In the past I would set goals as part of my New Year’s resolution to build a better me. Back then I wanted to make more money, eat better and work out to be stronger, further my education, the list goes on. I figured if I changed what I could outside of me, I would feel better inside. As the years passed I never noticed myself actually feeling better. I felt like I was distracted from something I should be focusing on but could never quite figure out what it was. Then life would throw it’s curveballs and my goals would go right out the window. I eventually got tired of this cycle and resolved that resolutions weren’t for me.
2020 brought me many lessons, but the main one was that if the inner me isn’t good, then nothing will be good on the outside. So through an entire year of pain, uncertainties, and loss I saw that I was still very much in the shell I have spent my entire life in. I saw that I had been hoarding the pain from my past, and been completely closed off from anything potentially painful in the future. I stopped setting goals, I didn’t want to continue to set myself up for more disappointment. I stopped thinking about what I wanted, I couldn’t see myself ever obtaining anything. I just completely began drowning and with the stay-at-home order starting on my birthday last year I felt like I was a curse.
I, like many others, spent nearly every moment inside feeling alone and far away from the ones I loved. Even the ones living under the same roof seemed out of my reach. I felt trapped inside of myself, and I was scared to tell anyone. As the year went on I still couldn’t fathom how to say, “I am not okay,” because so many of us weren’t okay. I didn’t believe that my problems were important in comparison to what everyone was going through so I stayed silent. I did my best each day to keep the tears in until I was alone, and kept a brave face as we tried to make it through the pandemic. I felt useless because I fell into the high-risk category, which left the financial weight almost solely on my husband’s shoulders. Which started an uncomfortable slow wedge between us. My negative self talk started coming in tsunami like waves, drowning me in a heavy darkness. Then I found out we had baby number three on the way.
I knew I had to climb out of the darkness and find my strength. I was facing a new curveball and I had to be ready for him. I started looking for answers. I knew I had anxiety and depression but I needed to find out why these conditions had taken such a strong hold on me. FEAR. I was scared of hurting like I had in the past, and scared of facing a new even more unbearable pain. I feared failure and success. I feared the future.
Where I thought I had gotten over and through things I actually just buried and forgot as many bad moments as I could. I never talked to anyone, and so I pushed forward and acted like I was okay. I lived so long that way, never realizing how many moments I should have said something instead of just enduring and hurting. After feeling like my eyes were finally open I came up with what I intended to do no matter what in 2021.
1) Speak up, no matter what it is.
2) Be fearless, to get what I deserve I have to be fearless
3) Figure out what I want and go for it
4) Learn how to make decisions without arguing with myself first
2021 marks the beginning of finally living the life I want, and experiencing happiness and freedom from the past because my overall health starts within.
About the Creator
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Just a human trying to figure myself out
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