Leaving an abusive relationship is easy.

I was smitten and in love. I should have seen the signs, but I was so attracted to him, I wanted him and I ignored the signs. Little did I know that I'd go though so much abuse and hell over the next 3 years of my life from 2002/2003 to 2006ish. As time progressed, he started to get violent. I can't remember everything in exact order but I remember all of the shit he put me through.

I immediately fell for him. He was charming, cute, flirty and I wanted to date him. We were in grade 10 when we met. Things were wonderful in the beginning. We fell in love and everything was great, until it wasn't. I wasn't an angel! I had flaws and issues, however that didn't give him any reason to treat me the way he did.

First off, he basically cheated on me throughout our ENTIRE relationship... I can't even remember how many times we broke up and got back together. We briefly lived together after my son was born. I moved in and out 2-3 times. Our relationship was most definitely a toxic one.

Let me point out that you don't just leave an abusive relationship! It's NOT that easy. Until you've been in and experienced one, you have NO clue how hard it is.

There are different types of abuse, but that doesn't mean that they aren't all equally detrimental to one's mental health. There is emotional, mental/psychological, verbal, sexual, physical, cultural, financial/economical abuse. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past and I experienced every single one of these, except for cultural. There was a rude comment about 'white people' but that's it.

The financial/economical, cultural and sexual abuse weren't nearly as bad as the others. Financially I was the one making the most money and he would ask me to give him money to buy a joint for example. He also took my vehicle once, when he had no drivers licence and ran a red light causing me to get a ticket. I ended up paying for it because I didn't want to get him in trouble. Luckily it didn't hurt my driving record. I thought about reporting him, but I was afraid to get him into trouble, however I should have. This could have caused some serious financial issues for me. Sometimes he took the car without my knowledge, other times I knew about it but I was afraid to say no. One of the times he tried to take my car keys and he was drunk.

This is where things got physically abusive. I told him that he couldn't take it and a fight started and he started to get physical and tried to take my keys from me. I started to scream and tried to get out of the car with the keys. Luckily a friend of mine and his roommate happened to be arriving home and they seen what was going on. We were still in the car and one of the guys grabbed him and pulled him out of the car. There were punches and I was asking for them to stop. They knocked him to the ground and told them to never touch me again. He got up and took off. The next morning he came to my house and told me that if I had just given him my keys, none of this would have happened. He blamed it all on me and made me beg for his forgiveness and apologize. He manipulated me and made me feel like I was in the wrong. I was scared he might hurt me again, so I complied.

The sexual abuse - One time I refused to be intimate with him and he forced it upon me. Yes we were in a relationship, but I wasn't into being intimate with him in his grandparents house while we were sleeping in their living room and there were others sleeping in the same room within close proximity. He demanded that I be intimate with him. I felt horrible and disgusted. Even when you are in a relationship, it needs to be mutual, not one sided.

All of the things I mentioned above so far included some mental/emotional, physical and verbal abuse.

Another time during our relationship, I pissed him off one evening so he grabbed my ponytail from behind and pulled on it so hard I fell down into his lap as he fell too. I tried to get away and he pulled harder. When his mom came in the room to tell him to let me go, he said "no, she's being a fucking bitch and pissed me off. So this is what she deserves." I begged and cried and asked him to let go. He refused. Everytime I tried to move away, he just pulled harder. After about 10 minutes his friend showed up to his bedroom window and he said, "you're lucky he showed up." I got up and ran out of the room and ran home.

There was one point during our relationship that he tried to break up with me. I threatened to cut myself if he did it. He told me he was going to kill himself once, so I thought if he can do it and get attention, then so can I. I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut my arm. As soon as it happened I felt like an idiot and thought WTF did I just do. I screamed and my grandma and grandpa came to my room. He wasn't supposed to be there as he snuck in. I lied and said I didn't know how it happened and that it happened in my sleep. I ended up getting stitches for the first time. I never admitted this to many people before, but I was in such a royally fucked up relationship. I regretted doing it. I should have just let him end it. The next day I begged him to not break up with me.. I told him how much I couldn't live without him and I loved him. All of his manipulation and everything fucked me up and I was young and dumb. Now I have a scar to remind me of that moment for the rest of my life.

I ended pregnant when I was in grade 12 with his child. One night his friend called me saying that I needed to go and pick him up. I drove from Burnaby to Surrey and on the way back while driving over the Pattullo Bridge, he tried to jump out of the moving vehicle. His friends were in the back seat and had to hold him back. When we arrived home, he came and punched me in the stomach. It hurt, but the baby was ok. I did nothing wrong. All I did was pick his drunk ass up and bring him home and because I didn't let him jump out of the car, he got mad at me and punched me.

For a long time, I didn't defend or stand up for myself, but eventually I started to. I got tired of putting up with his shit! However, he just got more violent.

One night I went to his house and we got into a fight. I believe it was around the subject of him cheating. He resulted to violence and grabbed me to try and throw me out, so I started to hit and fight back. I should have just left, but I was tired of him hitting me and abusing me. I didn't get seriously hurt, but he ended up calling the cops and telling everyone I beat him up - this gave me a little satisfaction. The cops put a no contact order in place. The following day, he came up to me at school and spat in my face and my friend's face. We didn't talk for a few days, but I found out that I was pregnant and we got back together. - I know what a stupid reason to get back together, but I was in love with him and pregnant with his child and of course he apologized and roped me back in. Unfortunately I lost some friends as a result of this. Part of me regrets taking him back this time. I did consider raising my child on my own, but his manipulation and head games kept me coming back.

After he punched me in the stomach when I was newly pregnant, he wasn't really abusive towards me physically. Of course he was still emotionally and mentally abusive. He left town for 6 months and cheated on me. We broke up for 5 of those months. He'd call me drunk and tell me he loved me and missed me, but I refused to take him back. Eventually I stopped talking to him, until he came back. He came back a week before I had my son. Things were good, well they appeared to be good for a while. I thought we would be ok. After my son was born he told me he regretted cheating on and hurting me, that he truly loved me and that he wanted to marry me. I truly thought he meant it. Until he started drinking heavily and using drugs, which I didn't find out until after we broke up for the last time.

The last physical altercation was one of the worst. I got a call at work from his friend telling me that he was drunk and passed out on the pavement outside. Once I was done my shift, I went to pick him up. When we got home, he went to lay in bed. My son had been born by this time and was between 9 and 12 months old. He climbed up onto the bed and onto his dad's back. His dad sat up and threw him off of his body. I said, "what the fuck are you doing, you're going to hurt him!" He said, "we get him the fuck out of here." I told him that he can't treat his kid that way. He got mad and told me to get out of the room. I refused at first, but then he got up, grabbed my arm and pushed me across the room and I fell. Luckily I didn't get hurt. I got up and left the room and went into his sister's room. He came in the room and walked back out twice. He came back in a third time with a hunting knife in his hand and came towards me with it. I screamed his mom's name and said, "HE'S GOT KNIFE!" He was standing by the door so I couldn't get out. I was going to try and jump out the window because I was scared he was actually going to stab me, but the windows had been painted shut. His stepdad came running in and grabbed him by the neck and pulled him back. I was able to push passed him, grabbed my son and ran down the street in my bare feet to a strangers house, bawling my eyes out and asking them to call the cops.

Once the cops came and arrested him, I went back to pack my stuff. I had just moved back in as I moved out because we broke up and got back together. The cops asked me if I wanted to press charges and I said NO! Who the hell says NO after someone comes at you with a knife?! A person who is terrified to press charges and piss the person off. Luckily they put a restraining order in place, which I still have to this day. It was a no contact order for myself and my son.

That night I went to stay at a friends house because he didn't know where she lived and I didn't want him to come and find me. He got out of jail the next day and called me. I ignored it. At this point I was done with him. I wanted NOTHING to do with him. He left me a voicemail begging and pleading for me to forgive him. He said how sorry he was and how he would never really hurt me and that he missed me and our son. He was so sweet, loving and compassionate about everything and like an idiot I went back. We snuck around so no one would know right away.

Within the next 3 months, he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said he just needed to be single for a while. However, he just broke up with me so he could be with someone else. But because we had a kid together, I still seen him often. We'd even still sleep together and he'd still tell me he loved me. One day about 2-3 months after we broke up, we were driving back to my house from Burnaby to Surrey and he said, "why can't I just be with both of you?" I was like WTF! I told him I didn't want to share him. He said, "well if you agree and she doesn't, then you'll have me all to yourself." He said, "I love you both." It was then in that very moment that I finally realized I was DONE with him. Him being with her was my way out! I told him I didn't love him anymore. He didn't believe me. I knew that this was the end. I felt a sense of relief in saying that. I felt free. When we got back to my house, he tried to sleep with me again and I said "no!" I told him he had to leave and it was really over and that he wasn't welcome at my house again.

One day while I wasn't home, he came by and left a stuffed animal at the door. I looked for a new place and moved shortly after because I didn't want him showing up at my house anymore. I was DONE with him. It was OVER! I was free of him. So once I moved, I didn't tell him where I lived. The only time we seen each other was when I dropped my son off and picked him up after work or in a public place like a mall or restaurant. I refused to be anywhere alone with him.

Shortly after this, he told me he was selling drugs. I told him he had to choose drugs or his kid. He chose to sell drugs. Remember that restraining order from when he tried to stab me? Well the only way it will ever go away is if he applies to have it removed, which he has not done to this day. So because I had this, I told him he was no longer going to see his son. He had promised to sell some Cannabis for a friend a few years prior and would pay the guy back when he came back from being out of town. Well he never paid the guy back. Luckily the guy just let it go and let him be, but because he had screwed someone over, I didn't trust him or his judgement anymore. As a result, he didn't see his kid until he was about 3-4ish years old. When we stopped contact, Jordan was about 1.5 years old. He had gotten his shit together, had a stable job at this point and a second child. So I allowed him to see his son with me there and we were never alone. Eventually I let my son have sleepovers. This last for about a year and then he went back to his old ways and told me was going to start dealing again. So I stopped all contact again. He didn't know where I lived still so it made things easy.

The last time he seen his son was when he was 5 years old. He used to call me high and drunk all the time. I told him that if he wanted to see his son that he had to prove he could be a responsible adult; he needed to have a stable living situation, stable job and he needed to financially help me to support our child. From the time Jordan was 5 until he was 10 years old, I kept trying to get him to get his shit together and he would say things like, "you're so immature! Stop being such a nag! Stop being such a bitch. You're still in high school." All because I told him if he wanted to be in his son's life he had to prove those things to me.

I even took him to court to file for sole custody and sole guardianship when he was around 5-6 years old. I was terrified that he'd try to fight me for custody. I was still afraid of him getting his way because of the manipulation. Luckily, he never showed up, so I automatically got sole custody and sole guardianship! I have gone to court twice and he has never shown up, EVER! He has never even tried to remove the restraining order, nor has he tried to fight to see his son. He just blamed me for everything. It's my fault he doesn't see his son.

When Jordan turned 10, I went to court for child support. I gave him all those years to do it on his own and life with a growing pre-teen was getting expensive and I had had enough of waiting. After he had his 4th child, I thought if he can keep having kids and providing for them, then he could provide for his oldest. He now has 6 children. I went to court again, which I had to go and get approval to serve him via Facebook and registered mail. There were errors with the documents so he had more than 30 days to reply. He didn't. So now he is forced to pay through the government. I am lucky if I get consecutive payments. Anyways. I got fed up with his shit and decided that my son deserved better. He once told me that he would pay child support but didn't have time for his child because he was trying to get custody of his 2nd and 3rd child. I said, "so they are more important?" and his response was, "YES!"

When I lived with him, I felt like I had no control over my kid. One time J said, "I want my mommy." His grandmother said, "mommy's not the boss, I am." If I said no to his siblings doing something, she'd over throw my power as his parent and basically control the situation. So when I finally realized I could take back that control, I did.

My ex suffered trauma and abuse as a child, so naturally he followed in those footsteps and became an abusive person. He refused help and never dealt with his shit. And I suffered a lot in those 3 years from all of his abuse.

Some of you reading this are probably like WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with this chick?! She's an idiot for not leaving him! She's an idiot for staying. I said the same thing when a girl in high school told me she was in an abusive relationship. I didn't call her an idiot, but I did ask her why she didn't leave him. She said, "it's not as easy as you think!" And let me tell you, she was right!

As I mentioned at the beginning, leaving a toxic, abusive relationship is not easy. Abusive partners are narcissistic, manipulative and they know how to make you feel like you are the reason for their behaviour. That if you had just 'behaved' or just did what they asked, they never would have treated you that way. They tell you they love you, that they won't do it again, that they promise they won't hurt you. He used to also tell me that no one else would love me like him, that no one else would want me because I was damaged. For the longest time I was afraid to leave, because of the abuse. Because he knew where I lived. Because when we broke up, he'd show up at my house and wouldn't leave me alone. So when he chose someone else, I knew I could be set free from him.

At Christmas 2010, he called me telling me he made a huge mistake! He told me I was the best thing to ever happen to him and that he still loved me. It was honestly really satisfying to say, "I don't love you. I have moved on."

Even though the relationship was over, it still affected me for a long time. I have serious trust issues. I would pick stupid fights to see what reaction I'd get, sometimes I wouldn't even consciously realize what I was doing until later on and would regret my behaviour. I'd wish I had handled or reacted to the situation differently. I was super jealous. I just wanted someone to love me. My ex told me no one would ever love me and for a long time when I relationship fell apart, I still believed that. I didn't feel like anyone would truly want me or love me.

I was in 2 semi-serious relationships after him and I was broken. There was one time when my grandma knew I was upset as she always knew when there was something wrong. I told her that the person I was with at the time didn't love him, but I loved him. She said, well if he doesn't love you then he doesn't deserve you. I told her that I didn't think anyone could ever love me because if they did, why didn't he. She assured me that that was not true and told me that one day I will find someone who truly loved me and felt the same way about me that I did about them.

After my last relationship didn't work out, I realized I needed time for me. I needed to just be single and be a mom to my 2 kids (I had a second kid with this relationship). I realized I was so fucked up from my son's dad and the shit I went through that I didn't love myself enough and I needed to find myself. I needed to forgive the abuser for everything he did and how he treated me. I didn't forgive him for him, I forgave him for me. Because that was the only way I would be able to move on. I will never forget the things I went through. There was a lot more drama and shit that went on throughout our relationship, but the things mentioned were the worst; the things that I have never forgotten, the things that will always stay with me. However I was finally ready to move on.

As you can see, there was quite a bit of abuse. I recently watched a video of Melissa Benoist (Supergirl) and she spoke up about an abusive relationship that she was in. I wrote this because I know like her and myself that there are more people out these being abused by their partners. It's mostly woman who are abused, but not always, sometimes men get abused as well. My family knew he wasn't good for me and some family members would not come around if he was there because they hated him for how he treated me. Luckily they didn't just cut me out of their lives, but they did make it apparent that they didn't like him.

Being in a relationship like this is scary. I tried to help him. I thought I could change him and make him 'better', but that is not what happened. Things just progressively got worse. He said to me at one point, "if we stayed together, I eventually would have killed you!" That is not something you want to hear, but I am glad it ended. I was so glad when it was over.

In 2010, I met the man I am now married to. He is the one that helped me realize that I was in fact WORTH being loved. He stuck around through all the bulllshit and dealt with me at my worst. On our first date, we talked about our past relationships and he knew right from the get go that I had been in an abusive and toxic relationship. I have learned to not be so angry anymore, I am more trusting than I was when we met. I can tell you it wasn't easy to get here.. I struggled.... A LOT! But despite all of those struggles, the drama and all of that shit I was still dealing with, he never left my side. I am grateful that I found someone who was able to see past the bullshit and love me for me.

As my friend Amy used to say, "Never settle for anyone that treats you anything less than a princess!" She was totally right!

Ladies who are out there struggling, trying to change him, trying to make him be the person you dreamed he would be.. STOP! He (or she) isn't going to change. I know it's not easy! I've been there! I've made STUPID decisions, but I got out! You can leave! I tried to get my ex to go to rehab and meetings and he refused and said he didn't have a problem. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! YOU DO NOT deserve to be treated like trash!! It took me way too long to leave and I never should have taken him back. Had I not found out I was pregnant, I would probably not have gone back, but I can't be certain about. I wish I didn't go back. I have raised my son on my own since he was basically 1.5 - 2 years old (without him father). There are places you can go to get away from your abuser. Places where you can and will be safe.

My biggest fear is that my son would hate me for keeping him away from his father. As my son grew older, he started asking questions. At first I just told him his dad was dealing with some stuff and couldn't be apart of his life. Then there came a point where he started asking me questions and I am not the type to hold anything back, nor tell him a lie. I figured if he was old enough to ask the appropriate questions, he was old enough to hear the answer; the truth. He is now 14.5 years old and knows EVERYTHING about the relationship between his father and I. He knows that the things I told him were true because he has seen proof. He has read the conversations between his father and I. Not only that, but he has seen first hand how much of a 'role model' his father is. One could argue that I am the problem, that I kept my son away from him. I did it to protect him. However, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!! Jordan hasn't seen his father since he was 5 years old. He has spoken on the phone to his father ONCE since then and it was the most awkward conversation. I had to whisper to him telling him what to say. Since that one time, he hasn't called J or messaged him or anything. The last message he sent him was to say he missed J and that he wanted him to come spend time with him in the summer. Jordan hasn't seen him or spoken to him in YEARS. He is a stranger to him.

The reason I brought this up is because even though the relationship was over, I was still putting up with his shit. I was still in contact with him and still being blamed for EVERYTHING! I am the immature one who was keeping him from his kid. The thing is that he could have fought for him and he didn't. This is the ONE thing that bothers me. He could have taken me to court. He could have tried harder, but he didn't. He just made me look like the asshole. 6 kids later and he still doesn't have his shit together.

A month or so ago, I told Jordan he had a new sibling and the words that followed shocked me, "Mom, I don't want to hear about them or talk about them anymore!" I would always tell him when I would hear about things just so he was kept in the loop, because I never wanted to keep anything from him. The sad part is that the rest of his dad's family hasn't ever really been an active part of his life. I kept those relationships going. I even told them that if they wanted to be apart of his life, they had to show it.. with their ACTIONS. When he made the comment, he decided he wanted to cut ties with the entire family. It actually broke my heart, but it also gave me relief. I didn't have to try anymore. I did my part to try and keep the relationships going. It's sad, but he made the decision on his own. And he knows that I kept trying to keep those relationships alive. He knows that I did it for him. A mother never wants to see her child hurting. At one point when my son was younger (between the ages of 5-8 - I don't remember the exact age) he said, "I don't feel loved!" Any mother's heart would sink into her chest if she heard that. I asked why and he said, "because no one loves me. My dad's family doesn't love me!" I said, "You are LOVED! I love you, JD (stepdad) loves you, grandma and grandpa love you (and everyone else who was a close part of his life.. I named them..lol). You are loved. Sometimes you can't force people to love you or be apart of your life and that is okay. You are so loved! Don't you ever forget that!" He seemed to find comfort in that. He knew who was and has been there for him throughout his 14.5 years of life and if you asked him, he'd tell you he has all the love and people in his life that he needs.

Having a child with an abusive partner is not an easy thing. I love my child more than words could ever possibly explain. He was the best thing that came out of that relationship. I am glad that I had that restraining order so I could protect myself and my child. Had I not, who knows what kind of situation I would have been in. Not having to see him or talk to him has made things much easier.

I will NEVER forget the shit he put me through. I will never forget the abuse I put up with. I have come such a long way. I got through it. If you are with an abusive partner, you need to realize your worth and get out! As hard as it is, there is much more support and help in today's world. There are people out there who will help you get away from your abuser. Once mine wasn't aware of where I lived, it made things so much easier. You may have to move, change jobs, switch your kids schools, but you'll be thankful you did.

Below are some articles on abuse that I wanted to share.

I hope that when you read this story, that you can relate, find comfort and even leave that toxic relationship so that you can live the life you were meant to live; the live you truly deserve. If you have kids, they too deserve the same.

Thanks for reading.

If you liked this story, please share and spread some love.

xoxo

Aly

Articles: - I can relate to A LOT of the things said in these articles.

Global News posted an article titled, "Emotional abuse isn’t always obvious: You start to think something is wrong with you!" I'm going to post the link to this article below, but I'm also going to share a few quotes from the article. Here are a few that stuck out to me:

* “It leaves you feeling like you’re at fault and you’re doing something wrong … when you’ve really done nothing wrong,” she said. “There’s a lot of blame and shame causing the other person to feel guilt and a lot of entrapment where you can’t get out, either.”

*Bhatia said the signs of emotional abuse can include things like the abuser attempting to invalidate you, trying to control you or placing unrealistic demands on you. “[This can also include] being argumentative, name-calling, attempts to act superior and ‘better’ than you,” he said. “All of these serve to make the victim feel less than and inferior.”

*“Constant emotional abuse negatively impacts self-esteem, self-worth and sense of self,” Bhatia said.

*“It can lead to feelings of worthlessness, powerlessness, hopelessness and helplessness, and is linked with depression, anxiety, and health problems.”

Here is the link to the article which was written by Arti Patel from Global News on December 21, 2019.

Link: https://globalnews.ca/news/6309202/what-is-emotional-abuse/?utm_medium=Facebook&utm_source=GlobalBC

** How to get out of an Abusive Relationship: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

** Abusive Relationships and Why it's so Hard to Leave: http://theconversation.com/abusive-relationships-why-its-so-hard-for-women-to-just-leave-93449