Learning To Overcome Shame

I want you to go back to a time when you did something you were ashamed of. It could be a time when you had broken a promise or an instance where you may have hurt someone close to you.

A time when, if you were able to reverse time, you would do things differently in a heartbeat. Was it a recent occurrence or did it happen some time ago? I’ll give you a few seconds.

Do you have one?

It’s likely it probably didn’t take too long for a scenario to pop up in your head. Whenever we do things we consider shameful, many have a desire to hide it away. A desire to bury it deep in our psyche in an attempt to detach ourselves from that situation. But as you can see, that feeling always seems to remain and can be brought to the surface instantly.

As well as feeling ashamed, I often felt embarrassed and guilty. That if anybody were to find out then I would be seen as a horrible or disgusting person. It is those feelings that made me believe that my shame was better off hidden from the world.

What I, and many other people, fail to understand is that when our shame is hidden away in the darkness, that is the perfect environment for it to fester and grow. Over time, our internal thoughts begin to reflect the toxic nature of our shame.

For me, my shame made me feel unworthy. I felt unworthy of love, success and friendship. I felt like a terrible person and, what’s worse, is that I believed I deserved to feel that way.

For some, the shame they feel is not derived from their own actions but the actions of others towards them. For as long as they can remember, they’ve been scrutinised. Been told they’re not good enough or they’ll never achieve anything.

Lies like these can be hurtful, especially when it comes from someone you love and care for, like a partner or family member. When it comes from them, it can be hard not to internalise those words and begin to believe in yourself.

When we hold onto our shame, it can become a heavy weight to bear. It affects our jobs and our relationships. Even our ability to relax and have fun. It’s exhausting and for a long time, I didn’t know how to alleviate that weight.

In my experience, the turning point is when I simply reached out for help. I say simply but it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. To finally be vulnerable about things I’ve kept secret for so many years. To confess something I always believed would never see the light of day.

Although it was incredibly uncomfortable, as soon as I had laid it all out it was like I could feel that weight hoisted off my shoulders.

While it was very helpful, this was not the cure. Being open didn’t eradicate my shame or my embarrassment. It simply shone a light on the issue. But at that moment, it was enough.

Reaching out for support opened the doors to self-compassion and self-awareness. It has become slightly easier to replace the voice of condemnation with a voice of encouragement in my mind. Shame is like a vampire. It loves the darkness but as soon as you expose it to the light, it withers away.

I understand the journey is not the same for everyone. I was fortunate to have compassionate parents that I could turn to, a privilege I’m sure many others don’t share. I can empathise with how it can feel when you believe you have no one to turn to.

What has helped me in the past is writing down my thoughts and feelings. It has become such a great outlet for me to be honest with myself and get those emotions out in a healthy way. It was one of the main reasons I started to publish my writing on websites like this.

It helped me become aware of how I talk to myself and taught me how to observe my thoughts rather than react to them. If you haven’t already, give it a try and see how it helps.

At the end of the day, our shame doesn’t get to define us. Every single person on earth has flaws. If we didn’t then we wouldn’t be human. You have every right to feel compassion for yourself. You don’t have to carry this weight around forever.

“Fear not, you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of your widowhood”

-Isaiah 54:4