Alone is better

I just wanna say thank you, you did so much for me. When I thought it would be impossible for me to do this alone you weren't there, thus proving that I could do this alone. I needed someone to go to sleep with and wake up next to each morning, I needed someone to cuddle with, needed someone to make me feel safe and protected and loved, and I was looking for a life partner because I knew that I would not be able to raise 4 kids on my own and I wanted help. I knew I wouldn't be able to go into that labor and delivery room alone and give birth to my son. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the long 5 hour drives to drop off the kids at their dads house without another adult in the car with me to help with the baby when he started crying. I knew that I would lose my mind and go insane when I was the only one to wake up at 2am to feed and change the baby. I knew that after the long sleepless nights I would never be able to wake up with the other children and get them ready for school. I was positive that there was going to be no possible way that I could make dinner for the 3 crying children while i breast fed my infant. I was positive that these things were going to be impossible and that I was going to end up throwing my sleep deprived and depressed self off a cliff. That's why I needed you. To be there for me and help me by being my counter part, by being the other parent. Thank you for not being the man I needed. When i went into labor and you made an excuse not to be there i learned that i could do it alone, even if it did make me cry. When you refused to go on those long drives with me (that i have to make twice a month) because it was to early for you, it taught me that i can handle the baby crying and that i just have to leave 45 minutes early so that i have time to pull over and deal with his needs. When you refused to spend the night at my house, i learned that the baby will need to be fed even if there is no daddy to help do it once in a while, and the older kids will still need their hair brushed before school the next morning and as long as i set an alarm i would be able to do both. When you refused to hold the baby while i did anything, even when you were around, it taught me that i am capable, i just needed to make meals that didn't need any chopping skills and i can do it with one hand and hold/feed the baby with the other. The more that you ignored my pleas for attention and affection, the more i realized i did not need them to survive, the more you did not spend time with me the more i realized i didn't need your time, i barley have enough time for the 4 people that do want to be in my life, why would i waste any of my time on the one person that refuses to make any for me? So i just want to say thank you one last time, you gave me the strength to get through it because even though i was very much alone, i always lied to myself and said that i wasn't alone cause i had you. I never really did have you did I? Well no matter, believing that lie gave me the strength an confidence that i needed to get this far. Just now i was thinking about breaking up with you and i started to get scared thinking that i wont be able to do this alone, i cant do it without you. That's when i realized all of this, and realized that i already do it alone, without you. Now i know i wont throw myself off a cliff, i will raise 4 amazing human beings. I will defiantly be sleep deprived and might cry from time to time, but it will be possible. You taught me that. If not for you i would still be convinced that this is impossible, your lie of being here for me really taught me so much, and I think maybe i fell in love with you because you taught me what i am capable of and showed me how to love myself.