Today was the day that I finally realized that I will never open up again. I am a very shy person and do not open up easily, so when I do it is a big deal for me. I was married for 6 years and had 3 kids with him. We separated and I did have a few flings but never actually went out on a date or actually tried to have a relationship with any of them for over 2 years. Among other reasons I was totally convinced that there was no man in this world that would want to date a woman with three kids, so I didn't even want to try, why put myself through all of that just to get let down? Well during one of these flings the condom broke and you guessed it, I got pregnant with my fourth child. Now I was really undesirable, no one in their right mind would want a woman with 4 kids! And especially not while I was pregnant. Well imagine my surprise when a former co-worker reached out to me and wanted to go on a date! I was very upfront about everything, and I was very obviously 6 months pregnant. He listened to me tell him about how up in the air my life was and he still wanted to pursue a relationship with me. It had been 2 years since I had been in a relationship and I was scared to death to try again but I went for it. I told him what I would expect out of him as far as my children go and he was agreeable to it all! I was so excited and couldn't believe how lucky I was to find a man who not only wanted me but also my children! This was looking to be the best thing that happened to me all year! But as they say, If it looks to good to be true than it usually is. It was to good to be true. After we had been dating for 3 months I knew I was in love and I wanted so bad to tell him but I knew he wasn't quite there yet so I kept my mouth shut, well at 4 months I was sure that he would feel the same way and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I agonized over the perfect way to say it, let me just set the stage for you, this is how I did it. We were laying in bed getting ready to go to sleep, we had just had a wonderful day together, and he said he was going to go to sleep, I responded with, "I love you." He was looking at me and he froze up and then asked, "What?" But with a squeaky voice that was begging me to tell him that he misheard me. well instead of taking the hint I repeated what I had said in a much louder voice that he couldn't deny hearing. He froze and stared at me with that deer in the headlights look. I was sort of prepared for this, though it still hurt, you can not rush the other persons feelings can you? So in an attempt to squelch the awkwardness I kissed him and said goodnight and rolled over so my back was to him. Then I proceeded to silently cry myself to sleep. I was sure that he felt the same way but that reaction was enough to tell me I was wrong about that. I did try and prepare myself for this reaction though, like I said you can not rush a person to feel the same way that you do so I was prepared to wait. Well the next week was awkward and he was really off, I knew that I spooked him. He texts me and breaks up with me saying that its because he is just not prepared to take on 4 kids. I was very upset because I knew this was a bullshit excuse since we had discussed the kids a lot and I knew exactly how he felt about them, but he went right for the throat when he said that because he knew how insecure I am about that. So I let him go. Well he texts me the next day saying that he mad a huge mistake he just freaked out cause this is all moving so fast. So like the idiot I am, I take him back. Well it has been an additional 2 months and he still isn't in love with me. The problem is unrequited love tends to fester like an infection in your heart, the longer you love someone who doesn't love you back, the more it hurts. And what do we tend to do when we are hurt? That's right put up walls. So here I am and all I wanna do is let myself continue to develop feelings for this man but self preservation is pushing him away. I want so badly to be with him, and I like so much about him, we click in so many ways and have the same hobbies and interests. But how long can I stand to be in a loveless relationship where I am the only one that cares about the other? And if it took this long for him to get feelings for me how long will it take for him to care for the children? and children are not patient beings. Is this the end? If so how do I end it? How do you break up with someone who you are in love with?
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Alone is better
I just wanna say thank you, you did so much for me. When I thought it would be impossible for me to do this alone you weren't there, thus proving that I could do this alone. I needed someone to go to sleep with and wake up next to each morning, I needed someone to cuddle with, needed someone to make me feel safe and protected and loved, and I was looking for a life partner because I knew that I would not be able to raise 4 kids on my own and I wanted help. I knew I wouldn't be able to go into that labor and delivery room alone and give birth to my son. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the long 5 hour drives to drop off the kids at their dads house without another adult in the car with me to help with the baby when he started crying. I knew that I would lose my mind and go insane when I was the only one to wake up at 2am to feed and change the baby. I knew that after the long sleepless nights I would never be able to wake up with the other children and get them ready for school. I was positive that there was going to be no possible way that I could make dinner for the 3 crying children while i breast fed my infant. I was positive that these things were going to be impossible and that I was going to end up throwing my sleep deprived and depressed self off a cliff. That's why I needed you. To be there for me and help me by being my counter part, by being the other parent. Thank you for not being the man I needed. When i went into labor and you made an excuse not to be there i learned that i could do it alone, even if it did make me cry. When you refused to go on those long drives with me (that i have to make twice a month) because it was to early for you, it taught me that i can handle the baby crying and that i just have to leave 45 minutes early so that i have time to pull over and deal with his needs. When you refused to spend the night at my house, i learned that the baby will need to be fed even if there is no daddy to help do it once in a while, and the older kids will still need their hair brushed before school the next morning and as long as i set an alarm i would be able to do both. When you refused to hold the baby while i did anything, even when you were around, it taught me that i am capable, i just needed to make meals that didn't need any chopping skills and i can do it with one hand and hold/feed the baby with the other. The more that you ignored my pleas for attention and affection, the more i realized i did not need them to survive, the more you did not spend time with me the more i realized i didn't need your time, i barley have enough time for the 4 people that do want to be in my life, why would i waste any of my time on the one person that refuses to make any for me? So i just want to say thank you one last time, you gave me the strength to get through it because even though i was very much alone, i always lied to myself and said that i wasn't alone cause i had you. I never really did have you did I? Well no matter, believing that lie gave me the strength an confidence that i needed to get this far. Just now i was thinking about breaking up with you and i started to get scared thinking that i wont be able to do this alone, i cant do it without you. That's when i realized all of this, and realized that i already do it alone, without you. Now i know i wont throw myself off a cliff, i will raise 4 amazing human beings. I will defiantly be sleep deprived and might cry from time to time, but it will be possible. You taught me that. If not for you i would still be convinced that this is impossible, your lie of being here for me really taught me so much, and I think maybe i fell in love with you because you taught me what i am capable of and showed me how to love myself.
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