"Instructions for Breaking Your Own Heart"

Instructions for Breaking Your Own Heart

A User Manual for Self-Sabotage

Warning: This guide is for those who, despite their best efforts, wish to experience the ultimate form of emotional ruin. Proceed with caution, as the process is irreversible. By following these steps, you will achieve the precise heartbreak you are seeking. But remember, some parts may be difficult to undo. Always double-check that your heart is in full working condition before continuing.

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Step 1: Begin With False Expectations

Required Tools: Optimism, Imagination, A Dash of Denial

Start by constructing an illusion of perfection. Build it piece by piece, layering your ideal partner in a cloak of unearned glory. Imagine every date to be the most romantic night of your life, and every conversation to be a cryptic poetry recital of unspoken affection. Ignore any warning signs—dismiss them as temporary glitches. Overlook the lack of emotional availability. Think of it as just “a phase” or “growing pains.” Your first step is simple: believe that everything will be flawless.

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Step 2: Ignore Your Gut Feelings

Required Tools: Self-Doubt, Insecurity, Denial

Your gut is there to help, but today it’s your greatest enemy. Listen to it at your own peril. If your instincts say something is off, tell yourself it’s your imagination playing tricks on you. Doubt everything that feels like a warning. Maybe they haven’t called in a few days? Maybe they cancel plans last minute, again? Maybe their words don't align with their actions? Shrug it off. Every “bad vibe” is just your mind being dramatic. The key here is to convince yourself you’re overreacting.

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Step 3: Lose Yourself in Them

Required Tools: Complete Dependence, Boundless Enthusiasm, Unquestioning Loyalty

Let yourself dissolve into them. Who are you without them? Don't think about it too much. Submerge your identity under layers of their needs, their habits, and their moods. Begin to rearrange your entire schedule to accommodate their whims. Their calls must always be answered within three rings. Their texts should be responded to within milliseconds. Every moment should be spent thinking about them. Reprioritize your life, placing them on a pedestal so high it could rival the gods. Ignore your friends. Ignore your hobbies. You’re now an extension of their existence.

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Step 4: Give and Give Until There’s Nothing Left

Required Tools: Boundless Generosity, Emotional Exhaustion, Self-Worth Deficiency

Start investing your entire emotional bank account. Fill it with the currency of affection, attention, and vulnerability. Spend it freely. Write them long, impassioned messages. Shower them with gifts they never asked for. Plan surprises they didn’t deserve. Never stop giving. It’s important to give so much that you eventually deplete yourself. Give until you’re running on empty, until your needs are no longer visible to you. By the time you’re empty, they’ll be full, and you’ll wonder why you feel so tired.

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Step 5: Ignore the Red Flags, Then Run Toward Them

Required Tools: Optimism, Abandonment Issues, Denial

The red flags are here, big and bold. They wave at you from across the room, but you choose not to see them. Maybe they flirt with someone else in front of you. Maybe they have a secretive phone. Maybe they cancel plans but never apologize. Maybe they’ve told you, in subtle ways, that they’re not ready for anything serious. But you, with your perfect hope and blindness, will see these not as warning signs but as tests of your love. You will choose to believe that if you just keep trying, they’ll eventually see the light. Ignore them, and run toward what’s not meant to be.

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Step 6: Play the Game of “Maybe They’ll Change”

Required Tools: Patience, Disappointment, Cognitive Dissonance

Here's the fun part: the game of "Maybe They’ll Change." As you enter the relationship, you’ll notice that they don’t quite meet your needs. But not to worry! You’ve convinced yourself that time and love will heal all wounds. That’s right: they don’t have to love you in the same way right now. Maybe next month. Maybe next year. They’ll change. Maybe if you love them enough, they’ll suddenly shift into the partner you’ve imagined. This is the part where your optimism will work overtime. You’ll start to believe your own narrative. Spoiler alert: they won’t change, but by then, you’ll be too far in to care.

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Step 7: Embrace Their Emotional Unavailability

Required Tools: Fantasy, Confusion, Heartache

At this stage, their emotional absence will be palpable. Their affections will come in waves, unpredictable and brief, leaving you both desperate and unsure. They may retreat into silence, leaving you to scramble for answers. Do not ask for clarity. Instead, play the game of "Guess What They Need." Twist yourself into knots trying to interpret their mixed signals. When they finally give you crumbs of affection, savor them like a banquet. They’re emotionally unavailable, and you’ll keep coming back for more.

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Step 8: Accept the Inevitable, But Don’t Let Go

Required Tools: Self-Destructive Tendencies, Pessimism, Exhaustion

By now, you know the relationship is doomed. Everything inside you screams that it’s time to cut your losses. You’ve tried everything: explaining your feelings, giving them space, waiting for the “right moment.” But the truth has settled in: the relationship is broken. So, what do you do? You clutch it even tighter. You become the emotional glue, holding things together when all evidence points to the fact that this was never meant to be. You accept the inevitable while still trying to change the outcome.

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Step 9: Experience Heartbreak and Wonder How It Happened

Required Tools: Emptiness, Regret, Bitter Reflection

Eventually, it will happen. The moment you’ve been dancing around for months will come. They will drift away, emotionally or physically. You will be left with a hole in your chest that you’ll try to fill with any distraction you can find. Maybe you’ll cry for days, maybe you’ll throw yourself into work. Maybe you’ll write sad poetry. But it won’t fill the gap. And you’ll wonder, as you stare blankly at your phone, how did I get here?

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Step 10: Rinse, Repeat

Required Tools: Optimism (again), Amnesia, Hope

And finally, once the dust settles, you’ll repeat the process, because who can resist the call of heartbreak? The cycle of self-sabotage is addictive—every heartbreak just a new form of "self-improvement." Maybe next time, you’ll get it right. Or maybe, you'll simply love the process of learning how to break your own heart, over and over again.