Lesbian Erasure

This has been as striking year for me. In reality I have learned so much about myself as a black lesbian in her late 20’s. Exposed and open by my spiritual work I realize that I’ve been living on the DL ( down low) in ways that make me not as open to my own lesbian energy and not actualizing my desire for same-sex love.

On YouTube recently the universe brought me to Giselle Wallace. She is a gay life coach from Texas helping lesbians accept their sexuality, love themselves, and protect themselves from heartache for example from straight women crushes/ DL women. I learned recently about her , and the importance of living as a lesbian even within the heterosexual dominated world especially in regards to social norms, approaching, observing, and exposing yourself to potential lovers, and actively engaging in same gender loving spaces.

I started this post off saying I had been living on the DL, as I lesbian because I wasn’t safe enough to pursue love out loud especially due to family pressure to stay closeted. I spent years underground, repressing my desires for romantic love, and transforming them into obsessive delusions for unavailable women.

I spent my childhood, adolescence , and young adulthood ( being raised by all heterosexual people) trying to fit myself into theirs, playing the role of heterosexual male, and heterosexual female. I did this all leaving my true identity to yearn, being a puppet to what society brainwashed me to be: a religious, repressed, career chasing, follower, with the limiting beliefs that I had no self generated power, agency, and love.

When I played the heterosexual male role I would give my resources away too easily. I would believe the patriarchal lies that women should desire to please me intimately if I provided, protected, and showed up for them like a boyfriend. I believed my sexuality had to wait for an attractive woman with experience to come and fulfill it for me. In that “role” I led with dominance, fake confidence, and a distorted view of my body, basically feeling like a toxic man trapped in a woman’s body.

When I played the false role of a heterosexual female, I quickly befriended the first woman who showed me concern and interest. I became the best friend who straight girls shared their secrets, crushes, relied on, and “played” straight or asexual so that I did not threaten or confuse them with my truth. Being like other heterosexual females further repressed my sexuality, and it caused me to deny it, not pursue it on the social level, and put all of my energy overcompensating within academia, survival, career pursuits, healing work, and people pleasing family members and honestly shallow “fake” friends who used my kindness for their own power/ benefit crazily- while they had straight privilege over me.

Now, I will provide you an example of straight privilege. Unless someone discloses their sexuality specifically society teaches us to assume everyone is heterosexual, to expect it to be normal for a bride to want a groom, for women and men to have public displays of affection on the streets, and to be queer ( too sweet) growing up in my household ( even in the 2010’s) was a joke/ offensive to straight people, who felt like they needed to defend their heterosexuality against queerness.

That in itself is an act that can lead to lesbian erasure. When straight people try to create false assumptions and hold negativity and instigate bullying language about the LGBT community without any true knowledge and life experience as a queer individual the dominant sexuality ( in this case heterosexuals) perpetuate the normalization of the stigma and homophobia. Those actions try to silence and discourage queer individuals- leading to violence, and internal conflicts/ distortions.

I understand now how important it is to say I am a lesbian in community. To intentionally approach women that I would want to get to know better that are same-gender loving specifically, and also know that acting on my nature and desires -emotional, romantic, sexual, spiritual, intellectual, physical, relationships long term with the same sex is how I love myself.

A lot of times the narrative of being a lesbian is influenced by outside forces that are heterosexual and center heterosexuality in everything that they do ( without fully understanding how it’s supremacy in society harms and isolates queer people). When disclosure of someone’s sexual identity can cause you to get paid less, lose your job, have “friends” leave you, and family disown you that toll is a deep wound that only self love, and spirituality can heal. This healing as a lesbian may include dating same- sex partners to marry, understanding healthy communication between women, including sexuality, speaking and engaging in lesbian community that offers advice on love, sex, and dating issues. Having a queer social circle within a heterosexual dominant world is an act of self love. That is why the information provided specifically from a black lesbian life coach is so essential for all same- gender loving/ lesbian women to stay well, and see the how the caste system of Western societies seeks to erase its queer women of colors emotional, psychological, and financial wellbeing. But, a black lesbian life coach also can teach us how to enjoy the pleasure of romance and the peace that comes from living aligned, authentically and in true spirituality.

Belonging to the lesbian community means having a safe space to love in the physical world , to go for first kisses, to invest in yourself physically through exercise, group sports, and creative passions, to enjoy entertainment that mirrors relationships you would have including in musicians, artists, and movies, with lesbian/ queer actresses. I love who I am as a lesbian woman. Coming to love within myself and not just acceptance is all I need to move forward in life with hope and loving intentions. Currently, my loving intention is to live authentically, acting in resonance with my deepest desires, not taking action that would be disempowering or disrespectful to my own identity. Giselle Wallace has a book on Lesbian Erasure that I plan to buy and read. I also plan to live my life seriously as a lesbian in a way that is healthy, welcoming reciprocal relationships, for my highest good.