Let’s Change the Rules: How to Date Outside Your Type

hen I was engaging in my unhealthy, unhappy, and sometimes even abusive relationships, they all had something in common. For each one, there was this instant, almost combustible chemistry between my partner and myself. Call it sexual attraction, call it heavy infatuation, call it love at first sight — whatever you call it, it was this immediate attraction that felt undeniable.

So when I decided it was time to figure out what my problem was, heal from the past, and put myself in a better position to truly find the love I wanted, that instant chemistry stuck out to me. At first glance, that kind of instant chemistry seems like exactly what you’d want. But what if it was the whole problem, I wondered.

What if, in reality, that instant chemistry was part of the problem? What if it was blinding me to all the problems that would ultimately break us up? What if I stopped leaping to date guys I felt an instant, almost insatiable attraction to and instead started dating men that I had common interests with but didn’t feel that same instant mindblowing attraction to?

Would it make a difference? I tried it. And it did.

Which is why I want to help you do it too.

Learning how to date outside your type can open up new possibilities and help you find the love you’ve been looking for. Try these ways to get motivated, meet new people, and date outside the box.

Getting Motivated to Date Outside Your Type:

Evaluate your current dating patterns

If you want something different than your past relationships, change your thinking and develop new habits. Review the positive and negative aspects of your past love life so you can plan the future you want.

You have to know what you’re currently doing to know what needs to change — or what you want to change. You might not know exactly which thing(s) you want to change — but by knowing what you currently do, you can experiment and see how different changes impact your dating.

Establish priorities for what you’re looking for in a romantic relationship

Clarify your core values and aspirations to get a better idea of what really matters to you. Keep in mind that dating outside your type does not mean you have to sacrifice your beliefs or values.

For example, if it’s important to you that someone doesn’t smoke or they don’t have children, those should remain dealbreakers for you. But if you’re trying to date against your type, the fact that they’re shorter than you usually date or drive a car that’s older than you shouldn’t hold you back from giving them a shot.

Create a list of those core values and desires that you really want/need in a romantic relationship. Then use that list to determine whether someone may be a match for you. If it’s not on that list, and it’s not a true dealbreaker, then it should be irrelevant.

Shorten your checklist

Even if your standards are sensible, it’s practical to keep your checklist for a prospective mate as short as possible. You’ll give yourself more options to choose from and avoid missing out on opportunities that might enrich your life.

The problem is we’re told to think of our ideal mate. But when we think about our ideal anything, we go all out with a lengthy list of everything we’d really like that ideal to have. But too many “they should’s” can cause you to eliminate a huge group of people who might otherwise be a great match for you.

Again, use that list of core values and desires to determine if someone can be a match for you. Ask yourself if a particular requirement is truly a priority for you or if you’re just being picky. If you think you might be merely picky, try letting go of that requirement and see what happens.

Meeting New People Outside Your Type:

Visit some new places

If you want to meet a wider variety of people, put yourself in situations where you’ll run into them. Let friends know that you’d appreciate their help in broadening your horizons. Take advantage of events tied to your personal interests where you’re likely to meet people that enjoy the same things you do.

You can’t expect to meet someone sitting at home in your living room. True, you could try online dating — but even that requires you to leave home now and then to meet your matches. Why not do that anyway?

Make a list of hobbies and other things you enjoy, then look in your local area to see if there are groups or businesses that you could join to engage in those things. Be open to meeting people without any expectations.

Reach out to people

Challenge yourself to start conversations with strangers and to welcome their efforts to get to know you. Look for ways to volunteer assistance or offer sincere compliments. Express an interest in your surroundings and in what other people are doing.

This can be awkward, especially if you’re an introvert like me. But the more you put yourself out there like this, the more connections you’ll make. And the more connections you make, the more opportunities there are to end up meeting someone else who just might be right for you.

Who knows? Maybe the little old lady that you helped pick out the right bag of oranges for or the teen whose tire you helped change will have a cute relative they think you’d be perfect for!

Replace your filter

Make yourself conscious of times when you’re screening someone out as a potential date. Are you screening them out for good reasons, or are you falling into old habits that hold you back? For example, if you automatically reject anyone under 6 feet tall, give yourself a few minutes to form a more balanced set of expectations. The results may surprise you.

Even if you struggle to form that more balanced set of expectations, try resisting your first urge sometimes. Swipe right or accept the date from that person under 6 feet tall and see what happens. Go in with an open mind, determined to give them a fair chance.

You just might find that the person you initially weren’t attracted to and thought would never be a good match is the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life.

Cultivate a positive attitude

Focus on the pleasant aspects of any situation. You’ll feel more encouraged and project a more approachable demeanor.

This isn’t always easy, especially when the unpleasantness involves our work, personal relationships or something else personal to us. But if you can work on cultivating this positive attitude, at least when it comes to dating, you might be surprised at the difference it can make.

Try to laugh when a date goes wrong. See if you can find a lesson in any failed date that might help your next date be more successful. Don’t dwell on the negativity and how awful it was.

Dating People Outside Your Type:

Assess your efforts

When you start dating people outside your old comfort zone, reassure yourself by staying in touch with how you really feel. If you feel happy and notice positive changes in your behavior, you’re probably on the right track.

If you don’t feel happy or feel the changes aren’t positive, look at what you’re doing. Ask yourself what needs to change for you to feel happy and like you’re making positive changes. Then make that change.

Don’t be afraid to keep shaking things up until you’re able to say you’re happy with the way things are going.

Examine the reaction from your family and friends

If the people who love you are used to seeing you with extroverted corporate executives, they may be surprised if you show up with a quiet history professor. This surprise may not be a bad thing, though. See what they have to say. Are they happy for you? Concerned about this change? Something else?

Respect their advice but make up your own mind about what you want in a relationship. After all, as much as your family and friends may love you, they don’t have to live in your relationship. You do, however, so it’s ultimately your opinion about the relationship that matters.

Appreciate the learning process

Every experience is worthwhile if you learn from it and treat other people the way you would want to be treated. Even if it takes a while to find the partner you deserve, you can feel good about all the incremental steps you’re taking to improve your life.

By dating outside your type, you just might liberate yourself from old ways of thinking that get in the way of finding the kind of relationship you want. Challenge yourself to be open to new opportunities. After all, you may find the love you desire where you least expect it!

I’m Wendy Miller. I’m a freelance writer and self-care expert who helps people find their way in our modern world. I’ve been published on Her Track, Tiny Beans, and Thought Catalog. My work has been read by people from all over the world. I offer advice to parents on parenting, how to find relationships that work for them, and how to take care of themselves — because we’re all a work in progress!

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