Investigating rather than Loving Your Partner.

Investigating rather than Loving Your Partner. The Trap of Getting It Confused

By Calvin Smith, MA

Many often seek to find the safest way to know who they can love and who they should not. Some resort to tricks and tests of loyalty in order to discover the position of a person's heart. In searching for answers, there are two perspectives that I’d like to explore with you today. They are the “investigator” and the “partner” perspectives. An investigator and a partner are not the same. The two come from different places although they may seem similar at first glance as they both seek answers to clarify the commitment of a person. Both the investigator and partner seek to find information, understanding..even in worse case scenarios they both can find fault but while the investigator seeks to report or apply punitive force, partnering engages the person in the relationship for the purpose of understanding, healing, supporting, restoring, enhancing, and developing with their partner with a better understanding of the challenges at hand. Although they both discover information, it can be a confusing experience if one doesn’t know why they are doing the fact finding. Further without a healthy perspective of self the information may be skewed resulting in unhealthy interpretations of their meaning that drive insecurity and even aggression.

Since we’ve made such bold statements, let’s take a closer look at investigator versus partner mentalities by defining both.....

The Investigator

An investigator equally seeks to understand the nature of a thing, why it is so, what makes the person operate the way that they do. Their motivations, aspirations, intentions, compelling....they look very much like a friend or partner in that the desire to understand that person is genuine. The investigator seeks to find information, understanding..(even in worse case scenarios) fault but all for the purpose of reporting and punitive intervention if necessary.

In the investigative approach sometimes the acute goals to get fast answers may help a person to discover facts but without the empathy required to explore ways to remedy the inconsistencies found in them. Recognition of flaws without the equally important consideration that you can compliment and enhance the partner that you choose through a process of growing together is not as apparent in an investigative approach to relating.

The Partner

The partnering approach embraces a broader awareness of the factors that influence the development of the relationship. It is an intentional approach towards relating. Here we may find an awareness that the partner discovering facts is also a catalyst for change. Partnership, an indispensible component towards healing intervention, growth, and restoration from past adversities for both of them become available here.

Being a partner in a relationship comes from a different place than being an investigator. A place of the heart rather than the mind. When a person uses their heart, they do not relinquish themselves to operate on the power of fact finding alone nor devisive tricks to discover intent. There is an effort to effect the situation, not simply making observations in order to make a judgment call. It stems from a place of feelings that originate from an empathetic perspective as it's place of origin rather than just the facts. If one was to go into a relationship with an investigator mentality rather than a partner mentality it would seem that the relationship would be doomed from the beginning because of the lack of empathy or effort made to connect beyond the revealed deficits.

Falling into the temptation of testing someone for answers rather than making a commitment to walk with them through their weaknesses may leave both without a real sense of connection.

The Question

Which one of these mentalities do you find yourself more often than not? The great news about us human beings is that we are creatures of change. WE can change our ways to reflect our true desires for relationship rather than continually directing our efforts to discover pain and disappointment. The misdirection of seeking to put your partner under scrutiny rather than learning to become supporting, caring, and action oriented towards loving them through their challenges may be a hindrance rather than an assist to your relationship. So be aware of the mentality you choose to entertain when engaging your partner. Don't fall into the trap of getting the two confused. These are my opinions on the matter..Thanks for reading.

Here's to having that great relationship you desire.. ~ C.

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