Learning to Live

I was afraid of so much. Afraid to make the wrong move, say the wrong word, or even look the wrong way. When they say it feels like you're walking on eggshells, that's exactly what it feels like. Every single action is under a microscope and there's no way out.

I was afraid to miss a phone call, even if I was doing something important or productive. How dare I not be there waiting on his beckoning call? How dare I forget to turn the volume up on my phone before washing the dishes? 2 day fight.

I was afraid to want to eat my dinner while it was still hot. "We are supposed to let it cool down before we eat it." That was code for, 'I need 20 more minutes on this video game before I'll go eat the food you just spent an hour making for me.' 20 minutes of silence.

I was afraid to take a shower. If I turned him down one time to shower together, I shouldn't ever want to shower on my own anymore. How dare I try to sneak a shower in when he wasn't home? Year long fight.

I was afraid to break or spill something. I couldn't make a mistake. It was the worst thing in the world if I spilled a drink on the floor, or dropped a glass when I was washing dishes. But he could break anything he wanted. 30 minutes of silence.

I was afraid to have an opinion. Who was I to offer a suggestion on how to help his daughter with her homework? Who was I to say I didn't like the 90lb dog sleeping on the bed at night? Who was I to want one night off from cooking dinner? 3 day fight.

I was afraid to leave work a few minutes late. How dare I want to take a few minutes to chat with my coworkers, my friends, at the end of the day before coming straight home? How dare I not text or call him as soon as I leave work saying that I'm on my way home? 4 hour fight.

I was afraid to leave work early. I wanted to come home on my lunch break on his day off and spend some time with him, but what's the point of spending only 40 minutes together? Why bother driving all the way home to see each other? What's the point of a romantic gesture? 6 hour fight.

I was afraid to look at an attractive actor on TV. How dare I ever look at another man? How dare I be shocked by the attractiveness of an actor on a new show? 10 day fight and we never watch that show again.

I learned to be quiet.

I learned to hide my facial expressions.

I learned to do as I was told without questioning it.

I learned to monitor everything I did with extreme attention to detail.

I learned to live a life in fear. Without friends or family. Only him.

But I was wrong. He was wrong. That life was wrong.

It's hard to recover from a life in fear. It's hard to retrain your brain that you don't need to be afraid anymore. It's hard to learn that being independent, having opinions, doing what you want to do is okay.

Today has been 3 years since I left him and started living. My life is completely different. New state, new job, new man, and now a baby coming soon. It's crazy to remember that it's only been 3 years. It feels like 3 lifetimes ago.

I still struggle sometimes, to not live in fear.

I forget that it's okay to miss his call every now and then if I'm busy. I forget he won't yell at me for running a few minutes late after work. I forget that he loves that I have friends. I forget that it's okay for me to have opinions and express them out loud.

The man I have today is amazing. He's supportive, understanding, and everything I need. He makes me laugh and we even have playful arguments, which I never knew were even a thing. I've found the most incredible man; he's my real soul-mate.

I'm so blessed to have him today, but I never would have found him if I hadn't made the move to leave that situation. I never would have found my soulmate without first stepping out on my own to learn how to be my own person.

Sure it was difficult, and scary as hell. I didn't have anywhere to go. I lived in a motel for weeks until I found an apartment that would take me. The smallest apartment I've ever seen, in a scary part of town, an hour from my job. But it was mine. I was independent.

I learned to have friends. I stayed a few minutes late after work and suddenly my coworkers became lifelong friends. Suddenly I wasn't working to live. I was enjoying myself, going out with friends, learning more about my community and myself. I learned how to live.

And then I met him. My actual soulmate. Now, I know what it really means to be loved, wanted, blessed.