Journey Within

The story of me basically wraps around who I loved, how I loved and why I loved. I've only genuinely loved two people so far, apart from family that is. His name was Ian and her name was Claire.

Ian taught me that it doesnt matter what people think about you and to keep your truth alive. Claire taught me how to love myself and others. She taught me boundaries and how to connect with my Inner Child. I didnt learn these things by watching Ian not care about others opinions about himself. In fact, he was very self conscious and a big people pleaser. Claire and I didnt have boundaries and the ones she had she wasnt very consistent with. However I did watch Claire love herself and watching her love herself helped me to love myself and others, as well. I thank her for that.

Both of them taught me these oh so very important lessons by spreading rumors about me and violating my boundaries. These are very, very important people in the eyes of a girl with a dormant power and a flame the size of another person -any person even- in her heart.

This is a story about that girl, me, and how I used my negative and traumatic events and turned them into something great, something positive, something more me.

I was bullied all throughout Elementary. I was apart of the "popular" crowd. My first Bullying moment was when this girl named Molly invited me to her house in the 3rd grade and asked me if I knew what the word "Lesbian" meant. We eventually searched for videos on Youtube for my benefit since I was Clueless. The word sounded foreign. I knew what sex and gay was, but didnt know there was more to the word intimacy then that. We experimented. She stripped in the closet and came out with underwear pulled back to look like a thong. That was the moment I knew I liked girls. To my eight-year-old eyes she was a goddess, so beautiful. To repay the gesture I stripped too. I came out of the closet with my underwear pulled back and she laughed… She said I had granny panties because my underwear is too big and baggy. I remember feeling shameful. I remember wanting to go back into the closet. Despite that I let it go and we continue to explore each other's bodies. That was the first of many red flags I chose to brush off. She was also the start of many many bullies. She would bring other people into our time and I was always scared she would tell them about my "granny panties". She would laugh when I would finish my plate at lunchtime in turn making the rest of the table laugh too. I became very sad. Suicidal even. I had my mom coming up to the school complaining and trying to do some thing, but nothing ever worked. Eventually the counselors got involved and me and four of my main bullies ended up in counseling courses together instead of p.e. for the rest of that year.

Molly and I eventually drifted as the years went by and I found a new friend named Delilah. She was older, taller, thinner and darker than me and there was something dark that drew me to her, I don't remember how we met. I do remember I always had fun and was not upset when she was around. She was my first real crush. I bought us Monsters when I had the money and I went with my family to San Antonio and bought her a gift with my points from David Busters. A feminine skull pillow to be exact, she accepted my gift and I even saw it on her bed when I would come over.

One day she stopped talking to me. I didn't know why, she acted like we were never friends. She acted like we never hung out and ignored my exsistence all together. She hung out with our mutual friends but everyone stopped including me. She was my best friend, I told her everything and she told me everything... Delilah was living in a foster home at the time, we even thought about adopting her. She was a Kickapoo Indian so there were some complications and it didn't work out.I didn't understand what I did wrong, later I found out from one of our mutual friends that she didn't like that I treated her like a girlfriend. I still to this day don't see how loving someone was wrong. Considering what kind of environment Delilah -who soon turned into Dell- grew up in I came to see why she would be fearful of love. She started hanging out with Molly and I knew I didn't matter anymore. It was back to loneliness and despair. After that I tried finding more friends and I did but I was too far gone to open my heart to them.

I had two friends before Molly and Delilahs reign. Terry and Mary, sisters. I met them in Girl Scouts, but while I was drowning in darkness I drug them down with me and didn't realize it until I saw Terry having a funny conversation. Her smile was genuine. A smile that I stopped seeing as long as I was around. The day after my mom showed her mom my cuts, their mom took immediate action to protect her kids. At the time it felt like she took them from me in my time of need, but the more popped up the more I saw why she did it and I agreed. It took me 10 years but I learned how to be strong, thanks to them.

Middle school is coming up and my mom gave me a choice North or West. The answer seemed easy, West. Leave my past behind me and start fresh. Both schools had catches though. Molly would be going to North and Delilah would be going to West. My life was in complete peril. I eventually chose West. I had it in my head that being ignored and silently bullied was better than what Molly put me through.

Middle school started and I got sent home before school even started because I wore pants that were holy and that wasnt allowed. Went home switched my pants and went back to school fearful of what was to come. My first period was social studies with Tapia. I took a deep breath and walked through the empty halls practically running till I hit the door. I walked in with minimal hesitation which was an accomplishment all on its own. The only chair was at the front. Second period was PE. I sat in front of these two girls that spoke Spanish and one braided the others hair every day. The second day of second period the coaches sat a small, skinny, long-haired and social girl next to me. Once again I felt drawn to this girl. She was talking about Xbox games with the boy next to the two girls that spoke Spanish. I remember asking her name and she kindly said "My name is Kate, K" and chuckled. We and the boy whose name is James talked all period that day. It was the start of a long friendship.

Lunch came around and I saw a familiar face. Her name was Eve and We knew each other from Elementary. She and I got our food together and she brought me to her group of friends. The first person she introduced me to was the girl who sat next to me in PE. The girl I was convinced was a lesbian, always braidng another girls hair and her name was Claire.

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Hello, my Name is Andrea. Im going to write a book and publish it by the chapter. Please bare with me during this process and feel free to enjoy the first chapter of my book. I hope to connect with so many of my fellow writers and readers along my journey. Sending my best vibes, Andrea! <3