It happened on a Wednesday

I met the man I loved deeper than any other over a video game. It was just before my 21st birthday. I remember I called him on my birthday and I was highly intoxicated and just wanted to speak to him. I don't even remember if we'd met in real life at that point. He was a kindred spirit but he was so different.

I had tattoos, crazy friends and I was a complete free spirit. I drank and danced and loved hard. I met him for the first time in real life in the city. He had just finished work and we met up (best friend in tow for her opinion). I knew then I was falling for him.

A week later we had our first date. We saw Green Hornet at the movies and towards the end, he kissed me. That was it, we were inseparable. I met his work friends, we all got along great. I stayed with him on weekends while his parents were at work. It was amazing.

We were a couple and we were in love. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months.

He was pushy over certain things. He hated that I had anxiety and a background. He hated my tattoos (I only had 2 at that time). He hated numerous things I did.

One night at his house I had a panic attack and just wanted him to hold me. He told me to leave.

He could be overbearing and opinionated. He made sure my weight was in check, picked on the food I ate, the clothes I wore and how I acted. His family did the same. They didn't accept me being different or even being poorer. He bought me everything even when I said no. I didn't want to accept the expensive clothes or trips out. I couldn't reciprocate but as I grew to realise he just wanted someone to hang off his arm.

He would say the opposite. He would say that I'm a liar. He was smart but he knew nothing.

Nearing our second anniversary I had a work trip to a gothic themed cabaret. I stayed at a workmates place afterwards on his couch because we'd all had a bit to drink. Little did I know that he he would try to climb in bed with me that night to which I objected. I pushed him away and went home early the next morning.

A few days later I started to feel sick. It wasn't until 2 weeks later that I knew.

I was pregnant.

In my heart I wanted to keep it. In my brain I knew to keep the man I loved I had to get rid of it.

I told him over the phone. His exact response was "I don't want it". We would have been fine to raise this child. We both had jobs and made good money. We were good ages. He didn't want it and I had no choice but to say "I feel the same".

I agreed with him and we set a day. I went to the clinic with my friend for the scariest procedure of my life. He didn't come because he didn't want to take off work. This is the man that got off work for video game releases.

I did everything to please everyone else and that is a choice I regret to this day. I've always done everything to please everyone else and never myself. Maybe that's why I'm a giant ball of regret these days.

We became distant. I decided to meet up with him after work a few days after my procedure. We broke up in my car, in a car park.

I was heartbroken. I'd lost everything.

I met up with him one time after this and he accused me of sleeping with other people just after breaking up with him. He turned vindictive and said I'd lied to him. He broke me more than I was already broken. I blocked him on everything and didn't have any contact because I fell into a deep depression.

He broke me more over the phone while I was at a music festival months after we broke up.

I rebounded hard. I found myself in a whirlwind with a co-worker only a few weeks after. It turned out to be the most messed up relationship of my life. He constantly forced himself on me. It was a daily occurance. He distanced me from my friends and my family. He got me pregnant again to which I was in complete disbelief. It was something I didn't want. Not with him.

He trapped me. He wouldn't let me leave the house when he found out I was pregnant. He flushed my anti depressants down the toilet. Forged a resignation letter to my work and kept me locked in a cage.

In the end I scaled a 6 foot fence and walked 4kms to a train station to get home to my mum. When my ex found out I was pregnant again he started calling me a liar. I was told that it would be nearly impossible to get pregnant and here I was 6 months later, pregnant again.

I got home after jumping the train to my mothers. He stalked me for weeks. I made the decision to terminate this pregnancy because he was too aggressive.

I went and stayed with a friend in the city and managed to get together the $500 for the procedure. I went in early on a Wednesday morning and for the second time that year I out my legs in the stirrups, counted backwards from 10 and woke up with an empty feeling.

My friends were amazing. They managed to scrape together enough to buy me a ticket to the weekends upcoming music festival. They thought I deserved a day of fun and freedom with them. This was the day my ex found out I had been pregnant again and attacked me via message. He said I was a liar and that I must take joy in lying like that. He didn't listen to reason.

I was alone at the festival watching Blink 182 and the attacks kept coming. I was separated from my friends and found it completely ironic that any messages to friends wouldn't go through but his hate was sent straight to my screen.

By 7pm I was in tears. I was running around the massive grounds trying to find my friends. I was about to give up when I walked directly into a person. As I went to say sorry to the person I looked up and saw it was my old old boyfriend from high school. My first love. He knew straight away that I was both intoxicated and upset. He got me to a cab and back to the hotel he was staying at. By this point my phone was dead and all I wanted to do was attack my ex for being so cruel. I stole my now friends phone and started messaging from that until he took it off me and put me to bed. I honestly think fate put him there to calm me and stop me from spewing more hate towards the man that deep down I still loved.

The next morning I went home and cried. I cried more than I've ever cried in my life.

What had the last 6 months of my life been? My ex had a new girlfriend, a girl I once considered a friend.

He was spewing lies and hate to everyone. I was heartbroken.

To this day I resent the man I still have some love for. No he didn't force me into making the choice I made but he encouraged it. He made it seem like it was the only choice to keep him and I lost him any way.

I'm open about my abortion story. Probably too open but it's a part of me that will never go away. I still feel the hurt. I still feel the pain of it not being the decision I wanted in my heart.

Don't make a decision based off what someone else wants. Follow your heart. Your happiness is the most important thing.