Know thyself

I oftentimes hear that people do not know what they want, and it usually sounds like a judgment of some kind, whether aimed at others or at oneself. What I came to understand as a result of therapy, is that a lot of the time this happens due to unmet needs; very basic psychological developmental needs that we are often not even consciously aware of having once we ‘grow up’.

Metaphorically speaking, they are the very foundation one needs to have in order to build the rest of the house - a healthy personality. Once that is in its place, knowing what one truly wants will arise organically. The problem is that for a lot of people, it is hard to know what those needs even are , to acknowledge and name them, let alone to find healthy ways of meeting them. If something was chronically out of reach during one’s formative years, it simply gets exiled out of one’s conscious awareness, as if one doesn’t have this need at all. You do not know what you do not know, and do not have the words to express it either. The system simply does its best to survive and adapt to the circumstances and the environment it finds itself in.

But the unmet needs don’t just disappear, and our subconscious will always try to meet them, usually in maladaptive ways , since we don’t know how to identify and directly ask for what we need.

Some of the examples of those developmental needs are - safety, protection, support, compassion, presence, attunement, healthy mirroring. If one learned to be without all of the above, it is a brilliant adaption in order to survive, but not thrive. If one was chronically not seen and heard, if one was shamed while expressing themselves; their true essence - the part that holds their heart’s true desires, will be temporarily on mute so to speak. Other parts will be in charge, parts created in order to adapt and survive the environment where one’s needs do not matter. Those parts are called ‘managers’ in the IFS (Internal Family systems) therapy modality, and they are managing our lives indeed.

Hence why, it is easy to see how knowing what one truly wants cannot even enter the picture, unless the above is taken care of.

So what is the solution? Getting to know oneself, one’s needs and feelings and finding the ways to meet them. In fact, this process can be another exercise in creativity - “how can I meet my unmet childhood needs now?”

There is a reason why the phrase “Know Thyself” was written in the Delphi oracle’s temple. Truly knowing oneself is the most important knowledge and understanding one can gain in their lifetime. The external search is of a lesser importance, and can sometimes even serve as a distraction, a way to avoid meeting and facing oneself. Even something as sacred as spirituality can be utilised in order to achieve the above mentioned effect of avoidance. This happens a lot with the phenomena called ‘the spiritual bypassing’, something I actively engaged in myself once upon a time.

Identifying and meeting one’s needs is a far less glamorous process on its face value, compared to becoming one with the Universe and ceasing to have human needs and wants. Being human can at times be messy and painful, and it is very tempting to try to avoid dealing with all that.

That is why you oftentimes see very spiritually and intellectually gifted people, who at the same time are very emotionally immature and are lacking self-awareness . While a society as a whole, tends to value the physical and intellectual above the emotional and spiritual , the spiritual circles in turn are prone to value spiritual above everything else. Of course, none of those end up being balanced solutions that address a whole human, and not just some of his aspects.

This need for balance and the integration of Heaven and Earth is eloquently communicated by the following quote:

“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.”

― Carl Jung