"Lady, are you still dying": a married woman's dogged marriage

A lot of women enter into marriage with good illusions about marriage, but it doesn't take long to realize that illusions are just illusions, and eventually they are going to be shattered.

This is not the case, a girlfriend who has been married for just over two months is recently experiencing the reality of marriage.

What has happened? Let's take a look:

Hello Sister.

I met my husband on September 18, at a party, and I had a good conversation, so I added Wechat.

I felt that he was very sincere and practical and that he would be a good father and husband to me, so we got together.

The first time we got together, we couldn't stop talking about how sweet it was.

The change in our relationship happened last September when I celebrated my birthday and we had a conflict over the birthday gift, the breakup was initiated by him.

Later, my mother-in-law gave him a thought and asked me to call my husband again. On the phone, we didn't say much in response to this conflict, he just said that I can't have this kind of thing happen again in the future and that he won't forgive me the second time.

In fact, at that time I did not think it was my problem, think about all the reconciliation, there is no need to be calculating, quarrel this thing also turned over.

We got married in July this year. We are both financially well-off, and apart from that fight, we have always had a good relationship. So I always thought that we would be very happy after the wedding.

But in reality, we had just been married for a week when we started arguing over some minor matters.

I was particularly unhappy when my husband would tell my mother-in-law every time we quarreled and she would say things about me that were not true.

For the next month, my husband and I continued to be at odds, and every time we argued, either I would explain while he was talking, or he would explain while I was talking.

It felt like we were saying our things, and no one was listening to anyone. And every time we had a conflict, my mother-in-law would get involved.

Once my mother-in-law scolded me, saying that I didn't know any better, that I didn't let his son get away with it, and that I didn't care about him.

I was spoiled at home, so I couldn't take that kind of aggression. I packed my things and went back to my mother's house that day, without telling my husband. After my parents understood the situation, they supported me to come back to live with them first.

During the month that I was back, I waited for my husband to call me, waiting for him to apologize to me. But my husband thinks it's my fault that I left the house without him, so he's been unwilling to come out to solve the problem, and it's always my mother-in-law who sends word.

Yesterday, my mother-in-law called me again and told me that my husband no longer wanted to talk to me about my angry return to my mother's house.

Because of this incident, my husband also has a problem with my mother-in-law.

I'm not sure whether to go home or get a divorce, but my mother-in-law told me to make a decision as soon as possible, saying that time will not do anyone any good.

On the one hand, I don't know how to answer my mother-in-law; on the other hand, there is no way for me to explain to my parents when I go back; another problem is that my husband and I are in conflict, and my mother-in-law always tells me to go back, but my husband has never taken a stand either.

When I read your articles recently, I feel that my husband and my mother-in-law have a symbiotic relationship. My husband's father died a long time ago, and my mother-in-law only has eyes for my husband; she always serves him meals and gives him food.

He never said "I can't finish it if it's too much" or "it's not enough if it's too little", nor did he ever serve his food.

To be honest, I sometimes feel like an outsider.

Anyway, I find that the conflicts in my marriage are getting bigger and bigger, so big that I have no way to resolve them myself.

I lived with my grandparents when I was a child and I was very close to my grandfather. I used to talk to him about everything and he was a very wise man who always gave me good advice.

But now that he's older, I don't want to bother him about my marriage.

My thoughts are so confused now that I don't even know what I have just said. Sister Bin bin, what should I do next? Can you help me?

Reply

In most people's perception, marriage represents a happy ending, and many movies and fairy tales also instill such values.

I think you are more or less influenced by this, which is why you have a lot of beautiful fantasies about marriage.

But the truth is, as you feel now, that marriage is only the beginning of a relationship and there is still a lot of bonding to be done to make it work.

Let me make three points through your question.

The first point is that it is good to fight and not to condemn yourself to temporary peace.

It is a technical task for couples to fight. If you fight right, not only will it not hurt your feelings, but you will also get closer and closer. In other words, it's good to be able to argue.

This is supported by marriage expert John Goth man, who has done research on the subject and found that the 'temporary pain' experienced by partners in an argument is beneficial to the relationship in the long run.

Let's go back to your first fight. You reached out to your husband after a period of the cold war. From your husband's attitude, it seems that he felt it was entirely your fault, but for you, you didn't think so.

And you thought at the time that since you had made up, there was "no need to be critical".

But, although you have made up, your conflict has not been resolved.

The fact that you've backed off has made your relationship less fractious for the time being, but it's also because you've backed off that your relationship hasn't gone any deeper.

Because the point of a quarrel is that every friction and pain between two people is a defining perception of self.

In other words, it's when two people go through many conflicts and fights, and it becomes clear who is letting who take a step in this matter and who is letting who take a step in that matter, and eventually, the two people come to an agreement.

And in the process, the two people will also get to know and tolerate each other more and more, and the relationship will naturally continue to deepen.

And the price you pay for backing down is that by the time you step into marriage and you have a conflict between you, your husband is waiting for you to give in.

That's the first thing I'll tell you about fighting: it's good to fight, don't condemn yourself to a temporary peace.

The second point is to communicate directly.

You and your husband always have conflicts involving your mother-in-law, and this time the trigger for going back to your mother's house was also your mother-in-law interfering too much and scolding you for being too protective of your son.

On the one hand, you suffer from your mother-in-law's anger, on the other hand, your husband is inconsiderate and instead thinks it's your fault for leaving home without communicating with him.

You keep waiting for your husband to call, expecting him to air all your grievances and grievances. But here's the problem, you never tried to call your husband voluntarily to voice your grievances.

Whether you feel that taking the initiative to call is giving in or whatever, the result is that you have no direct communication.

You may also assume that your husband should know why you are angry, assuming that he understands your thinking, feelings, and needs.

But the truth is clear that unless you take the initiative to speak up, it's really hard for others to understand all your feelings and thoughts at the moment.

So the most practical solution to the marital problems you are facing is to communicate directly, rather than letting your mother-in-law, who loves to be involved in your married life, take the lead.

Direct communication means expressing what you see, what you think, what you feel, and what you need when you communicate.

What you see is what you observe, there is no speculation, no conclusion, what you share is a fact. "This is lipstick", that is what is seen.

what is thought is what you think, "take this lipstick home", this is what you think and intend to do.

"Tomorrow morning I'll turn around wearing this lipstick and I'll be happy all day", that's what is felt, it's how you feel in the moment, including your emotions. It is what emotions this thing brings up in you.

"I want to be able to achieve lipstick freedom", or "I want to use more ways to give myself new energy to stay in shape, like lipstick", then this is actually what you need, what you want.

The purpose of expressing what you see, think, feel and need in response to your conflict is what you have against what's happening, what that means, and what you need someone to do.

Talk to your husband about it all. This way the two can have real communication.

The third point I talk about is the symbiotic relationship issue you mentioned at the end of the article.

Sister Binbin thinks your perception is quite good. By reading the public article, you can find out what the problem is with your mother-in-law and husband.

But listen carefully to what I am going to say next: you and your grandfather are also in a symbiotic relationship to a certain extent.

You need to listen to your grandfather's advice on any problems in your life. Now that your grandfather is older, you don't want to annoy him, and when you get into trouble, you find that you don't have a can' to bless anymore, or rather, you are habitually seeking advice from others.

Now, for example, you want to ask me "what should you do" and want me to show you the way.

At the moment you trust me and want me to show you the way, you have transferred your "symbiotic relationship" with your grandfather to me.

Turning back to your husband, he is facing the same "symbiotic relationship" problem as you are. In the past, when your husband had problems, it was always your mother-in-law who solved them, even when serving rice.

Think about it, the first time you fought, apart from the role of your mother-in-law, did you take the initiative to solve the problem?

And this time he also used to wait for you to take the initiative to solve the problem, just like you have a problem that you can't face waiting for your husband to take the initiative to talk to you, waiting for grandpa, or waiting for Sister Bin bin to show you the way is the same.

So in fact, when Sister Bin bin just gave you advice, she would also be a little hesitant.

What you are facing now is you taking the initiative to take responsibility for yourself, instead of thinking "I can't explain to my parents" and "my thoughts are too confused and I need Sister Bin bin's advice, and then follow Sister Bin bin's advice".

Try to ask yourself what you think and how you want to solve it.

If you feel that Sister Bin bin's advice is helpful, tell yourself when you do it, "I decided to do this, I don't have to answer for anyone, I have to give myself an explanation and take responsibility for what I did.