurt if we split but it is what it is. I lied, it really hurts. I didn't think I was going to fall as hard as I did for you.

I think it's the fact that we spent almost an entire month together, laughing and enjoying each others company. You were my best friend for that short amount of time. I opened up to you about a lot in my life that hardly anybody knows about. I wanted you to know all of me in hopes it wouldn't scare you away.

Remember when we did that question survey together and at the end of it all you asked me, "So are you in love with me now?". Goodness I didn't realize how I could fall for you so quickly. I never thought I'd feel a love like that, no wonder this hurts so bad.

I'm not giving up, I'm holding hope that whatever you're going through you'll let me in soon.

I love you,

Me.

Day 3

Hey,

How are you holding up? Does this effect you like it's effecting me? I watch you every day, I try to be there like a friend like you said we could be but I think it's hurting me too much. If I pull away I'm sorry, I just need to make sure that I don't put myself at risk.

I didn't need you before to make me happy and that's still true, but the happiness I felt with you was on another level. I know, I know we didn't actually physically met, I know we barely knew each other, I know we weren't "dating" by your books. But the relationship we had was something to me, it meant something to me, and every time I spoke those three words I meant them.

At this point I'm in my head, you know? I still think it was me, I still think I could have done better, been better but I didn't so I feel like I screwed us up. I'm fixing myself even more now though, I mean I already was but I realize I really need to get my life together, I've gone too long in my depression I'm tired of it.

And before you ask, no I'm not doing it only for you, I'm doing it for me. This is something I've needed to snap out of and do for me just never had that wake up call, and if for whatever reason (and I hope this doesn't happen) but if we some how don't find each other again I want to make sure I don't screw up the next relationship I find, if I find another. Right now I just want you.

I love you,

Me.

Day 4

Hey You,

I'm not sure if it's me but it seems like you don't want me around. Like when you see my name there you seem bothered. Did I bother you at some point? Did you need space from me that I wasn't giving you?

I just want to let you know I'm trying to step away, it's hard, because I don't want you to think I forgot about you or don't care, but I also want to give you space you may need to heal. Do you? Do you need to heal? Did this hurt you?

Silly question I know, but I do wonder. I hope you're not hurting, like I want you to miss me, but I don't want you hurting like I am because I want you to thrive. I just want you happy. I want that smile on your face, the one I saw when you ate that sandwich while on discord with me.

You have such a beautiful smile. It's one of the first things that sparked that light in me to think I could fall in love with you if I kept talking to you the way we do.

Crazy to think back at the days we spent, there were so many things that were bringing us together, I wish I had taken action sooner but at the same time I wasn't ready then.

I love you,

Me.

Day 5

Hello love,

I know I shouldn't be calling you that, as you aren't mine, but I can't help it. I just want to be able to call you mine.

Hey question, did I mess up when I said I wanted to keep our relationship on the down low for a bit? I feel like you wanted to be able to be open about our relationship and I wanted it private for a bit, did I mess up there? Did I make you feel like I was embarrassed?

I hope you never felt that way because I was the exact opposite of embarrassed. I was proud to call you mine. I was amazed that someone like you wanted to be with me. You're different in so many good ways. You could openly tell me what you were thinking and I liked that about you. You knew how to joke around and be serious all at the same time. You know how to sit and listen. You understand.

I just wish I could talk to you like that again. I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I feel like I'm going back to the same person before we talked, the one who was intimated by you. I just miss you.

I hope you're doing great. I hope you're finding the light shining at the end of the tunnel. I know you're going to do great things and I see you working hard for it. I believe in you.

I love you,

Me.