Let's fucking date!

If you asked me years ago when I was writing about fashion and runway shows the least likely topic I would find myself penning, I can likely say this would be among them. I don’t think anyone plans to get divorced. I know I didn’t. I am loyal, trusting, a homemaker from a place of heart, and a communicator. Really, there are very few issues (to an idealistic girl in her 20s) that could not be worked through. Every problem has a solution! Until it doesn’t. But let’s get back on topic. Fucking dating.

Getting to you know you. Getting to know all about you. I have always been a “people person,” an extrovert, and intuitive. I get a sense of someone near immediately. Sometimes through photos, through conversation exchanges, either textual or vocal, and from that I can collect a lot of data. Now, you may sit here thinking if you are so intuitive, why didn’t you see divorce coming?! Fair. But my intuition wasn’t necessarily wrong. However I have patterns which guide me with what to do with said data which can either create healthy or unhealthy results.

Another part about me which can lead me down unhealthy paths is I am a big old empath. Being an empath allows me to understand complexities behind situations, to be able to relate to them whereas someone else may say “eff that,” and walk away. There is nothing wrong with being an empath, as long as she can protect herself. And that comes by way of boundaries. Boundaries and identifying major red flags.

Anyway, so you go along and check the boxes. You ensure you are not ignoring red flags, or excusing them away, and you just keep continually checking the boxes. But here is the thing: getting to know someone is based on two variables: you and the other person, and the varying speed at which people open up. Since this is all variable, and can change based on season, year, or stage of life, as such there is no timeline and thus cannot be predicted after a week, a month, two months, or a year. Not everyone opens up at the same pace; some people take months, while others can take years. The longer you know each other, the better. Not to mention timing plays a huge role. A month can mean something different to people who have been on 5-6 actual dates versus someone who has maybe had one or two. You know, dates. That may feel like a foreign affair in star date 2020 but opportunities for two people to connect without all the other noise. You may choose Zoom, FaceTime, masked walks through the park, or an outdoor patio these days. But really, let's be honest, none of that matters; you likely won’t see your potential partner for who they really are are…unless you stop being blinded. And being blinded comes from your own either rose colored glasses or self-sabotaging shades.

When we become blinded through rose colored glasses, we dismiss red flags, think we can change someone, or excuse away bad behavior because we would like to see an elevated version of who we wish the person would be. When we become blinded by self-sabotaging shades, we project our issues and insecurities onto a person. This is where people put up walls, encounter intimacy issues, and other blocks which are uncomfortable. People are forced to deal with their discomfort internally or become defensive. The issue with both shaded visions is most people don’t understand when they are doing it, not seeing someone clearly. This is where a solid system of check and balances comes into play.

For example: I had an experience where I felt I was at a mental crossroads earlier this year. I became interested in something but still felt drawn to another area. I was confused why I was feeling torn and reflected back on my “why.” With my why I was able to see the direction I was being drawn to – the other area – fit an old pattern of chaos and drama. Chaos and drama was the opposite of my why, what I really want, yet became familiar with chaos and drama from childhood. Despite wanting the complete opposite, familiar feels safe…and if we are not in touch with this we can easy be drawn to familiar feelings which is why most relationships do NOT work out. You are actually thinking red flags are green flags and vice versa based on traumas you have experienced now masquerading as “safe.” I semi-digress. Anyway, I wanted to stick this anecdote in there to explain why your “picker” may be off. If your picker is off, the following and the above may not help you. Find a way to question this, because without fixing your sense of comfort (however how opposite it may be from what you think you want) you will continue to choose toxic relationships over and over and over again all while sabotaging the potential for healthy, long lasting ones.

However, if you HAVE cleaned up your shit, I have assembled a keen list from a friend of 7 points for assessing a relationship. Take a look and take notes. Unless you like to fail secretly. In which case, keep being insane: you know, doing the same thing and expecting different results.

#1 Have you ever had an argument? This may sound counterproductive, but having an argument or two is needed in order to really get to know someone. People who have never argued either don’t care enough about each other, or they simply bottle up the bitter feelings, because they don’t want to be honest. When you know someone, you also know their ugly side.

#2 Has this person ever let you down? Again, it sounds strange, but this is beyond needed. When someone, anyone, lets you down, it’s because they fall short of the expectation you’ve put on them. If you’re blinded by your own perception or expectation of who they are, there’s going to be that defining moment where they let you down.

Most people put the blame on the person letting them down, but in reality, they should be pointing the finger at themselves. Rather than being upset, take this moment to pull off the blindfold and really see the person for who they really are.

#3 Have you had the actual moment where you feel like they’re a total stranger? This is an awful moment, especially when the stranger is your partner. After the blindfold is off, there will be a period of adjustment, where the person will be a complete stranger.

Things may or may not be awkward. Your memories will be tainted for a bit. But this is actually for the best. This is a transitional period and a one-way ticket to finally coming to terms with who a person truly is.

#4 Have you known this person for at least 3 years? Yes, it seems like a long time, but this is an unspoken rule. A lot of things happen at the 3rd year mark, both in friendships and relationships. By the third year, you’ve already gone through a lot of different experiences together, both good and bad.

The third year in, friends either disappear, or get closer. Partners argue, get to know every side of each other, and oftentimes breakup. For couples who are either lucky or persistent in making things work, the third year mark can be the test that will make their relationship stronger. It sounds worse than it is, but this is the moment when you know who’s here to stay, and who isn’t meant to be a permanent fixture in your life.

#5 Have the two of you spoken of how things were before you two really knew each other? This is a given. At some point down the line, your friend or partner will mention how shy, naïve, blind or immature you both used to be in the past. You’ll talk about past arguments, maybe even past views on each other, and then some. At this point, it’s safe to say you’ll know that they’re being genuine, and you’re no longer blinded by mere infatuation or naive optimism.

#6 Have you ever spent time apart? Remember, spending time apart helps you reflect. This is something most people forget, but when you spend time with someone all the time, you develop tunnel vision. All you see is that person, and all interaction revolves around that person. What you think and feel and analyze about that person when you’re alone actually helps put things into perspective.

#7 Have you faced a serious obstacle together? One thing is seeing someone on a good day. It’s a whole other thing when you see that person respond to problems. A person may seem easygoing and carefree, but they may actually become very volatile when faced with a stressful situation.

As mentioned earlier, getting to know someone involves knowing both their good side and their ugly side. By going through a serious hurdle together, you can then see how they react, and you can see if the way they act during this time will jive with the way you would handle the obstacle.

Again, the biggest take home here is really to be able to identify where your relationship or childhood trauma may be keeping you from seeing your relationships or potential relationships clearly. REMEMBER: this can go BOTH ways. If you see someone through rose colored glasses, you will ultimately be confronted with all the issues you are ignoring, excusing, or rationalizing away. On the flip side, you may choose partners who feel safe, aka toxic because that is what you are used to, and ultimately sabotage a relationship with the very type of person you wish to seek in a healthy way. Hopefully you will do neither of these things. But the likelihood is you will do both. So that is why we are here to chat. Reflect. Think. Because we all want the same thing: just to love and to be loved in return.